So, you've decided to ruin your life? Most the time, people
dont get the chance to actually decide to ruin their lives; it
just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a
conscious decision to do so, heres how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all
times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say
something, do something or do someone for which everyone will
condemn you. Youll be singing a rap song, but the only
recognizable part will be the N-word. Youll cut an old woman off
in traffic or accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes
from your car and not pick them up. Youll pick your nose or
scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this
will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube
or Contemporary Insanity. Pretty soon you will have an internet
nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you dont know
have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are
better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have
more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well
as anyone else.
When you wake up in jail, know that you can go right back to sleep
and snore off that hang over. Maybe its all a bad dream and you
will wake up in your own bed at home. With your own pillows and
blankie and stinky, bearded man ramming you in the butt.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out
about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the
word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
Doug. Hes wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and hes
wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.
Combine that tactic with any nicknames you have and watch your
polls drop! Especially if your nickname rhymes with TAX or
SLEEPSWITHLITTLEBOYS.
Step four: Open a MySpace account with your real
name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on
MySpace. Most of them are completely fd up. Using your real name
allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of
100 times, your friends will just circle your place in their 89
Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over
100 friends, now dont you? Duct Tape: the official tape of
MySpace.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you
enjoy it
Im in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I dont
make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays
more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are
stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
