The Fresher's Guide to Student-Spotting
by G.P.Keenor
This guide is intended to aid new students to categorise people
around them,so helping them to come to terms with their
surroundings and develop credibility a damn sight faster than would
otherwise be possible. It has been found in the past that certain
freshers have been duped in to parting with their money, their
belongings, their virginity by crafty second year, third
year and postgraduate students masquerading as someone who they
clearly, at least to the experienced, are not.
PERSONALITY TYPES
=================
1 : The Stiff (Borus Giganticum)
=================================
This person will be characterised by the complete lack of purpose
in life other than to go to university, work their balls off,
hopefully not dropping any marks at all in the entire course,
gaining a first, doing a postgrad, getting a job working with
27,000 Quid PA, marry, have 2.4 lovely children and retire to a
small cottage in Morecambe. He or she will wear brown cords and an
arran jumper at the slightest provocation and will respond to the
question "are you going out tonite?" with the remark "No, I've got
some
extra-curricular AC response research to do. Maybe next term." He
or she can also be spotted at exam results postings weeping quietly
because they only got 99/100 in the Apollo Mentor graphics
assessment. The male variety is much more common and can be found
in particular abundance on Physics and Maths courses.
2 : The Arty - Farty (Hashum Jointicus)
=======================================
This type is unfortunately an endangered species at Salford due to
its science base but the breed can be found in relative abundance
at other Manchester institutes. They are recognised by their
insistence on carrying a folder containing blank paper everywhere
with them, even to nightclubs. They generally hang round Uni bars,
sitting on the floor in circles even where seats exist.
NOTE : THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHERE TO GET DRUGS. They often take part
in various political organisations within the Uni, championing
varied causes such as anti-pollution, anti whale-slaughter and
anti-not-being-very-nice-to-little -furry-animals-generally.
3 : The Dosser (Bastardica Lazyum)
==================================
A lot of debate has gone on among the student-studying community as
to why these people actually go to university. The conclusions have
been agreed as the following:
1)Cheap beer,
2)Casual sex,
3)The chance to brag to their "less fortunate" mates back
home,
in that order. These are the ones who, when you get talking to them
in the first week, tell you that "Courses generally are a load of
crap, I go to f.all lectures, never been to a tutorial, flunked me
exams, not a jot of revision,too much drinking blah blah
blah........". They can easily be recognised by their enormous
overdrafts and comatose state in the few lectures they do attend.
However these people ARE worth getting to know since they can
give
you a complete rundown of the best bars, clubs, brothels etc in
town. Just don't lend them any money.
4 : The CompSci (Softwarum Termini)
===================================
This lot are generally characterised by being very, VERY strange.
Although it is categorically denied by all major institutes, it is
clear that all potential computer science students have to undergo
a rigorous psychological examination, and that only those diagnosed
as paranoid schitzophrenics, kleptomaniacs, neurotics or
psychopaths are allowed on the course. They can be seen in
the
computing department of any higher education institute library,
hunched over terminals with a look on their face as if they have
just been told they've got a deckchair up their rectum. DO NOT
under any circumstances approach, or attempt to talk to these
people. You don't know and don't want to know where they've
been.
5 : The Lager Lout (Holsteni Shitfacedus)
=========================================
Many freshers have problems telling the difference between Dossers
and Lager Louts, but whereas the Dosser just doesn't give a toss,
the Lager Lout will go to almost any lengths to achieve their aims.
Loud, obnoxious, always telling you how many pints they downed last
night, these people can be a bit annoying but are always useful as
someone to laugh at, or to wind up. On no
account believe the wildly exaggerated stories of sexual exploits
these people may insist on telling you. They're bullshit.
6 : The Mommys Boy (Homus Homus)
================================
Even the most fresh-faced Student-spotter will have no trouble
identifying this species. So pale as to be almost translucent, they
refuse to admit to themselves that they have now left home and are
regarded as adults, and consequently spend their entire time at
university either shut in their rooms working on some dodgy thesis
or travelling home on the train (every weekend).
The only reason for befriending one of these is to obtain access to
the monstrous quantities of food which they get from home every
week. WARNING : THESE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD
TIME.
7 : The Leech (Slimus Slimus)
=============================
There are several subspecies of the Leech as outlined below but
they all have one thing in common: a burning desire for friends.
They will do almost ANYTHING to obtain them. Born without a
personality, they instead resort to bootlicking tactics as a
pathetic attempt to gain popularity. You know the sort - always
asking you where you are going tonite and can they come? They will
follow you
around like mongrels given the tiniest amount of encouragement.
These unfortunate people are destined for a life of being used for
homework copying, carrying peoples bags for them and other such
menial tasks, which they will carry out happily in the knowledge
that they are 'gaining popularity all the time'. For more
experienced spotters the following subspecies may be looked
for:
1)The Braindead Leech (Slimus Vacantum)
2)The OTT Leech (Slimus Enthusiastici)
3)The Strange Leech (Slimus Oddballus
- often on CompSci courses)
Researchers have now come to the conclusion that the normal,
well-adjusted and well balanced student is becoming something of an
endangered species due to the increasing influx of wierdos,
dropouts, oddballs and freaks into educational institutions. The
problem seems to be that, as more freaks are taken in, more normal
people are put off uni. for life by the lifeforms they
see on open days.Therefore it is a viscious circle with only one
outcome: All institutes, and therefore ultimately the country, are
run entirely by pricks. Do your bit for the plight of the student
by sending any donations to:
The Save The Student campaign,
c/o G.P.Keenor,
«redundant email address»@anyplace.edu
The following methods of payment are acceptable:
Access,
Barclaycard,
Visa,
American Express,
LEA Grant Cheques,
Sexual Favours,
Alcohol (Do Not Send Second Class).
In case you are wondering which category the author of this falls
into, it is very definitely the third. Why else would I waste good
study time writing this? Send your comments, suggestions, sexual
offers, insults etc to me at the above address.
