From an email:
Zen Rules for 2004
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow. In fact, just sod off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important until you aren't getting
any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you break wind.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try
missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day. 
13. If you lend someone £2 and never see that person again, it was
probably
worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
*ouch*
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from
bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it
back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it
holds the universe together. 
21. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the
backside..... then things get worse.
