1. You thoughtlessly waste other peoples' time. Every
time you're late to an appointment or meeting says your time is
more important. Every time you wait until the grocery clerk
finishes ringing you up to search for your debit card says you
couldn't care less if others have to wait unnecessarily. Every time
you take three minutes to fill your oversize water bottle while a
line stacks up behind you says you're in your own little world--and
your world is the only world that matters.
Small, irritating things, but basically no big deal?
Wrong. People who don't notice the small ways they inconvenience
others tend to be oblivious when they do it in a major way.
How you treat people when it doesn't really
matter--especially when you're a leader--says everything about you.
Act like the people around you have more urgent needs than yours
and you will never go wrong--and you will definitely be liked.
2. You ignore people outside your "level." There's an
older guy at the gym that easily weighs 350 pounds and
understandably struggles on the aerobic and weight equipment. Hats
off; he's in there trying.
Yet nobody talks to him. Or even seems to notice him.
It's like he's invisible. Why? He doesn't fit in.
We all do it. When we visit a company, we talk to the
people we're supposed to talk to. When we attend a civic event, we
talk to the people we're supposed to talk to. We breeze right by
the technicians and talk to the guy who booked us to speak, even
though the techs are the ones who make us look and sound good
onstage.
Here's an easy rule of thumb: Nod whenever you make eye
contact. Or smile. Or (gasp!) even say hi. Just act like people
exist.
We'll automatically like you for it--and remember you
as someone who engages even when there's nothing in it for you.
3. You ask for too much. A guy you don't know asks
you for a favor; a big, time-consuming favor. You politely decline.
He asks again. You decline again. Then he whips out the Need Card.
"But it's really important to me. You have to.
I really need
[it]."
Maybe you do, in fact, really need [it]. But your needs
are your problem. The world doesn't owe you anything. You aren't
entitled to advice or mentoring or success. The only thing you're
entitled to is what you earn.
People tend to help people who first help themselves.
People tend to help people who first help them. And people
definitely befriend people who look out for other people first,
because we all want more of those people in our lives.
4. You ignore people in genuine need. At the same
time, some people aren't in a position to help themselves. They
need a hand: a few dollars, some decent food, a warm coat.
Though I don't necessarily believe in karma, I do
believe good things always come back to you, in
the form of feeling good about yourself.
And that's reason enough to help people who find
themselves on the downside of advantage.
5. You ask a question so you can
talk. A guy at lunch asks, "Hey, do you think
social-media marketing is effective?"
"Well," you answer, "I think under the right
circumstances..."
"Wrong," he interrupts. "I've never seen an ROI. I've
never seen a bump in direct sales. Plus 'awareness' is not a
measurable or even an important goal..." and he drones on while you
desperately try to escape.
Don't shoehorn in your opinions under false pretenses.
Only ask a question if you genuinely want to know the answer. And
when you do speak again, ask a follow-up question that helps you
better understand the other person's point of view.
People like people who are genuinely interested
in them--not
in themselves.
6. You pull a "Do you know who I am?" OK, so maybe
they don't take it to the Reese
Witherspoon level, but many people whip out some form of the
"I'm Too Important for This"
card.
Maybe the line is too long. Or the service isn't
sufficiently "personal." Or they aren't shown their "deserved"
level of respect.
Say you really are somebody. People always like you
better when you don't act like you know you're somebody--or that
you think it entitles you to different treatment.
7. You don't dial it back. An unusual personality is
a lot of fun--until it isn't. Yet when the going gets tough or a
situation gets stressful, some people just can't stop "expressing
their individuality."
Look. We know you're funny. We know you're quirky. We
know you march to the beat of your own drum. Still, there's a time
to play and a time to be serious, a time to be irreverent and a
time to conform, a time to challenge and a time to back off.
Knowing when the situation requires you to stop
justifying your words or actions with an unspoken "Hey, that's just
me being me" can often be the difference between being likeable and
being an ass.
8. You mistake self-deprecation for permission. You
know how it's OK when you make fun of certain things about
yourself, but not for other people to make fun of you for those
same things? Like receding hairlines. Weight. A struggling business
or career. Your spouse and kids.
It's OK when you poke a little gentle fun at yourself,
but the last thing you want to hear are bald or money or "Do you
want fries with that?" jokes. (Bottom line: I can
say I'm fat. Youcan't.)
Sometimes self-deprecation is genuine, but it's often a
mask for insecurity. Never assume people who make fun of themselves
give you permission to poke the same fun at them.
Only tease when you know it
will be taken in the right spirit. Otherwise, if you feel the need
to be funny, make fun of yourself.
9. You humblebrag. Humblebragging is a form of
bragging that tries to cover the brag with a veneer of humility so
you can brag without appearing to brag. (Key word is "appearing,"
because it's still easy to tell humblebraggers are quite tickled
with themselves.)
For example, here's a tweeted humblebrag from actor
Stephen Fry: "Oh dear. Don't know what to do at the airport. Huge
crowd, but I'll miss my plane if I stop and do photos... oh dear
don't want to disappoint."
Your employees don't want to hear how stressed you are
about your upcoming TED Talk. They don't want to hear how hard it
is to maintain two homes. Before you brag--humbly or not, business
or personal--think about your audience. A gal who is a size 14
doesn't want to hear you complain that normally you're a size 2,
but you're a size 4 in Prada because its sizes run small.
Or better yet, don't brag. Just be proud of what you've
accomplished. Let others brag for you.
If you've done cool things, don't worry--they will.
10. You push your opinions. You know things. Cool
things. Great things.
Awesome. But only share them in the right settings. If
you're a mentor, share away. If you're a coach or a leader, share
away. If you're the guy who just started a paleo diet, don't tell
us all what to order.
Unless we ask. What's right for you may not be right
for others; shoot, it might not even turn out to be right
for you.
Like most things in life, offering helpful advice is
all about picking your spots--just like winning friends and
influencing people.
Now it's your turn. What would you add to the list?
Inc
