Now this is some funny shit.
A few days ago I received a message.
Don't ask me why I am receiving them (I guess readers pm me
because they couldn't comment on my locked threads) but they're
hilarious! You get right to the point without holding back........I
love it. You saved me from sheer bordem in school this
afternoon.........thanks!
Jen
I replied back with my standard, "Thank ya kindly."
If you've never message me back, then I'll tell you that this is
usually the point in which our correspondence would probably
end.
I don't mind this so much and by the end of this post, you
should understand why.
You see, I was completely content in assuming that Jen was a
girl I associate the name “Jen” with (my JC classmate Jenn (with an
extra 'n')- an archetype of womanly grace and beauty, a girl who
I'm still friends with to this day). This was not the case.
Reader Jen felt it necessary to email me yet again:
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you're incredibly HOT. I'm a
40 year old powerlifter/personal trainer from KL. My pics are on my
profile at Myspace and Facebook if you're interested :)
I didn't respond to her at the time; but you know what? I feel
as though I should. Yes, it is my duty, nay my OBLIGATION to reply
to my readers; so Jen if you're still reading, here's my reply
:)
Dear Jen,
I'm going to assume that by taking a look at your pictures, you
mean that I should see if I find you attractive enough to fuck.
Being as you called me hot and are 40, well, I don't find that too
far of a stretch.
But, in order to appreciate the following reply, I must inform
you of the following things:
1) I'm an 23-years-old undergrad who lifts weights once a
week.
2) My mother is 45-years-old. That's only 5 years older than
you.
3) I like being dominant in bed.
Now, before I go any further, I'd like to give you advice for
the next time you try to take advantage of a young man...
DO NOT. AND I REPEAT DO NOT CALL YOURSELF A FUCKING
"POWERLIFTER" Or, at least, don't call yourself a powerlifter and
expect any man to go on your facebook and look at you.
I think I speak for every male on earth when I say that I will
never willfully look at a woman who powerlifts. When I'm flipping
through sports channels coverage of oily, orange, teeth-gritting
women, I run to the shower, take off my shirt, turn the cold all
the way up and don't get out until I stop vomiting.
Sometimes I even pass out.
In short, Jen, (or should I say Mrs. Jen?) this should be a
valuable life-lesson for you: appearance, especially for women, is
everything. Even the slightest hint that you could possibly look
like Bigfoot has disgusted and angered me.
That's what you're dealing with here, Jen. You're dealing with a
typical undergrad male. And while it may appear as though I haven't
learned anything from you, I must admit that your message did do
one thing for me: it reaffirmed my strong belief that I HATE
PANCAKE TITS!
So yes, thank you for describing me as "Hot." Obviously, your
perception skills are as developed as your pectorals, biceps,
glutes, etc. But please, cut down on the steriods, you fucking
man.
FUCKBAR
P.S.- I may call the police. Please don’t hurt me.
P.P.S.- I'm willing to reconsider if you have a considerable
amount of money.