MARRIED FOR YEARS BUT THESE WOMEN STILL CAN'T DO IT
THERAPY: FREE THEIR MINDS OF MISCONCEPTIONS AND CHILDHOOD
TRAUMAS
Source: NP By Esther Au Yong
WHILE her colleagues were rushing to go home to their loved ones,
Amy was dreading the end of the working day.
Going home meant having to face her husband. No, he was no
wife-beater. He was like any normal, loving husband.
But the idea of having to face his sexual advances sent shivers
down her spine.
Said Amy, 28: 'The thought that we might have sex that night made
me dread going home.
'I was tense, nervous and so terrified that I often broke out in
cold sweat.'
Their marriage of two years was yet to be consummated.
Every attempt at sex was a painful affair for her because she
became too tense. After many tries, her husband eventually gave
up.
'Although I've tried my best to respond to my husband's approaches,
I still can't. I think divorce is the best way out for both of us,'
she added, with resignation.
Amy is not alone in facing this problem.
Her name, like the others in this report, has been changed to
protect her identity.
There's also Sharon, 28, who was taught from young that she was
dirty 'down there'.
She was so obsessed with genital cleanliness that she douches
herself with antiseptic solution twice a day - so much so that she
couldn't have sex due to the eventual inflammation of her private
parts.
Alice, in her 30s, said the childhood memory of her mother caning
her thighs because she sat with her legs slightly apart still
haunts her.
She too, could not consummate her marriage until she decided to
seek help.
These case studies are documented in the book entitled Virgin Wives
by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK Hospital's
division of obstetrics and gynaecology.
Statistics from a recently completed 10-year survey by National
University Hospital sexologist, Associate Professor P Ganesan
Adaikan, show that about 10 per cent of the 923 patients he has
surveyed have not consummated their marriages.
Within these figures, 12.9 per cent of the 101 incidences of
unconsummated marriages he has treated is due to female sexual
dysfunction.
Dr Ganesan said: 'Unconsummated marriages are due to different
causes. It can be the husbands' fault, the wives' or a combination
of factors from both parties.
'The top reason why females can't have satisfying sex, or any kind
of penetration at all, is vaginismus.'
This is the condition where a woman suffers from involuntary spasms
of the vaginal muscles that prevent sexual penetration by her
partner.
It is generally a psychological problem.
Dr Atputharajah also reported vaginismus as the leading cause of
sexual dissatisfaction in his female patients.
Out of the 195 female patients he has treated in a two-year period
(2001-2002), 140 of them suffer from the condition, with many
having non-consummated marrriages.
Female patients who suffer from vaginismus invariably have certain
negative notions and pre-conceptions.
'Many of the women I see have been brought up very traditionally.
Open discussions about sex and sexuality are discouraged and, many
a time, misleading teachings are passed on,' said Dr
Atputharajah.
Others are also taught to never trust a man and, in some cases,
that sex itself is shameful - it's only for conception and not for
pleasure.
If not misled, they are embarrassed and traumatised by painful
childhood memories. For example, one woman was called a 'cheap
whore' by her parents when they found her necking with her
boyfriend.
A quick check with a few women confirmed the doctors'
accounts.
Ms Poh, 25, a writer who has been married for four months,
recounted: 'When I asked my parents how babies came about, they
told me that I'd have them when I get married and sleep in bed.
They also said I might get pregnant if I hold hands with a
man.'
Said Dr Ganesan: 'We need greater awareness. Also, a more open,
non-judgmental approach to sex education.'
Currently involved in a sexual dysfunction symposium which ends
today, he also gives talks and organises forums on sexuality.
Added Dr Atputharajah: 'It is ironic that young marriages and
abundant families are encouraged, yet the open discussion of sex is
not.
'People should also not be shy about going to see the doctor.
'Besides, vaginismus is a very treatable condition. With proper
treatment, it takes only an average of six weeks for the woman to
feel better about sex.'
VICTIMS REALISE THEY'RE NOT ALONE
INITIALLY written as an aid for his treatment and counselling
sessions, Virgin Wives is such a hit that it's now being marketed
by MPH.
The book, by Dr V Atputharajah, a visiting consultant at KK
Hospital's division of obstetrics and gynaecology, explains in
layman terms the causes and treatment of vaginismus.
This is a leading cause of female sexual dysfunction.
The book also cites several real-life case studies.
The 64-year-old doctor, who self-published his first edition, said:
'At first, I sold the book through mail order, or to my patients
who came to the clinic.'
'I was pleasantly surprised when 3,000 copies were sold.
The book will retail at $12.90 each at most major bookstores.
THEY TOLD ME SEX WOULD BE PAINFUL
FLORA, who married at 19, had friends who gave advice that did more
harm than good.
They told her that first-time sex would be painful - and this
played on her mind.
Eventually, it affected her sex life.
'I found no joy in sex,' she said.
She felt severe pain the first time she and her husband tried to
have sex, and her screams terrified both of them.
This was enough to put her husband off sex for a very long time -
they did not try again for the next four years.
During treatment, she was instructed to do some exercises in
private, as well as with her husband.
She was also encouraged to enjoy sex and to discover her own
body.
Through counselling, she learnt about her private parts and how to
relax.
After just five weeks, Flora and hubby could have pain-free
sex.
SHE NEEDED BIOLOGY LESSON
SHE lacked the one thing that could have helped her have proper sex
- knowledge of her own body.
Worse for Sarah, 38, her husband also didn't know where her private
parts were.
As a result, her marriage was unconsummated for a year.
Dr Atputharajah said: 'When she came to me for help, I realised she
did not know her own genitalia, and she had severe
vaginismus.'
BIOLOGY LESSONS
Sarah had to undergo Biology lessons all over again.
She was shown pictures and diagrams of the female anatomy.
She also had counselling to help her overcome her vaginismus.
Her husband participated in the treatments as well, and the couple
had trouble-free sex in six weeks.
