Taken from www.talkingcock.com (04/08/03)
Its not enough if you pay taxes or carry a pink IC. To commemorate
National Day, TalkingCock.com brings you a checklist to see how
Singaporean you really are.
1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb. - Is that y I kept
hitting my thumb with the hammer?
2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor. - U sure or
nt?
3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit down. -
see the dust rise.....
4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner. - as
always
5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis
XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in
Titanic. - not there yet.... but probably...
6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an
accent. (If youre a DJ, this happens even when youre not speaking
to foreigners.) - yeah, mate!
7. You wont raise your voice to protest policies, but youll raise
your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty. - if that's a last
set of GameCube.... YEAH!
8. Youre forever talking about businesses you want to set up but
will probably never get around to starting. - Dun say like tat....
no $$$ mah...
9. You dont know ¾ of the people attending your wedding. - not
there yet.... but that's y the parents are always near the couple,
no?
10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: heaty and cooling. -
I've complied a list thoughout the years....
11. Youre never completely sure how many times youve sung the
second verse of the National Anthem. - Thumb of rule... stop when
the music reach a climax...
12. You think that what makes you married is not the legal
registration but whether youve thrown a 12 course dinner. - U mean
they're different???
13. You marry for the real estate breaks. - Muz... get... that....
flat.....
14. You have kids for the tax advantages. - can claim how
many?
15. You move to where you want your child to go to school. - always
the best for the kid...
16. You feel you cant walk around naked in your own flat. - wat?
and risk being reported to the police?
17. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but
pray they wont wind up in Arts later on. - exactly....
18. You suddenly realize youre very interested in biotech - just
like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very
interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before
that, medicine and law. - whatever the trend is... count me
in....
19. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble
tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop right next to an
existing bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop. -
hey! y fix it if it works?
20. You think people are inconsiderate when they dont leave their
table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have
every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your
ice kachang. - keep staring and they'll leave faster.....
21. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a
fishbone chart first. - muz have something to visualize
mah...
22. If youre a guy, whenever you get together with your guy
friends, you invariably trade army stories. - common bond among us
mah...
23. If youre a girl, whenever you get together with your girl
friends, you invariably trade stories about how your stupid guy
friends are forever trading army stories. - not sure abt this...
need a gal to verify this....
24. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore this
year was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real
Madrid. - not exactly... but close.....
25. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten by a
longkang. - wat do u mean it's dirty? clean food ain't
delicious....
26. It actually makes a difference to you being called an NSMan
rather than a Reservist. - no meh?
27. Youve eaten more times at the Esplanade than youve actually
seen shows there. - u mean they have shows there?
28. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush
toilets, have sex, etc. - how abt one to teach how to complain in a
nice way?
29. When you visit the Zoo, you wonder what the animals taste like.
- isn't that y ppl r throwing food to them? to fatten them
up?
30. You feel the urge to add the suffix -polis to everything,
viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc. - sounds
grander mah...
31. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive
to far away places for supper. - yeah loh.. how come all the nice
stalls are so far away from my place?
32. You meet in hotels a lot. - oops... how you know that???
33. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog or Bahasa
Indonesia. - apa ini?
34. You work at McDonalds when youre old rather than young. -
aren't they trying to rip off the old?
35. Youll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great
lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a
parking coupon. - mummy says muz scrimp and save....
36. Pork floss and mayonnaise on bread is a completely natural
combination to you. - personally i hate that...
37. If youre pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people
on the MRT fall asleep instantly. - here she comes! ....
Zzzzzzzz
38. You ask for the bill by miming a signing movement. - or by
whistling....
39. Youve started referring to foreign employees as talent
instead of expatriates. - wat abt those construction workers or
cleaners? talents too?
40. At the dinner table, youre always discussing which other food
places serve better versions of what youre eating. - there is
always a mountain taller than this mountain....
41. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in
accidents. - and cause another jam behind u at the same
time...
42. You think your boyfriend doesnt really love you unless he
gives you part of his liver. - bloody spoil market.... where got so
many livers to give if u go though more than 1 relationship?
43. During sales, you book hotel rooms near malls to enable you to
shop more efficiently. - same thing as sitting nearer to the buffet
table, i guess...
44. You pronounce the letter R as ah-rer and the letter H as
haytch. - 'don't know' as 'no no' and 'is it?' as
'isssit'....
45. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with
their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are,
you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O
levels and A levels.) - and why the 'oooohhhhhh' whenever ppl
mention R-something? and the blank look when ppl say something like
''Wee Wee Primary School'?
46. Youre always on a quest for the definitive version of your
favourite local dish. - Right now.... any ver. will do!
47. When you explain things to people, you keep (a) using
alphabets, and (b) speaking in point form. - it's either (a) easy
to explain things, or (b) kenna trained since young....
48. You believe that you can generate creativity through rules
and committees. - your committee not coming up with ideas? start
another one to think of ways to make the first committee think of
new ideas!
49. You chope a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.
- some ppl also use water bottles.....
50. Youre very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen,
unless theres a chance they might actually hear you. - that's why
we have so many kopitiam 'speakers'... maybe Chee Soon Juan (did i
spell that correct?) shld consider that....
51. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers,
i.e..you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the
famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the
famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at
Beach Road. - Anyone know where my favourite AMK central carrot
stall moved to?
52. Your mother probably cant speak your mother tongue. - Hey
Ma! Ta men shuo ni bu hui jiang hua yu.... (Non-chinese speakers:
Hey Mum! They said you can't speak Mandrian!)
53. Youd rather drink your own pee than pay someone more for
water. - Same reason why i rather dun eat than to see the mood of
the hawker...
54. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good English
Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads. - Isn't it time
to everybody to finally realize that Singlish has reached a status
as 'national' language?
55. You have an automatic sensor in your head which categorizes
people you meet into stayer/ quitter, cosmopolitan/heartlander,
normal/ express/ gifted, etc. - everything, and I mean EVERYTHING,
muz be categorized....
56. You think were living in a modern, sophisticated country even
when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms. -
seriously... I still dun understand the reason behind that...
57. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, because otherwise
its damn leceh. - Damit! Y can't they at least let me experience
how is it like to vote??? One choice shouldn't mean no choice! I
want to draw circle or cross or watever on a piece of paper and
drop it into a box behind closed curtains!
58. During elections, you decide that there is no credible
opposition even though you dont know the name of the opposition
candidate in your constituency. - Hands up, those who actually know
who the opposition is, in your constituency... if there's
one....
59. You think having a constitution is like the condition you get
when you dont eat enough fibre. - given that most oppositions only
show their faces when elections are near... I'm not too
surprised....
60. You can never quite remember what the core values of
Singaporeans are. - Wat! look down on me! They are .........
eh.......... em...... eh.......... .......... argh!
Disclaimer: Comments in italics are meant to be taken
tongue-in-cheek and not seriously. They also do not reflect the
actual opinions of the author. Any coincidences are purely that....
coincidences...
