Jonathan

Mirumoto SG

With gangrenous tunes foraging for moods
the gentle silence jostles its way
Litany of questions best left on the shelf
Pause
And hear yourself think
And with the passing of time ,
The loose notes let themselves sink
Into the comfortable hues of colours
Fidget.
Stop it.
Stop shaking already.
Before the excuses set in
To visualise, a sudden spray of purplish green
Permeating the room with longing and unforgiving waves of...
Nausea.
Wake up!
Dont spill the coffee!
So whilst you stir in your sleep
As I might know - later on.
This strange song. This song of silence
The singing continues into the night

Nausea.
Sleep.
Dreams don't always lie.

Comments appreciated! Thank you!

Bluesky_Liz SG

It seems to be about someone taking LSD in the midst of a depression.

I'll admit I'm not sure what exactly you are trying to get at here.

expiringpoet SG

Must confess it's a bit too abstract. Read it twice and still unsure about what the poem is really trying to say, altho there are disturbing undercurrents of mood in the poem that are obvious Rolling Eyes

prayingbudda SG

i do agree with Bluesky_Liz and expiringpoet- i don't really know what this is about, but i find it disturbing.

and i really like the idea in "Dreams don't always lie."

Mirumoto SG

Thanks for the comments guys!

I wrote this to describe the crazy ringing that goes on in my ears in an enclosed space (does anyone have the same experience? stay in a car and be completely silent - switch off the engine as well, and that noise sets in). In this case with my best friend , who is jonathan, We were just sharing an awkward moment of silence over a sensitive topic. "Silence is golden" . "Never a misplaced silence" - my silence just happens to be really crazy ringing Sad ,driving me up a few walls once in a while

Anyone can relate to this?

Mirumoto SG

ooops! please ignore this post! i clicked quote instead of edit! sorry! Embarassed

expiringpoet SG

So your title is 'Jonathon', but the poem seems to be about your feelings more than it is about him? I'm confused... Rolling Eyes perhaps it'd be more helpful to the reader if you could focus the poem slightly. Just a suggestion. it'll make reading and understanding easier for the readers.

Bluesky_Liz SG

I can relate to what you just explained. Cool

But as for the poem, I think you've gone too abstract for your readers to understand your message. IMHO, it's easy for you to make the connections because you wrote it, it's not so easy for readers to discern what you mean by just reading those seemingly abstract fragments. Just a suggestion: it might be better if you were more direct with a mix of a few abstract elements, rather than having the poem entirely abstract in nature.

MoonIce SG

orh this silence i know
me got same same experience sometimes Mr. Green

once u mention it is silence i sorta know wat the whole poem abt Wink

but could do with a hint of noise somewhat Wink

DeadPoet SG

This remind me of a story...

I will tell you guys about it next time. Laughing