What is love? Is romance important? How do I cope with sex? These
could be common questions if you are in a new relationship or
en-route to one. There are, unfortunately, no right or wrong
answers in the game of love even though it might help if you could
be aware of your own needs and desires.
You probably learnt about love and relationships from what you saw
on television, heard from friends or read in books. If you had
experienced a relationship yourself, you might even have been
puzzled as to why it seldom resembled the perfect pictures you have
seen. Alternatively, if you are completely new to the experience,
you may want to find out more before embarking on your first
relationship.
What better way is there to start than by understanding the basics
of romance, sex and love? Consultant, clinical and organisational
psychologist Professor Moneim El-Meligi, who has written articles
in "Match " and conducted workshops for Premier Club sheds some
light on these topics.
LAYING THE FOUNDATION
First things first: there is no perfect definition for romance, sex
or love. "If an adult asks me to define these words for him or her,
my honest answer would be 'Consult the dictionary. 'Alternatively,
I may tell him, 'you will find out when you fall in love '," says
Prof. Moneim.
That may sound harsh but it is true. The words romance, sex and
love refer to experiences that are purely subjective. They can be
defined in the abstract but do not tell us exactly how a person
feels or reacts to another person.
Psychologically speaking, romance, love and sex can be defined as
modes of relating to another person or to oneself. "Romance," says
Prof. Moneim, "is an experience which presupposes eminence of
feelings, imaginativeness and aesthetic appreciation of the loved
one. It is an attribute of a mode of loving that transcends
objective reality and adds to, precludes or suspends sexuality as a
physical act."
While all three elements of romance, sex and love can come together
to create an ideal relationship, whether or not they actually do so
will depend on the character make-up of the individuals involved,
their values, aspirations and temperament. Time and space
constraints will also have to be taken into consideration. That is
why a period of courting is needed to acquire knowledge about one
's potential spouse.
ROMANCE, SEX AND LOVE
Romance as Prof. Moneim said earlier is an attribute of loving
relationships that cannot be divorced from love. It starts when we
go beyond talking formally and experience freedom in the expression
or demonstration of affection, tenderness and the like.
A few components constitute a romantic mode of loving. First, the
element of feeling is very strong. Second, there is an aesthetic
appreciation of the other person. Romanticism also implies that the
sensory messages between lovers become intensified. Lovers do not
get tired of looking at each other or touching each other. This
brings in a third element of loving which is intimacy. Lovers in a
romantic mood want to be alone. They may dismiss reality altogether
as the aesthetic experience could tap the imaginative resources of
the lover and give rise to fantasies about the other person or both
people together.
One 's circumstances and reality, however, cannot be ignored.
Romance needs time and private space. How can you be romantic if
you are constantly striving to achieve objectives and have no
privacy? Hence, do not rush to the final act as you can afford
beholding, caressing and fantasising about or with your partner. In
some cultures though, there are constraints on the former.
Where does love come in then? Well, assures Prof. Moneim, love is
already there. There is no romance without love, but love can exist
without romance. As the more satisfied you are with love, the more
romance is likely to colour the relationship.
Love comes before romance but there has to be some attraction to
get things going. That, says Prof. Moneim, is the beginning of
sexual attraction. Sexual attraction can come before love and
romance. A person may seek out somebody only from that point of
view and go straight from attraction to sexual gratification.
Romance, in such an instance, presupposes delay of sexual
gratification. Hence, when it comes to sex - or any other part of
the relationship - it is most important to be honest with oneself.
You should ask what you want from the other person and vice versa.
Your concept of romance thus depends on who you are and what you
want from that relationship. Prof. Moneim cites some examples.
There are some extremely rational individuals who can be happy
without romance. These could be the same practical people who are
not ashamed of their sexual approach and practices. There are also
others known in psychology terms as "tender-minded " individuals
who seek aesthetic experiences or romance in their relationships.
And when this happens, "It is wonderful!" says Prof. Moneim.
Aesthetic appreciation can not only prelude sex, it can even
transcend it. For some people, aesthetic appreciation alone can be
gratifying in itself, he adds. There are some extreme cases where
sex precluded from romance could result in severe deprivation for
the less romantic. Hence, for a relationship to be happy, symmetry
in romance must exist. There must also be room for spontaneous
adjustment.
PUTTING IT TO WORK
There have been so many studies on love and relationships that
everybody can be considered an expert on these topics. Yet, when it
comes to ourselves, we still have problems with love, sex and
romance. Why?
According to Prof. Moneim,it all boils down to the difference
between "knowing " and "understanding "."You don't have to know too
much about a person to understand him or her. Some people
overestimate the importance of knowledge in a relationship. All
that is necessary for a trusting and a healthy relationship between
two people is the knowledge gained voluntarily and through
interaction with the other person.
This again leads us to symmetry. The only way to understand your
partner 's thinking is to be sensitive to him or her. Do not assume
that you comprehend your partner 's thoughts or feelings. Really
communicate, look at the person while you are talking and monitor
his or her reaction to what you say or do.
But what really needs to be emphasised, reminds Prof. Moneim, is
empathy. You don 't need too much information to empathise with a
person whom you have just met. As a matter of fact, information
overload may not only spoil the relationship, it can also scare the
other party, cause embarrassment or lead to confusion and
indecision.
Thus, do not expect an ideal relationship with a perfect synergy of
romance, love and sex, advises Prof. Moneim. "I think as humans
this could be something that may not exist," he says..
What we should really do is to get away from words and move into
experiences. Words like romance, sex and love are what we get from
the dictionary. "The word is not the thing," as the semanticists
say. What really matters is what people experience when they talk
about being in love.
