Sitting at my office I look out the window. All I saw is the
clear sky and tall buildings. I have come a long way to achieve
what I have today. Some people would consider that I am successful.
Some would even name me as one of the most eligible bachelor in
town. Money and success I have. Yes even the occasional women too
yet I feel I am missing something. Should I say that something that
I regretted for many years. Something that can't be undone no
matter how much money I possess.
Yes, your guess is right. It is love that I am missing. Typical
case right but it stills the truth. I still remember it clearly. I
was still a teenager back then. Back at high school where things
were more simpler and innocent. I saw her at the bus and recognized
her immediately. She was a girl from the same primary school as I
was. We have never spoken to each other. Only knew that such person
existed.
Yet that day I felt something. Not like lightning strike my heart
like you hear from those people that fall in love at first sight.
It was rather a warm feeling like a sense of recognition of my
heart. She was same like any teenager but what made stood out still
puzzles me even today. She had short wavy hair and a little
tomboyish about her. Yet her face portraits an innocent look that
made a print in my heart.
I saw her everyday on the way to school and after school to home by
the bus and sometimes even at the bus stop. Sometimes I would
purposely wait for her to arrive at the bus stop and would take the
same bus as her. I would steal glimpses at her but would quickly
turn around so that she will not notice. That how innocent and
naïve I was toward love.
A few months pass like that everyday. She was my motivation to go
to school. I would not skip school even when I was sick. Seeing her
will make me happy the whole day and no matter what difficulty I
face I will endure it will a smile. But if I don't see her I would
be down the whole day and lack energy in doing anything. It was
like I was addicted. I felt truly happy then. If compare to now
even multimillion dollar business deal don't make me feel that
happiness again. How easy it was to be satisfied when we were
young.
After some time I think she caught me stealing glances at her. She
would just smile. And she too starts stealing glances at me. It was
as it was a secret between the both of us. Just knowing the
presence of each other was enough for both of us. From her nametag
I knew her name and I wonder if she knew mine. A name that I will
never forget. Eleanor and that means light and she is the light of
my life.
It continues through out my high school years. That is why I don't
have any girlfriend in high school. As the days toward graduation
approaches I was consumed with sadness because I can no longer see
her everyday. I thought various ways to speak to her but I was
afraid. Afraid of failure. That why in the end I lost her. I lost
my first love when I don't even have it to lose. What an ironic
thing.
Yet I still remember the only conversation we had if it was
consider as a conversation. I remember that last day on the bus. As
she was alighting the bus she said goodbye to me. She looks
straight me and said goodbye. Our very first and final word. I was
dumb folded and could only say a quick goodbye. That how my first
love ended.
After that I was into many relationship in college and in my career
years. Some last for a few years and some merely a few months. Yet
out of all the girlfriends I have, only her I remember every detail
clearly. I regret not having the guts to talk to her. In my mind,
the question what if always pops up. Would my life be more
different if I talked to her I always wonder.
The older I get the more I thought of her yet her whereabouts I
don't know. Do she know that someone is thinking of her day and
night. That why I took the initiative to find out. I want to make
up for being a coward. I went to some old high school friend to
find out. Through some contact I found out. I meet her best
friend.
I told her who I was and she told me what she knew. Eleanor told
her that she had a crush on a boy on the bus during her high school
years and they have never spoken a word. Eleanor would never a miss
a single day of class like I did. At last she decided to say
goodbye to that boy. A goodbye so she can forget the boy. Now I
knew what that goodbye meant. Eleanor went oversea to study and
completed her degree. After that she came home to work.
One day on the way to work she had an accident and die instantly on
the spot. The love of my life was gone and I have not even got to
know her. Her best friend told me that Eleanor never forgot me and
brought me to her grave. I didn't shed a single tear because my
heart has been shredded and no longer can feel anything. Her best
friend gave me one of Eleanor photo and Eleanor diary as
remembrance.
From the diary I knew all her feelings through out high school. I
regret what I didn't do. Looking at the clear sky I wonder where
she is now. Do she knows that I love her and how sorry I am. Yet
life has to go. She will remain in my heart and it is time to move
on. That why I decided to fulfill her dreams for her. She wanted to
see the world and travel to different countries. That what I
decided to do and today is my last day of work.
Maybe someday I could met someone and love again. In the meantime I
have the world to see. And everywhere I go I would tell people to
be brave and try. Don't be afraid to fail. Failure hurt less than
regret. This I am telling from experince.