Relationships marked by abusive and manipulative behaviour
happen to teenagers as well
By Serene Luo
SHE thought it was love.
Adults are not the only ones trapped in abusive relationships.
Teenagers too can be subjected to physical, emotional and
psychological abuse when they start dating. Many of them suffer in
silence because they are inexperienced, but they should know there
are avenues where they can go for help. -- WANG HUI FEN
Undergraduate K.L. Seow, 21, had known her boyfriend since junior
college days. He would chauffeur her around, surprise her with
gifts and turn up at her home unannounced to cheer her up.
But after the first year, he began making unreasonable
demands.
He forbade her from going to clubs or joining school activities. He
also forced her to cut off contact with male friends and
schoolmates, even those with whom she had to work on school
projects.
When they were out together, he expected her to dress up to the
nines 'so he could show me off to his friends'. But if she was
going to school or out on her own, he insisted she dress shabbily
in baggy T-shirts and pants.
He even said she could not wear anklets her friends had given her
'because only prostitutes wear them'.
'On hindsight, I realise my whole life was controlled by him. I
felt like his puppet,' she said.
Experts say Miss Seow's experience is a form of psychological
abuse, which happens in Singapore but usually goes
unreported.
Most people assume abuse only happens to adults, but youths and
teenagers are not spared.
Many suffer in silence because they are inexperienced at
relationships or simply don't know better.
'These people might not be aware of the avenues they could go to
for help,' said counsellor Tony Ong, 35, from Fei Yue Family
Service Centre.
'Others might misinterpret such abusive behaviour as love due to
misconceptions from the media and what they observe around
them.'
Mr Ong said over the past 10 years as a counsellor, he 'seems to be
hearing about more such cases'. He also said abusers usually try to
'get their way in relationships through the use of power and
control over the other person'.
'They hit the other party to show that they're in charge, that
they're the boss,' explained Dr Parvathy Pathy, a consultant
psychiatrist from the Child Guidance Clinic.
Besides psychological abuse, victims can also suffer emotional,
verbal or, worse still, physical and sexual abuse.
Mr Ong recalled a 17-year-old girl whose 19-year-old boyfriend
slapped her whenever he thought she had looked at another
man.
The girl went to Fei Yue for help when the young man threatened to
leap off the parapet outside her house when her parents refused to
let him see her. She eventually left the man.
Dr Parvathy says abusers might have violent childhoods or some kind
of personality disorder. 'They could be anti-social or have
problems controlling their tempers thus losing control.'
Not all victims get out of the relationships immediately.
Miss Lynn, 19, whose former boyfriend demanded she meet him even
though she had prior appointments with her own friends, at first
'felt flattered that he was concerned'.
'We were very happy when we weren't quarrelling, and I guess love
is blind,' she said.
Miss Seow thought her four-year relationship was worth a little
sacrifice on her part because 'it could be the real thing'.
She only wants to rebuild her circle of friends now, which she
lost, thanks to her possessive ex. 'The psychological stress was
really stressful. I'm in no hurry to find a new boyfriend.'
While the usual victim stereotype is a female, Mr Ong says males
can be physically abused by their partners as well.
Ms Ang Bee Lian, the director of rehabilitation and protection for
the Ministry of Community Development and Sports, says there is 'no
sign that dating violence is a big problem currently'.
But, as a preventive measure, she has commissioned a play, Hurt,
which has been performed at 42 secondary schools, junior colleges
and Institutes of Technical Education.
The play depicts a young couple whose relationship becomes
increasingly violent.
