July 28, 2009 | Issue
45•31
Thousands of devoted Apple customers have already purchased the
light-weight 3GI.
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile
device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful
iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be
seen by the company's hippest and most dedicated customers.
"I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly
deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet," announced Apple CEO
Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the
eagerly awaiting crowd. "Not only is this our lightest and slimmest
model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see,
it's also the most handsome product we've ever designed."
The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in
hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause,
with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and
shouting, "I can see it!" "Look, there it is!" and "God, it's so
beautiful!"
Steve Jobs unveils the updated iPhone exclusively to those who
really, really want to see it.
Screams of "Of course, yes, I too can see the phone," were also
heard at this time.
According to Apple, the new iPhone 3GI boasts significant
hardware and software upgrades, superior processing speeds, and a
multi-touch interface that provides those who are "cool enough"
with a rich user experience. The wide-screen display reportedly
also features the most brilliant colors and finest resolution ever
imagined.
"The new 3GI is as light as air," said Apple senior vice
president Philip Schiller, reaching inside an empty display case,
apparently to remove the mobile device. "See how thin that is? It's
like it's not even there."
"Those who really understand what we do here at Apple are going
to love this new product," Schiller continued. "Unless, you know,
they happen to be totally lame."
Retailing for $599, the iPhone 3GI offers only the most special
Apple consumers—the ones who believe in the company more than
anything else in the world, and who would never, ever dream of
questioning it—the ability to open dozens of powerful applications
at once. In addition, the new multimedia device will provide true
Apple fans with a high-definition video camera, one-tap editing
with Final Cut Pro, and cut and paste.
Like thousands of others, New York resident Kelly Delaney called
in sick to work so that she could join the line outside the Apple
Store's trendy SoHo location days before the 3GI went on sale.
"Oh my God, I can't believe how much faster you can get online
with this," said Delaney, who exited the store holding a cupped
hand up to her ear and yelling into her wrist about how wonderful
the new phone was. "The reception is so clear, and you can pretty
much get a signal no matter where you go."
"Hold on a sec," continued Delaney, suddenly shaking her hand up
and down. "I think my battery is dying."
According to Apple, the new iPhone launched in 22 countries and
sold a record-breaking 8 million units on its first day.
"The selection of colors is amazing," said Paul Conrad, a
Fairfield, VA native who purchased phones in black, white, and
silver. "Not only does it look awesome, but it can do pretty much
anything you want as long as you believe in it."
"The AppleCare Plan doesn't cover dropping your phone, though,
so I'd recommend buying one of these designer protective cases,"
Conrad added.
While the new iPhone has been greatly admired and widely touted
for its impressive voice and data communication capabilities, some
Americans remain skeptical.
"Daddy isn't talking into anything at all," said 4-year-old Ella
Conrad, pointing at her father, Paul, who has been obsessively
staring at, playing with, and customizing the invisible phone since
purchasing it Monday. "Daddy's pretending to be on hold with an
operator."
