Originally posted by blue_blue_bedsheet:
Idolize
I see you through rose-tinted glasses,
You're perfect, without any flaws,
My devotion to you is boundless,
Defy Physics and any human laws.
Your every word is convincing,
To me, it becomes the Truth.
I really don't mind sacrifying,
My faith in you, no one else can move.
Possessed? Bewitched? Brainwashed?
Or just a fool with fever?
I really don't care what others think of me,
As long as i'm still in your favour.
This was written after i attended a friend's wedding and witnessed
how she changed. This also lend a voice perhaps, to the wife of the
"religious" guy that had so many wives and raped his own daughters.
I like this -- it has a raw honesty and sincerity that a lot of
poems lack. And contrary to an earlier response, I don't find the
piece juvenile -- unpolished, maybe, but certainly not
childish.
The ending lines (I really don't care what others think of me/As
long as I'm still in your favour) actually remind me of Wendy Cope
in its simplicity and truth.
Kudos.
Just a few bugbears, however.
Title: Why "Idolize"? If the title is a verb, I'll
expect the poem to be one that is full of movement and action, but
yours is more of a meditation than anything else. So personally,
for one-word titles, I'll go for nouns.
Language and grammar -- Why capitalize "Truth"?
Are we meant to read it as an independent entity? If so, the
suceeding verse doesn't support that view. And if it's just...
truth in the most general sense, you don't need the capitals.
Grammar -- sacrifice (in place of "sacrifying" ),
defies (in place of "defy" -- not only wil it be grammatically
correct, it enhances the consonnance between "defies" and
"physics".
Usage of "really" -- is it reallllllly necessary? Read it out
loud, and omit the "really's". You'd be surprised how much more
decisive the poem sounds.
These aside, I think it's pretty complete.... except....
What do you mean the poem also lends a "voice" to the wife of the
religious guy? If you're trying to depict the irrationality of the
Stockholm effect, or that of folie a deux, then your piece doesn't
work.
This is my opinion: Next time, leave out the
elaboration/embellishment. It's better to let your poem stand on
its own merit. And let the critics deduce the subtext on their
own.
In this case, the excessive elaboration
(voice/religious/rape/brutality) systematically destroyed my
appreciation for the poem. -shrug
