preya SG little girls to love their forever-filled wishes only come crashing down splinters piercing illusion-misted hearts sunflowers to daylight in their yearning for warmth follow a weary path in the sky day to night, night to day hope, a poison tiring their pained innocence moths to a flame searching for the bright and beautiful moon only to perish burning within their dreams... why do we hope when it only makes reality all the more painful...? ~ - ~ please comment
DeadPoet SG My comments, little girls to love their forever-filled wishes only come crashing down splinters piercing illusion-misted hearts You need to be more specific. What is forever-filled wishes? Shouldnt it be only to come crashing down? Again, crashing down where? For the third time, I am lost. What is illusion-misted hearts? However, I like the sound of splinters piercing. sunflowers to daylight in their yearning for warmth follow a weary path in the sky day to night, night to day hope, a poison tiring their pained innocence This is better than the previous strophe, at least I can visualize sunflowers, I am still terribly lost. moths to a flame searching for the bright and beautiful moon only to perish burning within their dreams... Although this is a beautiful image, but moths to a flame had been used over and over again. I think you can do better than that. Try coming up with something more original. why do we hope when it only makes reality all the more painful...? I have no answer to this question.
dsnake1 SG hi preya. not a bad effort. but rather abstract. I prefer poems with more solid images. the tone of this poem is a little bleak, but i have no objections about bleak poems. you made use of metaphors, i like the one about the moths.(DP does not!) i think it can be improved with some rewriting. let me try stanza one : little girls ensconced in a shell of faith grew up to find dreams splintering shards piercing betrayed hearts.. just my little suggestion, u may not have to agree with me. good writing comes with experience. (seen my blog on "why write poetry"?). You seem to have a good grasp of words. just keep writing.
DeadPoet SG I like the moths image what. Just that it was mentioned so often, in poems, stories, advertisements, etc, that sooner or later readers will get sick of it.
tare SG dun like "moths to flame", how abt "aedes to drain"?? oops not as a mockery hor, i just trying to be more "original".... i read the poem, stil not quite sure wat's the writer trying to say... perhaps abit too much abstracts and metaphors?
