hola everyone, tkn u for comments:
>>I feel that the rhythm in this poem is very unstable. I
read in a book that rhythm is pretty important as it captures the
reader, but of course, this can be a personal style and still as
successful.
ChingAlvin
-yes, u made a point there, the rhythm needs to be tweaked.
tkns.
>>I don't think the poem needs to be long to make a point.
Nobody can make poems longer or shorter than they should be. The
way I see it now you are trying to say that the cook has the
ability to cook but fails to see cooking as an art form, that food
is just food. The way I see it,
1) you can go on to explore the consequences of this way of
thinking,
-2) you can go a different direction, redraft comparing between how
a real artist of a cook cooks compared to the end-product of
someone who simply cooks
Or you can ponder and I'm sure you'll come up with more
ideas.
As it is now:
I think the punctuation is distracting - I think you have too many
unnecessary commas and full stops.
The line breaks are also sort of strange. Each line break is like a
pause and having them in the wrong place can disrupt the
reading.
To find the problem with rhythm, reading the poem back to yourself
out loud helps you to spot the bumps.
bluesky liz
-actually its about a persona who cannot cook and thus see cooking
as a strange art. im jus thinking, what is it like to be
baffled...? hmm. same thing about line breaks as others have made.
I think i got to understand more fundamentally why they are
there... tkns
>>well as usual i'm not the technical fellow.... i agree with
the strange rhythm, if u read it out loud to urself, it'll sound
more like a ranting... and if u really wanna talk abt the art of
cooking, perhaps u should explore deeper into it... give it some
more thots ya? dun just stop here Mr. Green
- hmm i want to explore the art of cooking as a baffling topic.
should it be magic? or science... hmmm
>>but wat i really wanna ask is..... wat kinda cuisine r u
trying to cook?! i can't really tell frm the ingredients
tare
- haha. gd question. nothing actually, there are just a couple of
ingredients u can find in ur kitchen, a kind of grab and go of
basic stuff.. interesting idea btw. a recipe?
hmmmmmmm..........
>>Hello ellzrae since this is a only a draft,
Arrow Experiment with linebreaks.
Arrow Watch your punctuations.
Arrow Ask yourself why you are writing this poem.
For the first few drafts, just let go and write, let it guides you
along. That is the fun part of poetry writing. Very Happy
deadpoet
-linebreaks, punctuations, fundamental questioning.. very gd.. u
summed up everyone's concerns.. 
>>i appreciate how you try to link cooking to art as in
"fingers that paint the chicken with spice". nice visual. Poem
sounds interesting, subject or topic is refreshing, would like to
see it develop into it's full glory Wink
good luck!
expiring poet
- thanks for encouragement, will work on it later.. i've got a few
leads from everyone here- let's see which route works...!
ellzrae
