Women in a Bar

AzRaeL SG

31 women reveal exactly how to get any bar belle to part with those seven little numbers that'll make you an instant winner.

By Stephanie Alexander

When it comes to barroom mating dances, women have it so easy. We just sit there on a stool as if we're doing it a favor and wait for our obvious charms to goad some poor guy into a do-or-die effort to win our attention. And then, after he's gotten up enough nerve to cross the room, deliver an anxious opening line, and basically leave himself emotionally defenseless, we have the option of shooting him down as easily as German gunners picked off GIs at Normandy.

Yes?we have the advantage. But what you may not realize is that we don't want the sun to rise on a beach littered with bodies any more than you want to be shot down in your prime. Women are out for the exact same reason you are: to meet people, especially people of the opposite sex. So why do we seem so picky, so arbitrarily selective?

Because we're being careful.

"When a woman goes out, even if she's with some gal pals, she probably feels vulnerable," says Sharyn Wolf, CSW, author of Guerrilla Dating Tactics (Plume, 1994). You're a stranger, and there is only one thing that we know about you for sure: You're packing more I-can-have-my-way-with-you-if-I-want muscle than we are. "It's up to the man to show that he's an OK guy, that she's safe hanging out with him," says Wolf. So, you've got to communicate that you haven't just crawled out from under some rock and plan on dragging her by the hair back to said rock.

Of course, once you've established that you're not a serial killer, you do have to distinguish yourself from the other non-serial killers. To give you some pointers on how to both put her at ease and separate yourself from the pack, Maxim has gone to the trouble of approaching a slew of women for you. They, plus some experts who actually earned degrees in barroom behavior (technically, it's called psychology), can tell you how to ease your way into a woman's good graces and leave the bar with either her, or her number, in your pocket.

FROM ACROSS THE ROOM

"Guys should know that women check men out in a bar just as much as men check out women," says Gwen, 25, a Michigan bartender who speaks from both personal and professional experience. "By the time you're approaching her, she's probably already caught your act." She's watched you interact with your friends, watched how you treat the waitresses, and even noted which songs you chose to play on the jukebox. In other words, she's formed an opinion about you way before you've even gotten up the nerve to walk over and open your fool mouth.

Does this mean that you should tell your jokes loud enough so that everyone in the entire bar?especially the good-looking ones? knows how damn witty you are? No.

"Women are good at seeing through a guy who is boastful, puffs himself up, or tries to artificially inflate his status," says David Buss, Ph.D., an evolutionary-psychology professor at the University of Texas, Austin. But if you're cracking up your friends and the bartender in a quiet and casual way, you'll notice women will start to drift over. They want to see for themselves what's so funny and charismatic about you. And they'll move closer in the hope that you'll start to shine some of that charisma on them. "If a guy has the respect of other people, if he's well regarded, if he can make them laugh, it adds to his prestige and power," explains Buss. "Status is a big factor for women."

Other covert intelligence she gathers in a glance:

"The guy I'll go for is the one who gets his friends a beer?it shows he treats others well and isn't selfish. Or if a stool opens up and the bar is really crowded, he won't just grab it?he'll offer it to someone else first before putting his butt right on it."

?Carrie, 25, San Luis Obispo, Calif.

"Nothing turns me off like some cocksure asshole standing with his arms crossed, surveying the scene. I prefer the opposite. The other night, there was this guy sort of staring into his beer like he was trying really hard to find something interesting in the foam patterns. When the bartender came over, they'd laugh and talk a little, but then he'd go back to his glass. I thought it was cute?he obviously wasn't some player. I could tell it was hard for him to come over and talk to me, so when he finally did, I was kind of rooting for him."

?Missy, 28, Fort Worth

"I look to see that his guy friends are not total losers. If they are, then my friends are going to get stuck talking to them. Also, I think some guys purposely hang out with unattractive friends so they look like studs by comparison. It works against them?even if a guy is the best-looking one of the bunch, it just makes me think he's the Head Nerd."

?Danielle, 24, New Orleans

"Guys think women can't tell that they're out there scamming, but we can. If they check out other chicks, elbow each other, and make comments, yick. It makes me think they'll talk about how big my butt is as soon as I walk away."

?Jennifer, 26, Pittsburgh

"I always watch to see if a guy tips the bartender. He shouldn't whip out a big wad of cash and peel off a twenty in an obvious way, but I used to work as a waitress, so I like a guy who treats people behind the counter well. And never get into an argument with the bartender, or anyone else, for that matter."

?Terri, 34, Boston

kimmorger SG

wah liew go write story book....so llooooong.....haha Laughing

WinBoi84 SG

Funny meh? Shocked
It's not dudez... Cool

AzRaeL SG

THE OPENING SALVO

Here's some great news. The opening line as a means of making the first move has gone the way of the Long Island Iced Tea. "The perfect opening line to me is, you stick out your hand and say, 'Hi, I'm Joe Schmo or whatever, and I really wanted to meet you,'" says Karen, 34. "It shows that you're an honest, confident person who's not going to play a lot of games."

Any other approach, such as asking "Do you have an extra cigarette," or "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" is going to feel like a cheesy pickup line, explains Bryan Redfield, ex-bartender and author of A Bartender's Guide on How to Pick Up Women (Bryan Redfield, 1995; 800-790-0080). Redfield, who poured drinks in LA for 14 years, has formulated (and published) a technique based on observing thousands of people hook up. The most important thing for a man to know, he says, is that you never approach a woman cold. "You establish eye contact, hold it for a second, then smile," he instructs. "Not a macho, come-on smile, just a nice, warm smile." If you can't even establish eye contact with a woman, you're wasting your time. Remember, she's been scoping the room, and if she wants to engage your gaze, she will. "If the woman can't or won't smile back, even if you've caught her eye, this is another red light," continues Redfield. But if she smiles back, and especially if she's even more encouraging, for example, she makes room for you to sit down, moves to a neutral territory, or?bingo!?comes over, that's when you introduce yourself.

Be careful, however, that while you're exchanging names you're not invading her critical physical space which is probably smaller than yours. "If you're crowding her," says Sharyn Wolf, "you'll know because she'll step back, or her eyes will start darting around the room." (Yes, sort of like a caged animal.) Keep a decent distance.

More first-move intelligence:

"If a guy asks me to play darts or pool, it's much more comfortable than just trying to make conversation. There's a diversionary factor. When the small talk breaks down, there's always the 'Nice shot!' to carry you through."

?Alexis, 24, Columbus, Ohio

"Guys really need to know about the magic of the strategic delay. If a woman smiles at you, don't come running over. Smile back, then continue whatever you were doing. However, watch her drink. When she's about to order another, come over, introduce yourself, and ask if you can buy her a refill."

?Cameron, 26, Los Angeles

"Gallantry always works well. If I'm at a bar and I can't get the attention of the bartender, offering to order for me when you get him is a good move. But when I hand you the money to pay the bartender, take it. You've already been inadvertently polite. Insist on paying for the drink too and you become more obviously on the make."

?Connie, 30, Seattle

"If a guy I've been eyeing is trying to mush by me in a crowded bar, and he sort of smiles apologetically and says 'excuse me' but keeps going, that's very cool. By the time he needs to squeeze back through the other way, I feel like I know him already, so if he talks to me, it feels a bit

more natural."

?Jennie, 33, Santa Fe, N.M.

"I like when a guy buys me a drink via the bartender, especially if we've already exchanged smiles. If I am interested in meeting him, I appreciate his approaching me with a gesture. When I take the drink and raise it to him, he should nod back with a humble smile?not like 'Right back at ya, baby.' In a bar, aggressive moves should be capped with self-effacing moves. Later on, I'll go thank him or he can swing by?but he shouldn't descend on me immediately if I accept a drink. Give it some time. And by the way, he shouldn't buy more than one woman drinks to try and up his odds. We're all watching."

?Andrea, 30, Los Angeles

"It's not a good idea to ask a woman to dance as the opening shot. You can't carry on a decent first conversation bobbing up and down and shouting over the music. It's terribly awkward. You feel like a dorky seventh grader."

?Maryann, 23, Chicago

"Complaining or saying anything negative is kind of a turn-off. Some guys seem to think if they say that something sucks?the vodka, the music, the crowd?it shows they have an intelligent and critical eye. It just shows me that he's a grump."

?Wendy, 27, Toronto

"One guy just walked up and said, 'Do you know any good opening lines?' It was so cool, because it acknowledged the awkwardness of the whole thing."

?Raisa, 27, Austin, Tex.

AzRaeL SG

THE CRUCIAL FIRST CONVERSATION

The key here is balance: Don't ramble on like a bore. Even if you're the first inner city Native American midget to play in the Super Bowl, she doesn't want you to slap that information on the bar like a freshly caught fish?though she does want to know that you're gainfully employed. The solution: Ask her what she does. She'll be flattered that you asked ("You'd be amazed by how many guys go on about their jobs without asking what I do," explains Rachel, 30, an environmental consultant in Washington, DC). And then she'll turn around and ask you what you do.

If, due to nervousness, your tendency is to keep asking questions as a means of engagement, relax. Says Wolf, "Pepper her with questions without offering up information, and she'll start to withdraw." You'll be coming off like a stalker because you have tons of info on her and she knows nothing about you. Give her time to ask you questions?don't worry about the awkward silences. She understands that these early conversations always have gaps in them. "And give enough information that grounds you in the neighborhood?you play in a local softball league, you volunteer somewhere?so she knows you're not some drifter," says Wolf. You also might want to work in that you're single, but be somewhat clever. For example, if she asks you where you live, say, "My goldfish and I live in the Nevsky Projects." And if you've got kids, she probably wants to know that early on too. Wouldn't you?

If she doesn't respond to your queries with parallel questions, move on. "How well a man reads the verbal and nonverbal signs is hugely important," says Gayle Beck, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in human sexuality at the State University of New York at Buffalo. If her jaw's locked up tighter than a tetanus victim's, if she crosses her arms or turns away from you, if she seems uncomfortable in anyway, abort the mission, or at least move slower.

More on chatting her up:

"It makes me uncomfortable if a guy comments on my body in any way, as in `You look really good in that skirt.' That's way too familiar for just meeting someone. It's too obvious that you're trying to pick me up."

?Karen, 27, St. Paul

"When John first approached me, he was clearly nervous. He just sort of blurted out that he had a dog and a roommate who was a guy who he was not sleeping with. And that he wasn't sleeping with the dog, either. Oh, and that he didn't have a girlfriend. It was clumsy, but it was very sweet, and his honesty was endearing. I loved it."

?Sarah, 29, Madison, Wis.

"Whatever you do, check out my breasts and butt before you come over. If I see your eyes go below my necklace once while we're talking, you're out."

?Nancy, 28, New York City

"I've heard a lot of guys make the mistake of trying to flatter a woman by comparing her to a celeb, as in 'Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Fiona Apple?' Well, that's taking a big chance that the woman thinks Fiona Apple is way prettier than she is, and that she likes Fiona Apple. Maybe for some reason she really hates Fiona Apple. Then you're screwed."

?Anita, 26, New Orleans

"Making me laugh is key, but don't launch into stand-up. Let me make you laugh some, or I'm going to extrapolate that everything is about you, and you'll be that way in bed, too."

?Amy, 30, Toronto

"Rick wasn't that good looking?he was short and stocky and losing his hair. But when he came up to me and started talking, he was hilarious, and jokingly self-deprecating in a way that showed me he didn't really care that he wasn't Tom Cruise, that he had a sense of humor about himself. His confidence completely won me over and I went home with him that night."

?Mirelle, 33, New York City

"If a guy is looking around the room, there's no way I'm going home with him. No girl will. Even if I'm not your dream girl, talk to me while we're together, then excuse yourself." ?Melissa, 30, Miami

"In a crowded bar, if people are walking by and pushing you, there's a way a guy can put his arm around you?not actually touching you, but behind your back so he's sort of keeping you from getting shoved. A man doesn't need to pick a fight with some guy who accidentally steps on my toes, but it's nice if he's protective."

?Kris, 27, Los Angeles

"I like to see a guy who's passionate about something, like politics or music or anything. If he gets excited when he talks, that's hot."

?Simone, 33, Providence

"I love it when a guy sort of mirrors my physical behavior, like when I'm sitting across from him and I lean in to say something, I like him to lean in. If I'm talking really fast, and he can keep up with me, it makes me feel like we're in the same place. If I'm being a little frenetic and he's slow and relaxed and laid-back, I feel really far away."

?Carlie, 30, Salt Lake City

AS YOU MAKE YOUR SMOOTH EXIT

So the conversation has flowed as easily as the alcohol now flowing through your veins. And damn if this woman isn't getting prettier as closing time approaches. Many men, desperate to close the deal, blow it in this last, crucial interaction. Now's not the time to push, even if this may be the last time you'll see her. In fact, being the master of chill at this juncture will have the desired effect: You'll either leave with her 411, or with her willing form. "Clearly, declaring your undying love or at least your undeniable lust right away would be an ineffective deployment of mating strategies," says Buss, who has studied sex strategies of more than 10,000 humans in 37 cultures around the world for his book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (Basic, 1995). The same goes for being physical if you're not absolutely positive it's welcome, or even being too insistent about setting up a definite date to see her in the future?you come off as desperate or pushy. "Effective moves involve more subtlety," concludes Buss.

Your best closing-time remarks:

"If all of a guy's friends are leaving and he stays behind to talk to you, there's suddenly a lot of pressure on. He should always leave with his friends. He can simply say he doesn't want to ditch them, then ask if he can call me. He comes off like a good pal and not just someone on the make."

?Diana, 24, New York City

"The best thing he can do is try to make a date off of our common interests. If we were talking about golf, 'We should go to a driving range sometime' is a great thing to say. It's not like the pressure of a date, more like you're sports companions. If I want to see you, I'll pick up on your invite."

?Phoebe, 32, Westport, Conn.

"A guy I talked to for a half hour in a bar actually kissed me good-bye! It was only on the cheek, but it totally skeeved me out. I didn't know if he thought he was giving me a taste of things to come or what, but it was too forward. I had already given him my number, but I never called him back."

?Eve, 24, College Park, Pa.

"Politeness is always a good thing. A simple handshake and 'I enjoyed meeting you, I'd love to talk to you again,' with a suggestion of a specific exhibition or a show to see is great. That would make me feel like a guy has it together."

?Aimee, 26, Berkeley, Calif.

"If you're inviting her to do something in the future, even if vaguely, it's best not to make it another bar or, even worse, the same bar you're presently in. You seem like you have nothing going on but drinking."

?Wendy, 28, Darien, Conn.

"I used to give out my number, but there are so many damn freaks out there that if I like a guy, I'll ask for his number. The coolest thing is if a guy offers me his number. It shows he's not afraid I'll leave him sitting by the phone?he doesn't need to be the one in total control, and that shows confidence. Sexy."

?Marnie, 24, Detroit

"Even if I'm really into a guy, he loses nothing by leaving without trying to take me home. This is how he should play it with a woman. He should say, 'It's getting late, do you want to go someplace for a nightcap?' If she declines, ask for her number; if she says she doesn't give her number out, volunteer yours. Then say good night and hope she calls. If I'm into a guy and want to be with him that night, I won't let him go home alone. If I like him and want to see him again, one of us will have the other's numbers. We won't lose touch."

?Catherine, 31, Austin, Tex.

THE GREEN LIGHTS

You've got a nibble if you see any of these indications of interest. Mind your manners and she'll be hooked.

° She asks you to act like her boyfriend to avoid a jerk. This is the ultimate sign that she could envision you in that role. She's placed you above the "jerk pool." Play it cool and have some fun with it.

° She compliments you on virtually anything. Women are used to receiving compliments, not giving them. So if she points out a positive characteristic, you've impressed her.

° She's disagreeing but laughing. Flirtatious sarcasm, as in "Yeah, right, like I believe that!" means she's into you. If she weren't, she'd simply "Uh-huh" you into oblivion.

° She keeps asking you to repeat yourself. She's not allowing the blasting music to come between the two of you. A suggestion of a quieter corner to talk in will be well received.

° She laughs at your lame junior high school?level jokes. She's obviously lust drunk. Or maybe just drunk.

° She touches you anywhere. Touch her back in the equivalent place, and let her up the ante, just in case her touch was an accidental slip of the hand.

° She stays put. If you run to drain the monster and she's still where you left her when you return, you're doing something right. Likewise if she comes back to you after she powders her nose.

° She doesn't flinch. If you reach across her to grab a drink or an ashtray and she doesn't pull back, she's feeling physically comfortable with you. Don't blow it, pal.

° She says, "Hey, where ya goin'?" as you leave the bar. She's angling for an invite. Even if she ultimately says no (she may not feel safe going off with you or may not want to ditch her friends) it's a sign she's game for a future hookup.

kimmorger SG

hey dudez i'm not a dudez... Laughing

sgboy2004 SG

*yawn*

post too long liao..dun bother to read...can some1 summarise?

_______________
Baby sgboy2004

dumbdumb! SG

to get a girl, always make sure you don’t look or act like a sex deprived cave man, always try to study foam bubbles in your beer. i understood just about that much.. any help there bro?