THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few
>very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct
superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground
squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my
co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can
only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our
>time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every
little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll
into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you
were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other
employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept
of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never
understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary
still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you,
even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you
what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You
walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may
have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their
talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of
managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone
else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the
Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting
a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my
resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal
for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to
hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly
call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because
I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I
know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list",
which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless
files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed
favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to
take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to
erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say
I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure
you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the
authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a
spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation
on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all
of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the
public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because
they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day, Cecelia
