The new year is an opportunity to let go of
the negative people in your life who are holding you back and
weighing you down.
Whether they’re coworkers, friends or family
members, setting boundaries with these toxic people ― or
removing them from your life entirely ― can be difficult, but it’s
ultimately necessary and freeing.
We asked experts to tell us which kinds of
people you’re better off leaving behind as we head into 2018.
Here’s what they had to say.
The people in your life should build you up
and celebrate your accomplishments ― not poke holes in them. But
somehow, Debbie Downers manage to find the storm clouds in
even the sunniest skies.
Got a raise at work? “That’s all? You
really deserve so much more for the work you’re doing,” a Negative
Nancy will reply.
Just planned the vacation of your dreams?
Debbie’s all: “Are you sure you want to go then? It’s a very
crowded time of year.”
“Toxic people have a way of sucking the joy
out of your good news and contorting your positive news into
something negative,” marriage and
family therapist Sheri Meyers told HuffPost. “They’ll find
reasons why your good news isn’t great.”
And while it may seem like
it’s coming from a place of care or concern, that usually isn’t the
case.
“Don’t let Debbie Downers’ underhanded
negativity and faux concern diminish your happiness or knock the
wind out of your sails,” Meyers said. “Toxic people are not caring,
supportive or interested in what’s important or best for you.
”
These people will try to attack, undermine or question
your perception of reality to make you doubt yourself. That way,
they can maintain the upper hand in the relationship.
“Like all toxic people, gaslighters are
insecure. These means are effective in getting their needs met but
are incredibly damaging to relationships,” therapist Amanda
Stemen told HuffPost. “They may outright lie and deny it,
no matter the proof, their actions don’t match their words, they
intentionally confuse you, make you think you’re the problem, or
turn others against you.”
In some cases, gaslighters may not realize what they’re
doing. And those that do may not care about the damage they’re
causing. Stemen recommends avoiding contact with these people until
they are able to take responsibility for their behavior.
A user demands your time, energy and resources
without taking your own wants and needs into
consideration.
“Unless meeting your needs directly benefits
their narcissistic agenda, a user will only give you enough to
ensure you won’t leave them as a future resource to
tap,” psychologist Ryan
Kelly told HuffPost.
Kelly also noted that users tend to be likable
people who often use their charm to get their way.
“Being around these people can feel great,” he
said. “When it’s convenient for them, they can make you feel
invaluable and loved. But when it’s not, they’ll leave you feeling
rejected, insecure and worthless.”
If a loved one continues to engage in reckless
behavior or struggles with an addiction they refuse to get help
for, it may be time to rethink your relationship.
“He or she is out of control and dragging you
down the drain too,” Tina B.
Tessina― psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You:
Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ―told HuffPost.
“You’re not helping this person by letting them take advantage of
you, disrespect you or use you. That’s called enabling. You have to
back off.”
She continued: “Stop cleaning up their messes,
don’t lend money if you’re not going to get it back. Stop running
on guilt and the fear that they’ll hurt themselves. They probably
will, and you can’t stop it.”
Tessina recommends keeping your distance until
this dysfunctional person is committed to their recovery. Sure, you
can help them find a therapist or support group, but remember: You
can’t fix their behavior for them.
We hope our friendships will last forever ―
but the reality is that many won’t, because they’re not supposed
to. And that’s just fine.
“Many friends are just meant to be in our
lives for a time and then we’re supposed to move on,” Kurt Smith, a
therapist who specializes in counseling for
men, told HuffPost. “Unfortunately, guilt,
obligation and faulty beliefs keep us hanging on much longer than
is good for us and often for them too.”
Friendships should be reciprocal and balanced.
If they’re not, it may be time to move on.
“If you’ve got a friend who’s more of a burden
than a help ― and not just for short periods of time, which we all
can be ― who you only hear from when they want something, is only
interested in talking about themselves, or is overly critical or
negative, then you really need to rethink your relationship with
this person,” Smith added.
This person will constantly find fault with
you and keep track of your every mistake so they can use it against
you in the future.
“They play the one-upmanship card by drawing
on the times you didn’t do something, let them down or did
something incorrectly, [and use them] as evidence of your
shortcomings,” Meyers told HuffPost. “When you try to defend
yourself, discuss or resolve it, toxic people will usually bring up
a disappointment from the past, pointing out your faults and
how you’re never really there for them.”
She added: “They are always keeping score. And
you’ll never get enough points. They will vehemently defend
their perspective, and take no responsibility for anything they do
or have ever done.”
None of us is perfect. So we rely on our real
friends to be truthful with us when we need a wake-up call or an
honest opinion. But someone who is constantly criticizing
is not a true friend.
“The critic finds fault with much of what you
do and will take every opportunity to point out a flaw. They also
won’t approach you from a place of care and concern, but rather
blame and accusations,” Stemen told HuffPost. “They make it
seem like you’re the problem instead of the behavior.”
Overly critical people often have low
self-esteem and may be projecting their own insecurities onto the
people around them.
“So really, their criticism is about
themselves, but it doesn’t make it fun ―or necessary ― to hear. And
their negativity isn’t something that’s healthy to be around,” she
added.
“If there are real problems, such as lying,
severe money issues, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many
past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal
activities or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept
promises of change,” Tessina told HuffPost.
She continued: “Change is difficult, and will
take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well-intended, are
not sufficient. Get out of this relationship before you are any
more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your
partner decides to get help, let them do it because they know they
need it, not to get you back.”
When dumping a person like this, Tessina told
HuffPost it’s important to exercise caution.
“I often advise clients who need to break up
with an abusive or violent partner or a stalker to break up via
e-mail, to be safer,” she said.