1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make
sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the
time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday
when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your
relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain
the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be
heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem
protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It
will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer
technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea
why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as:
sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with
stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be
used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you
are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your
best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your
belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We
don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when
we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things
each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to
cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly
worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for
what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked
and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from
straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to
be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of
therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair
with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know
in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that
you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for
the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom
teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on
how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure
the light still works when you open the door, and last but not
least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the
monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your
spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let
me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot,
wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things -
hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though).
Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized
fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful
clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me
hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting
your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed
that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the
cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and
can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really
do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female
counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always
works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain
from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked
satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking
cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean,
thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful
time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into
ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your
email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to
pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line,
or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a
really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go
blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having
it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn.
Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by
naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to
keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner
you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired,
try dating your left hand for something different.
