I wrote this story when I was in the middle of some rough times
with my life. The feeling of my story is a feeling of loss and not
knowing whether or not to show emotions. It's a feeling of
confusion and isolation. I was afraid to show emotions, so I cried
on the inside - that's where I get the phrase "silent tears". It
means that I can hear myself cry, but nobody else can.
I am alone, so very alone. I'm hurt so very bad.I am ignored,
just thrown aside. I am security, for others to have.I am lonely,
there is no one close, no one sees the pain.I cry,
hope is gone.I am alone, and no one knows.
I'm just a lonely girl, who always find my way out to get more
friends. By the time i get friends, i would be sad bcoz the friends
i have don't care for me or don't love me as much as i do.
Sometimes i wonder, why is it too difficult to find a true friend.
I always ask myself what is God trying to tell me. Those friends
who knows me, knows that am a very caring, kind, humorous and happy
go lucky girl. Why? coz when am with my friends, i always wanted to
see them happy, wanted to see them smile. I always take care of
them and for me i never took care of myself. Even though i'm sad
and hurt of what i feel inside of me, i never showed to them or to
anyone.
Part 1: With my best buddy
I've known this guy called Jason for more than 3years. I have cared
for him all thru this 3years and became so close to him. As for
him, he had family problems and now he's staying with his mom and
his bro's. He din't grow up in a good family like mine as his
parents got divorced since he was young. He have seen violence in
his family since young. So until he grows up, he turned to be
violent.
Part 2: How do i know him?
Since am a loner & i don't hang out that much i decided to go
online(MIRC) This is where i met him. He has gotta a cool nick
which makes me wanna chat with him. When i chatted with him, I
didnt feel happy or sad. I just had a normal feeling.
For few days i kept on chatting with him until he asked for my
number so that we could keep in touch. I hardly give my number out
to people but when he asked i gave it to him coz i have a trust on
him. The way he chats and jokes makes me happy and feel like
chatting with him each and every day.
After few days past, after i gave him my number...suddenly one day
he called me and I talked to him as a normal phone conversation.
After he called me, he asked me to call him back. And so i called
him back and talked for hours. When i talked to him i didnt care
about my phone bil. Each and every day i'm da one who called and
talked to him. This was goin' on for few months. Even the phone bil
i receive was 1,000 and above each month. I didnt care coz i was
pretty happy that i have got a "FRIEND" whom i can talk to even
though he lives quite far away from me. My parents scolded me and
advised me not to use the phone but still i ignore their advise.
When i feel like am alone, I'll just dial his number n talk to him.
I know this is wrong but for me i do always care for other people's
happiness.
Part 3: Misunderstanding
After a year i talked to him by phone and Online(MIRC) something
really bad happened between me & him. I din't realise that he
fell in love with me. But for me all i wanted him as a good friend
but i din't know thingz would turn out in an opposite way. So, i
told him i'm not interested in love and i thought he was just
kidding. So i din't take it that serious.I just took it as a joke.
Days past and he called me out and asked me whether i had a
"BOYFRIEND" or not. I told him i really don't have. For real, i
really don't have. Something happened between me and him that we
din't talk for a year. But me, in a confusion and sad was wondering
what really happened. I was so blur. I still did sms him as usual
telling him to take care as God is with him n stuff. Since then i
din't go online coz he wasnt there.
Part 4: Get back together
When i lost him in my life, i was bored to death. I was so damn
lonely! After a year, I got back again with him. It was through
online again. This is where i chatted with a guy similar to Jason's
nick name. In Mirc i don't give out my real name as i give out a
different name. When i was chatting with this so called another
guy.( I didnt know it was Jason.) And for Jason he didnt know it
was me. We both chatted for few days and suddenly one day he was
sharing his sad stories to me. Then only thing i realised that
he(Jason) was talking about me. Jason was pretty sad about some
misunderstanding between me and him. Jason felt sorry for what
happened and he said he wanted me back.
I told to Jason, the person u r talking about her is me. I'm the
gal. I'm the same gal which u misunderstood me last year. And he
goes: Really?? I said yup and we got back togather. He was happy
2meet me again n i was too. It did hurt me, but i forgave him. He
felt very sorry about da misunderstanding which happened a year
ago. Since that day i din't called him but i do come and look for
him online. Later on he asked me to call him after christmas and i
called him up. He was so happy to get me back in his life.
Part 5: Still good friends
Just like before i started to call him and talk to him. Everyday i
call and talked to him. I don't care about the phone bil. I don't
care even if my mom or dad scolds me or warn me. As i know, I'm
doing something wrong by not obeying my parents but what can i do?
I feel so lonely. I always cry after i come back home from college.
When my friends r happy I feel so hurt inside. When i see a couple,
i feel anger in me. My friends are not english spoken as they
always talk in their own language which makes me wanna cry and get
out of the place. I always tell them to speak English but after a
while they speak their own language. Even everywhere i go to class,
shopping, to a place to eat i feel so bored. I cant stand the way
they treat me. When they laugh i don't know what da hell they r
talking about. I feel so sick and fed up with this life. So
whenever they speak in their own language i just have to keep
smiling and just ignore it. What else can i do? Scold them? Tell
them also they don't wanna listen, so its better for me to just
ignore it & take the pain. But then when i got back Jason i was
feeling a happy coz i still do have a "FRIEND" whom i can talk to
and share everything.
Part 6: Close to each other
We just got closer to each other by Online and phone. We dint even
meet once also. He wanted to meet me, but i always reject by saying
"No" coz i also don't know why. Maybe i wanna know him more better.
Days pass by, i know many things about him and he knows many things
about me. He once again told that he loves me and wanted me to
accept that. For me, i din't have the love feelings for him as i
want him as a good friend. He couldnt understand that. I always
wondered why cant a guy accept a girl as his good friend. Y must he
accept her as his sweetheart? Why is that always best buddies
always end up with love n stuff? I also told him i was not
interested in love. I din't mean to hurt him but i just wanna tell
Jason the truth. I want him as a Good friend. He was hurt. he was
badly hurt. I was hurt too coz when i see someone suffer or if i
see someone get hurt i cant take it. I would feel the same too. I
told him I'm sorry and i told him i cant help him to be his.
Everytime i call him, he always ask me the same Question and he
will always ask:Am i yours? am i yours? Do u love me? R u mine? But
me feeling very hurt, i would always try to change the topic or
sometimes i would say don't ask me the same thing. I'm bored!
Everytime when i feel sad, n i cry i don't have a shoulder to cry
on. I turn to God. I always ask God to help to clear his mind but
god din't answer me. Each and every day i ask God to clear Jason's
feelings about me. I've trouble in sleeping. I don't sleep at
night. This was when i first joined da college. I'm not happy at
all.If am not happy, i cant sleep. I will stay awake all night. I
tried taking sleeping pills to sleep for few days n then i stopped
coz parents scolded me. I was totally a crazy lonely girl. I ask
god for happiness but he gave sadness. I never blame god for
anything. No matter what he(God) gives me i'll accept it as i love
him(God) more than anything else. Before meeting Jason online, i
have someother friends who have betrayed me, talked bad behind my
back and wanted to be my friend only because i have money$$. After
i cared for them, they just fly away from me. Anyway, about Jason
he asked me to SMS him everyday and i did call him too. We really
got closer.
Part 7: Parents warned!
For few months i called him everyday, talked to Jason for 5hours or
more. We talk about God, he talks about his problem but i never
tell him my problems about the phone bil. I don't know why, but i
don't wanna tell him. Afraid he'll go out of my life or just i have
the fear in me. Until one day the phone bil was 2,000 above. My
parents scolded me, even tried to beat me. I felt the pain when my
mom beat me and my dad slapped me for the first time ever in his
life. They asked me about the person whom i was talking to. I just
tell them it was a good friend of mine whom i care, as i don't have
any good friends to talk with in real life. But for me i know i did
a wrong thing and i asked them to forgive me. They did n they
forgave me. Finally, i told Jason about the matter and he was so
upset about it. He couldnt help me to sort of the bils as he just
asked sorry from me. I said its ok! From that day on i din't call
him. But i still do keep in touch with him by SMS. The most thing
which hurts me is whenever i SMS him, i never get the reply from
him. Everyday i SMS him some poems, quotes or anything which he ask
me to, but i never get the reply. I felt that when i knew him
2years back until now he never sent me a single SMS from his phone.
I also thought from the 1st day he called me n then the 2nd day
till now i'm the one who care to call him and talk to him. He
always say he misses me so much, but i feel this is all not true.
I'm asking for those who r reading my story. How would u feel if
theres is only one part of communication? How would u feel if u SMS
a person whom u care so much din't reply U ? Can u ever imagine
that ? Sometimes i feel that he's just using me. But i don't know
what he really wants from me. When i stop SMS-ing him, he SMS from
the net and ask me whether i have forgotten him or not. Why is that
so difficult for me to find a good friend? why is it so hard to
find a caring n kind friend ? Why?
Part 8: Not so close to each other!
When i stopped calling him, he never called me.He NEVER did! Ouch!
It does hurts. He never care to call and ask how am i doing. He
never care to SMS me. I do still meet him online but not that much.
I do still care for him but he don't. He still asks me the same
Question do u love me? And i keep on answering I don't. I know he's
not the right person for me. He only makes me sad and hurt.
Everytime i see him online i feel sad and hurt. Sometimes i care
for him but sometimes i try to go away from him. I tried but i
cant. Coz i've cared for him and was a good buddy 4him. I just cant
go away. I still do cry to sleep. I still do cry when i'm lonely. I
still do cry when my college friends enjoy themself. I still
cry...N even today when am writing and sharing u about my story i
still do cry coz it hurts me alot.
Part 9: ??????
I don't know what else to say. I don't have a good friend to talk
to. I don't have a good friend to share my feelings. I don't know,
am confused coz he's still out there but nvr SMS me or calls me. We
just meet online but not everyday. Only thing that i'm happy is
that i have changed him to be a better person. I hope he's happy
and enjoying his life there.
But that is what I'm going through. I know someday things would get
better. I would feel like a baby again,I would watch the sunrise
with someone I might fall in love.
But till then,Why can't I help myself?
For those Of u out there: Do treat your buddies with good care and
be loyal with them. Please don't hurt them. I believe there is
someone like me whoz also suffering the same way as i do. For that
someone, God bless u and for the rest. As for me, let this be a
part of my lesson. I have learnt my lesson but then am not gonna
change myself coz its already in me. I'm born with it. I care and
love each and everyone out there. Take care and Keep smiling
