Therapists are trained to help clients with their big,
life-upending challenges, but they are also trained to help clients
with the tiny, everyday things they can do to keep themselves
emotionally and physically healthy. We call those things self-care
skills — the little activities, like getting enough sleep or
finding a safe space to express negative emotions, that often fall
by the wayside when we’re under duress. And a lot of us are under
duress every day. As a therapist I can advocate for self-care
skills all day long… but as a human being with an aversion to
corniness, I always really hated that term.
In my book about approaching your self-improvement as if you were a
superhero-in-training, called Super You, I tried to take a different tactic to
approaching self-care skills for myself and others by reframing
them as a bag of tools. The idea is that the bag’s always strapped
to you, like Batman’s tool belt full of bat-themed weapons, so the
tools will always be readily available. Some of the tools you can
and should use every day, some are only used for checking in on
yourself, and some are for emergencies.
Here is a list of a few Super You tools that should be as handy as
a batarang. You
may find that you’re already using some of them, and if so, give
yourself a pat on the back!
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
I tend to really throw myself into relationships with the vigor and
enthusiasm of a puppy. I come on strong. You may not knit sweaters
out of your own hair for a new partner, but what things are you
doing for a new romantic partner that you could be doing for
yourself too? Do you delve deep into your partner’s wants and
needs? Do you pay attention to your partner’s every inkling of a
thought, transfixed and awestruck? Do you provide nice back rubs
and bubble baths and genital action? Everything that makes you a
good partner can be applied to dating yourself, and pretending as
if I was doing nice things for someone else helped me feel less
guilty about treating myself.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
My parents forced me to volunteer when I was young, and though I
hated them for it at the time, it absolutely shaped who I became. I
have volunteered at hospitals, at science parks, at tutoring
centers, at LGBT centers, at women’s shelters, in courthouses, and
at animal rescue facilities, and each time I leave with a tiny hint
of what it’s like to be someone other than myself. This is great
perspective to gain. Once you’re out of school, you mainly interact
with the people you choose to interact with, and that can give you
a pretty narrow worldview. Volunteering has helped me gain a sense
of the world’s hugeness and of my own tiny place in it. You may
think that you’re too busy to volunteer, but I promise you that,
just like working out or having a creative outlet, devoting your
time to someone other than yourself is hugely important in keeping
yourself centered. And listen, this is not even slightly the reason
why you should volunteer, but imagine how it’ll feel the first time
someone at a party asks you, “What have you been up to?” and you
respond, “Volunteering at ______! It’s amazing.” It’s a pretty
lovely and distinctive feeling.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
So what is downtime, or “me time”? People may intellectually know
what it means, but they don’t know what it means to them. Me time, as I’m defining it, is how you accumulate
mental energy — not physical energy, and not social energy, but
mental energy. It’s a pleasant way to spend time that is not
productive, as cleaning or going to the gym is. It’s just
straight-up indulgent stuff that you do for you and you only — and
it doesn’t tax your brain. I’m a pretty scheduled girl, so I try to
set aside 30 minutes for downtime every day. I know that sounds
ridiculous, but it actually works. To figure out things you can do
for your downtime, think about what you did when you were a kid in
the summer and had whole days stretched out in front of you with
nothing to do. Here are a few options that I choose from when it’s
downtime…time.
• Eat at a restaurant alone — no book, no phone.
• Make cookies.
• Put on a cocktail dress and heels and dance around my house to
loud music.
• Reread my old Sweet Valley High books.
• Walk slowly and aimlessly in pretty surroundings.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
When you’re a kid, the parameters of your life are set up by other
people — and though these parameters can be annoying at times, it
can also be somewhat comforting to know what to expect, and what’s
expected, in any given situation. When I first became an adult and
went to college, free to eat meals as I liked and go to bed
whenever, I experienced an immense feeling of joy and wonder at my
newfound freedom, followed by a weird emptiness. I felt unmoored.
So I started creating rituals in my own little life and with my
roommates to help restore some of the parameters that had been so
soothing and reliable.
Rituals can involve many types of things: playing Dungeons &
Dragons on Sunday, having brunch with friends, craft night, regular
chat conversations, Tuesday FaceTime appointments with your
parents, date nights. Essentially, they’re a series of actions
assigned a special meaning. The important thing for rituals is that
you (1) make them clear and simple, (2) communicate them to the
person you want to ritual it up with (if it’s not a solo ritual),
and (3) enact them regularly.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
Every few months it’s a good idea to take stock of the friendships
you have. How strong are they? Do you have any friendships that are
toxic and need some adjusting? Is there anyone in your life you
feel yourself growing distant from whom you would like to reconnect
with? Every friendship is supposed to bring you something positive.
If it doesn’t, why is it still a friendship?
For bonus points, you can also go through your friends individually
and parse out the kinds of support they offer you. This may seem a
bit creepy, so you can skip this step if you like, but I started
realizing how some of my friends want to talk about feelings a lot,
and some make me laugh harder than anyone, and so on. This is not
to say that you then seek out your friends only for what they can
provide you — but it’s good to know that, if I’m pondering life
after death and go to Pete to discuss it with him, he may respond
by doing a bit and making coffee come out of my nose, which may not
be super useful to me at the moment. Don’t expect more from your
friends than they have to offer, and don’t set up friendships where
you are continually having to overextend yourself socially.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
Asking for help is one of the toughest things to do. It can make
you feel vulnerable, weak, or just plain weird — but it’s also the
stuff that close relationships are made of. In my younger days,
when I sought attention from a friend, I greatly exaggerated what
was happening with me, stirring myself into a faux crisis out of
fear that my mundane worries weren’t enough to warrant needing
support. In looking back, I see it was my way of protecting myself
from seeming dumb in front of a friend — if the issue was huge
(albeit fake), I could get the support I needed without feeling
stupid about my concerns and fears. But let me tell you this now:
if you’re struggling with something, whatever it is, that’s enough
to warrant reaching out to a friend. It’s also good to have an idea
of what kind of support you are looking for. Here are a few
categories.
• Listening
• Listening and empathizing
• Listening and solution-plotting
• Listening and gloom-and-dooming alongside you
• Distracting you from your troubles
• Giving a pep talk
• Showing care and affection
Giving your friend a sense of what you need from this list can be
really important. As any human can tell you, for the times when you
just want to be heard (listening), but your friend starts telling
you how to fix your problems (solution-plotting), you’ll want to
punch that well-meaning person in his well-meaning face.
Barbara Geoghegan for BuzzFeed News
When you are overwhelmed or stressed and need relief right now, try
this: Inhale for a count of seven, hold your breath for a count of
seven, and exhale for a count of seven. Do this several times, and
once you feel a bit calmer, it’s time to get some distance. Finding
mundane things to occupy your brain is a terrific, simple way to
emotionally back out from whatever hole you find yourself in.
I learned a trick a few years ago when feeling panicky: write down
all 50 states. This trick takes up brain space but has no emotional
weight, so I love it. Another self-distraction option I use is
forcing myself to notice tiny details about the environment I’m in.
What is the pattern in the floor? Is the tabletop clean or does it
have crumbs on it? Take in the room you’re in as if for the first
time. Notice and absorb every detail. Ask yourself weird questions
about it. When’s the last time the corners of the ceiling were
cleaned? How does one even clean the corners of the ceiling? Has
anyone died in this room? What’s the name of this color of paint?
Bury yourself in details until you feel calmer. Use as
necessary.
Adapted from Super You: Release
Your Inner Super Hero (October 2015) by Emily
V. Gordon, with permission from Seal Press, a member of the Perseus
Books Group. © 2015
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