hi Liz, you didn't clean your house for some time , is it?
ok , my comments:
You can see the sinister
crooked micro-fingers pointing
at your lack of housekeeping
i suggest dropping "crooked" , too many adjectives.
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside, that enters through
an open window from
where you watch
homebound crowds bargain
for right of way with traffic lights
and yellow boxes.
suggest a linebreak after "outside", like this...
Bits of you falling apart
inside,
mingling with the wastes
of a world falling apart
outside,
that enters through.....
"falling apart" is repeated and i don't think it works, also sound
a bit cliched.
Ignore the rapping on the door,
pretend
no one is in;
you will not want a visitor
to see the dust you breathe.
ending's not too strong in my opinion.
needs re-working?
