surreal sorrow

preya SG

The teachers frown my way
exams are round the other street
and its raining in my
paradisical life

all the sorrows of the world on my shoulder
and i mope over midday meal
at the kopitiam

a boy my age looks me in my eye
slang thick and learnt from the cradle
asks me for my order with practiced
cheer

i answer in perfect english that i
suddenly feel
ashamed of

his body is wiry
not from gym
he knows kopi-o from teh tarek and
laughs with the coffeeshop uncles
about the gahmen

my order arrives in seconds
and he balances four other cups
to other tables
joking with regulars
trying (failing) to mimic with the ang mohs

but he grins and
tries

he collects my empty glass and
i chide myself for my
surreal sorrow
when he worries about the
rising price of
coffee beans

older eyes smile from a
younger face
and he has my heart which
weeps out for him

but deftly, he opens an old textbook
when business lulls, and his
same-eyed companions
leave him alone

and he chides me silently, for he
doesn't want any of my
surreal sorrow
(for what do i know?)

---

please comment!

DeadPoet SG

Welcome to DPS (S) preya. Very Happy

You may not agree with what I am going to say about this poem, but since you mentioned please comment! here goes,

The teachers frown my way
exams are round the other street
and its raining in my
paradisical life

Shouldnt it be its or it is?

all the sorrows of the world on my shoulder

Youve used an abstract term here i.e. sorrow, consider expanding this line with images.

and i mope over midday meal
at the kopitiam

I like the sound of midday meal. Very Happy

a boy my age looks me in my eye
slang thick and learnt from the cradle

Why slang thick? Sorry, but I dont really get this line.

asks me for my order with practiced
cheer

Consider dropping me."

i answer in perfect english that i
suddenly feel
ashamed of

Hmm... something is not right but I don't know what is it. Rolling Eyes
Maybe it is just me. Mr. Green

his body is wiry
not from gym

I like this. Very Happy

he knows kopi-o from teh tarek and
laughs with the coffeeshop uncles
about the gahmen

Try ending a line with a verb or a noun. In this case, consider breaking at teh tarek.

my order arrives in seconds
and he balances four other cups
to other tables
joking with regulars
trying (failing) to mimic with the ang mohs

It is unnecessary to have the word failing here, trying said it all.

but he grins and
tries

Are these two lines really necessary?

he collects my empty glass and

Cup or glass? Twisted Evil

i chide myself for my
surreal sorrow
when he worries about the
rising price of
coffee beans

Hmmhe is the boss right? I cant image a coffee boy worrying about rising price of coffee beans. Wink

older eyes smile from a
younger face
and he has my heart which
weeps out for him

but deftly, he opens an old textbook
when business lulls, and his
same-eyed companions
leave him alone

and he chides me silently, for he
doesn't want any of my
surreal sorrow
(for what do i know?)

Sorry, but if you ask me, these three strophes served no purpose. Wink

tare SG

wah wat a dissection.... Razz

as usual, DP does the technicalities..... i just speak of how i feel...

i think i noe wat preya is trying to put across... but perhaps it's too "surreal" to grasp?? the thots wasn't communicated clearly to the reader... i read liao, is like, wat u trying to say? and have to read it again....

good effort, keep trying!! Mr. Green

KittynMeow SG

yah boy... DP does his thorough dissection... kekeke...
can dissect my poems as well?? keekeke would like to know what are the thoughts leh....

for this one... thought it was a little too abstract... and it felt as though the writer is not too serious abt the topic.... heh....

doesn't matter.... writing is meant to be fun anyway! keep writing.

SingaporeMacross SG

Originally posted by DeadPoet:

[b]a boy my age looks me in my eye
slang thick and learnt from the cradle

I think 'slang thick' refers to the cheena slang, you know?

i answer in perfect english that i
suddenly feel
ashamed of

I understand this...

i chide myself for my
surreal sorrow
when he worries about the
rising price of
coffee beans

I think a coffee boy would worry.... his pay would be affected!!

older eyes smile from a
younger face
and he has my heart which
weeps out for him

Somehow, I like this.

and he chides me silently, for he
doesn't want any of my

surreal sorrow
(for what do i know?)

This one hits a chord somewhere..

[/b]

DeadPoet SG

I have not really touch on the technicalities yet. Ask Liz.

But do keep writing preya, I think you have what it takes to write great poetry. I am looking forward to read your other poems. Very Happy

DeadPoet SG

Which one? Twisted Evil

KittynMeow SG

all of them?? nah... just kidding.... any one you choose lah... kekeke

choco B SG

I like this poem very much

This especially resonates

"i answer in perfect english that i
suddenly feel
ashamed of "

Reminds me of the way I buy things in broken chinese or chinese generously peppered with english.

The author writes from a view point of a schooling teenager, about the class and perhaps income divide in Singapore in a very subtle way - Exam stress vs bread and butter issues. Body shaped through gym exercises vs exertion through labour. The different accents and languages.

The class divide is something you feel and are aware of but not often vocalised aloud.

You feel bad about it, yet you feel it's wrong to feel bad because nobody wants "condescending pity" from the privileged.

DeadPoet SG

Thanks for helping to comment choco B .

We need more views. That's what sharing is all about. Mr. Green

KittynMeow SG

Originally posted by preya:
The teachers frown my way
exams are round the other street
and its raining in my
paradisical life

found the line break in the third line rather odd... why the emphasis on "my"?? and spelling error on "its"

all the sorrows of the world on my shoulder
and i mope over midday meal
at the kopitiam

question: why is this strophe in italics?? I thought it didn't seem to warrant that....

a boy my age looks me in my eye
slang thick and learnt from the cradle
asks me for my order with practiced
cheer

i answer in perfect english that i
suddenly feel
ashamed of

Sorry if i sound mean but i thought the use of "perfect english" here is an invitation for criticism... since there were a couple of spelling and grammar errors in the piece itself...

his body is wiry
not from gym
he knows kopi-o from teh tarek and
laughs with the coffeeshop uncles
about the gahmen

my order arrives in seconds
and he balances four other cups
to other tables
joking with regulars
trying (failing) to mimic with the ang mohs

I don't see the point of "(failing)" here... could do without it....

but he grins and
tries

he collects my empty glass and
i chide myself for my
surreal sorrow
when he worries about the
rising price of
coffee beans

older eyes smile from a
younger face
and he has my heart which
weeps out for him

but deftly, he opens an old textbook
when business lulls, and his
same-eyed companions
leave him alone

and he chides me silently, for he
doesn't want any of my
surreal sorrow
(for what do i know?)

---

please comment![/b]

overall thought the line breaks end on an odd word/note... and I thought the last three strophes seems like an attempt to justify the piece with some moralistic statements... but it doesn't really work for me cos it sounds a bit preachy...and i can't help feeling that some statements are more exaggerations than believable... e.g. "heart which weeps out for him"

If i were to see a coffee boy in a similar situation, i will sympathise with him and show empathy... but not exactly to the extent of weeping for him... and note the odd expression of "weeps out for him"... thought it should be "weeps for him"?

Anyway... hope these comments aren't too harsh and don't mind me.... I'm not good at writing poems either... still learning....

just keep writing and practicing!! Mr. Green