Dear Diary,
[yes bismarck I am in danger...]
It's one day away from the 'A' levels.
I'm having mixed feelings.
I'm very afraid.
Afraid of failing, afraid of getting panic attacks again.
I didn't use to be afraid of failing, because I had a backup plan.
In fact, I didn't want to attend university.
But I haven't received a reply from ABRSM, telling me that I CAN
take 2 exams in a year. 
Life is so uncertain for me now.
If I can't take 2 exams in a year, I'm going to spend 7 years
pursuing a diploma in Music, when my friends are going to spend 3
or so years pursuing their degree.
I'm quite prepared to flunk the 'A's. But the most important thing
right now is not to let stress overcome me at the last moment. If I
can never learn how to maintain my composure during stressful
situations, I'll never be able to succeed!
But.. but if I flunk my examination, I don't know.
I don't know whether to blame myself for the state I'm in
now.
I always think that why I am what I am today is because my parents
never bothered, never cared about what I'd been doing. Achievements
were left unnoticed. That's alright. But they didn't even stop to
think about the poor grades I'd been getting since secondary
school, until my mom was called to the college a few months
back.
But nothing has changed ever since the visit. She told me she'd
change. She told me she'd stop grumbling to me about everything and
start to show me more concern. But she didn't. Like
today, I merely asked her to buy some ginseng so that I can bring
them to school on days when I have papers in the afternoon, she
merely told me to bring SOMETHING ELSE. 
I'm not picking on
the fact that she gives all her attention to my elder brother when
he needs it. But even without the brother around, she doesn't care
about me enough. Hello, this is my 'A' levels. Even though I have
made it clear about pursuing a career in music, it doesn't mean I
DON'T CARE. She can't even show the least bit of concern by
preparing meals more often at home.
I've been kinda inclined to think towards the lack of care/concern
from the people around me. You know, it's like when you keep doing
something, and even when you excel in it, and nobody cares,
eventually you'll grow tired of it. One cannot live in a
vacuum.
But when I look at those successful people with family backgrounds
worse off than mine.. I think I should be put to blame. For not
being strong enough. For not being determined enough. For not being
focused enough.
So, the 'A's are on Monday.. Sigh! 
