I'll try to be as constructive as I can, I hope you don't mind,
DeadPoet.
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
[b]The Umbrella
Is Missing
The umbrella is missing. I knew it.
Should I activate the spell that Ive put on it a few days ago? It
must be the painter, the umbrella was here yesterday night and
after he left this afternoon, it was gone.
It must be the painter, damn foreign worker! I really need to be
more carefully with my belongings, shouldnt have left it hanging
at the door.
Now should I activate the spell? It will be dreadful to the thief,
bad lucks for seven years and all the nasty stuffs. Maybe I should
give him a chance; after all it has been raining non-stop for the
past few days. Maybe he just wants to borrow it for a while, you
know to buy lunch and things like that.
He will surely put it back after using it.
I will wait.
Nice! The way you wrote it makes it sound very real, like a
dialogue someone really would have with himself, and I think that's
really well done.
'The umbrella is missing. I knew it.' '...after he left
this afternoon, it was gone'. Maybe it should be in
present tense. Or, since the speaker wasn't there when he left, it
should be something like, 'he
left only this afternoon, and now it's gone.'
I think it would have more impact if you'd added more prejudice
here, not in a nasty way, but in a more I-knew-it way. Like,
'It's my own fault, I knew a
foreign worker would be coming, but still I didn't look after my
own things.', or something like that?
'He will surely put it back after using it.' Would
it have worked better if you'd written something less sure? Because
the speaker is prejudiced, after all, right? Or perhaps it might
work if the speaker gave the person the benefit of the doubt, not
because he had faith in the foreign worker, but because that would
make him feel better about himself?
Hmm. It is almost evening and my umbrella is still nowhere in
sight. I must teach him a lesson. I will activate the spell. But
really it is just an umbrella, why the need to get so work
up?
------
Ah my wife is back from work. But wait a minute, it wasn't the
painter who took my umbrella, it was my wife. She took it this
morning to work. Gosh, I almost hurt the person I love.
I am really ashamed of myself.
[/b]
It's quite a good ending, with a nice twist! I think it's a
little too matter-of-fact here, though. The speaker is thinking to
himself, isn't he? Would it work better if the speaker had said
something more observational, like 'she must have took it this morning',
or 'there's my wife---and the
umbrella!'?
All in all, though, I think you've managed to convey the idea very
well. It's realistic and has impact, and because of the way you
wrote it, it is something all readers can understand and relate
too. Nice!
