1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews
also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to
movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8
days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No
one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks
when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't
look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with
a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher
butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida)
or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with
the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or
the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the
bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how
to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukah, Hanukah,
Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are
relieved of that burden. No one expects
a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we
get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or
having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly
pleased that many of
the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal
brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them
beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell
of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in
festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil,
potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud
people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes
and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on
Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during
Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift
on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story
are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell
it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends
anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our
history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think,
"Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't
sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of
my shrink". 13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is
a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major
holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think
observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your
dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed
good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah!
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