Men of Australia, I have returned to you to report: Fifty
Shades of Grey is not sexy, it’s not very good, hell it’s not
even a functional film … but it is kind of fascinating.
As the women of Australia collectively bugger off to the cinema.
At least that’s the line the publicists are spinning as we hear
that “20,000 women will attend” the first screenings of Fifty
Shades – marking the beginning of a tie-me-up tsunami that will
swiftly follow suit.
But what about the other 11.5 million Australians? Should
guys – or more accurately, those of any gender who resisted the
book and its zeitgeisty allure – gleefully or grudgingly head out
on a film date? Or should they slip the knots, run from the
playroom and shout “red, red, red!” at the top of their lungs?
Frankly, the answer essentially comes down to whether you want
to understand that last sentence.
Let’s start with some basics. Fifty Shades of Grey is
less sexy as a film than Caravan of Courage: An Ewok
Adventure. Sure Dakota Johnson spends less time with a top on
than she does demonstrating any kind of personality (hint: not very
much at all), but they are some sexless boobs, despite the fact
that she, and they, are having a lot of sex. It’s not a matter
of being PC or prudish – heck this is some pretty vanilla
nudity and S&M – it’s just incredibly clinical. The sex scenes
could have been narrated by Sir David Attenborough and been more
erotic.
For the first 45 minutes, before the famous sex stuff
starts, Johnson’s character Anastasia is a dud. We know nothing
about this girl. She studies English Literature. She works in a
hardware store. She trips over invisible objects. That’s about it.
Her personality is as much of a virgin as she is. Christian says at
one point he’s not into necrophilia. Well being attracted to what
we see of Anastasia is only one step away from it.
She’s such a nobody that it’s easy to presume that this is a
modern Cinderella story. Sort of a reverse Pretty Woman.
It’s only once she starts negotiating with Christian the equally
personality-challenged zillionaire over their S&M contract – oh
yes, that’s the plot line here – that it becomes clear that the
fairytale being twisted here is Beauty and the Beast.
Only it doesn’t actually finish the story. We get a first act
where the pair meet and are attracted to each other because the
script says so, which is spankingly awful. Then the second act
begins as she realises what he’s into – which is spanking – and
they start a lengthy negotiation that is at face value about
whether she will submit, but really about who will change for who.
It’s not bad at all. Oddly fascinating. It’s an interesting
exploration of the psychology of why someone might agree. What
doubts might arise.
Then … the film ends. Only it forgets the third act. There is no
resolution.
So why see it? Because like the pre-pubescent boy who still
flicked through the Playboy he found by chance: you’re
curious. It won’t titillate you. You don’t really get it. It’s not
about finishing. You just don’t want to not see.
The film tries to ask how a “normal” girl might choose to do
this. It ponders why someone like Grey would ask her to. These are
interesting questions. Secretary is a film that answers
them a lot better, but it’s nowhere near as famous. This is the
only film that can possibly help with your fifty shades of pop
culture confusion.
So guys, it’s ok to watch Fifty Shades. And then let’s
never speak of this again.