POO LA LA! MAN SPEAKS FRENCH OUT OF HIS BUTT
-- And he can't understand a word!
BY D.G. BULGER
LINGUISTS and proctologists from around the world are stunned by a
Detroit man's unique gift ... he is able to speak fluent French out
of his buttocks.
Jason Jablonski, a 40- year-old furniture salesman, began speaking
French out of his butt six months ago and has been unable to stop
ever since.
According to medical records, he was awakened one night last
January in his bedroom by a strange voice that seemed to be coming
from under his sheets.
"I listened, but was afraid to move," explains Jablonski. "I
thought an intruder may have gotten into bed with me. I couldn't
understand what was being said as it was clearly a foreign speaking
voice, and I never took any foreign languages back in school.
"The voice kept saying, 'Vive la France.' Finally I threw off the
sheets and turned on a light, only to realize the voice was coming
straight out of my rear. I was amused and amazed, if also a bit
disgusted" Jablonski then reportedly woke his wife Carol and asked
her what she thought of the voice. She was more disgusted and less
amused than he was and has subsequently left the country.
Communication experts believe that Jablonski is experiencing
Intestinal Linguistic Amplification, or ILA, a rare disorder that
allows the afflicted to communicate intestinally with other
people.
Dr. Edith Winters, senior fellow at the California Institute of
Bowel Abnormalities and an expert in ILA, elaborates, "Most cases
of ILA are Type I, or common language, meaning the same language is
both spoken and rectally amplified. "The individual will often have
conversations with his own buttocks. The most notable example of
Type IILA was Edward 'Double- Talk' Peterson who was a successful
vaudeville ventriloquist in the 1920s."
"Jablonski's case is quite different. He has Type II ILA, or dual
language, which is almost unheard of. It is most astounding that
his posterior speaks near perfect French without any formal
training, yet he cannot understand a word of what his backdoor
voice is saying."
Unfortunately, there is no known cure for ILA, although Jablonski
reportedly has not sought help and is actually pleased that he has
the disorder. The condition has helped Jablonski
occupationally.
He is now the leading salesperson in the furniture department at a
popular store in Detroit.
The store draws many French Canadian customers from across the
border, which has allowed his buttocks to sharpen its
conversational skills.
It also allows Jablonski to aid more than one customer at a time,
which helped him earn employee of the month honors for the past
three months.
While he is happy with his current job, Jablonski had hoped to use
his special gift to launch a new career as a French language
schoolteacher.
Unfortunately, that did not work out as he was fired after two
substitute-teaching jobs at a local community college.
His state employment record shows that "the students in the
classroom were frightened by his unconventional teaching style" and
were "unwilling to engage his backside in conversation."
He has subsequently had several interviews at the United Nations
and is hoping to gain employment as an interpreter in an embassy in
a French speaking country.
"Speaking both for myself and my backside, we would really like to
help people with our unique speaking skills," offers
Jablonski.
"We would like to make a difference in the world. This gift is a
blessing that must be used for a higher purpose."
