Speak not of me, I am heard poorly
like a goldfish, round-eyed, 'loft in brackened
spit.
Huh? Speak not of me, I am heard poorly sound too awkward for my
liking. I know what is a spit, but what is a brackened
spit?
Mediocre fins, familiars to Neptune,
nap in certain seas; not bright, but gleaming,
Why Mediocre? is it because they are not the real things?
Assuming you are referring to yourself and not the fishes in the
sea, if that is the case, why are they familiars to Neptune? And
who/what is napping in certain seas? I am totally lost. Maybe it is
just me.
the first waves of light, dancing in
striations,
This is an interesting image. It works well for me and I really
like it.
bathe sands merged in sub-meridian.
I have but one fin and one tube, I am compelled
to a swift delivery, a thief cavalier riding
the hour of a stellar tide's decline.
Interesting linebreaks. But I am not so sure about the metaphor of
a cavalier. The main problems I have are even at this point I still
cant picture exactly where you are and what you are doing.
Here I trace sound paths along cracking glass,
the lub-dub of the ocean, this way or that,
the prodding beak of groupers keen so nearly
the cracking plod of an unexercised heart.
I like the sounds of these few lines. I feel this is your strongest
section of the whole poem. Nice sounds, smooth lines.
Speak not of me, if you were to say
that I am a goldfish, round-eyed and swollen,
unelemental, expiring in a somnolent flood.
Not too sure about the ending especially the last line. Why
unelemental? I like the tone of expiring in a somnolent flood
but again, why expiring?
I think it is a good piece of writing that could benefit from a bit
of editing. Slightly vague for me but I can live with that. At
least it is one of the better poems here.
