Interesting images -- It's clear that you've put in a lot of
effort in developing ideas that actually make sense (it's a growing trend for
people to anyhow-anyhow throw in images just because they are
"cool" and "profound". I laugh when I read them).
So kudos there.
However, let's go alllll the way if you want to be taken seriously.
You've achieved it with a promising subject matter -- but in terms
of structure, language and tone there's still a lot to work
on.
For instance,
till you fall and
bleed
into a bowl where they collect this sort of stuff
and then they'll leave you like a
grownup's rag dollie
somewhere in the mist of
lost time
What exactly are you referring to when you wrote, "they collect this sort of stuff"?
Be precise.
Unlike prose, where you can get away with poorly articulated ideas,
every single word in a poem has to have a point --
because there is already a very scant word allowance for a typical
poem, so every word that the reader reads goes a long way in
consolidating the image, in painting a purpose so vividly it stays
with the reader for a longer while yet.
So don't kill your work with careless phrases like that. It's just
shoddy writing.
Same goes with linebreaks. The rhythm of this poem highly
unnatural, because it is interrupted by improbable breaks. For
example, in the same stanza above, you wrote: "till you fall and/
bleed/ into a bowl..."
The caesura that was inserted after "fall and" would work much
better if you structure it something the lines of
"'till you fall
and bleed into a bowl"
as then, you would have created a sense of gripping anticipation
that mirrors the action of falling. Besides, the "all" sound of the
word "fall" already suggests a sudden dip in tone and suggestion.
Use that to your advantage.
Stringing the words "bleed into a bowl" together in the same verse
will also enhance the alliteration, and help the poem to read
better.
Here's a tip: read your poem aloud. A poem, in its
basest sense, is meant to read aloud to an audience. So even if
you're experimenting with cadences and sounds, always try to
maintain a natural flow of oral language throughout.
Gosh I'm kinda longwinded. Minor stuff, but equally important:
there are a number of copyediting issues in your poem as well. Try
to proofread your poem in the future, before you post.
Sorry if my tone appears harsh. Can't help it, I write for a living
so copyediting errors get my goat. Majorly.[/b]
