July Poetry Exercise

LazerLordz SG

Ooh thanks mate. Laughing

tare SG

Originally posted by dsnake1:
Here's my little poem for July exercise. Came back from work one night and was inspired to write this. No eeeees
------------------------------------

==========
= [b]Dark =
==========

at my corridor
door 2 a.m.
thought i saw things
unholy

a shadow
gliding
at a lift landing

as a dog howls,
distant
its cry primordial, pining

is it

a malignant spirit
that Kallang lady
watching?

rabid hounds bark again
now a cat joins in
night sounds cutting
through
humid
air,
painful
tinny.

as i walk into a warm room
to a hot bath
to wash away
night's dark...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
08.07.05[/b]

frankly the poem
is quite nice, but
i am
a little
disturbed by
the
line
breaks...

is this
really
necessary?
enlighten
me pls Mr. Green

the last stenza hmmm... i dun get it.... wat r u trying to say?

DeadPoet SG

Cute little piece. Very Happy

dsnake1 SG

Hi tare
i am experimenting with line breaks in an open poetry form. I think it is quite necessary.

"night sounds cutting
through
humid
air,
painful
tinny. "

what u see here is all the lines left-justified. If i displayed it as a web page, or a word document uwill see a lot of white space. this gives an illusion of space and time., something like..

night sounds cutting
------------------through
------------------------humid
--------------------------air,
--------------------painful,
----------------tinny.

imagine the --- are white space. we are supposed to pause slightly when encountering white space while reading a poem. this gives an illusion of time, it takes u longer to read the lines. Mr. Green

No understand the last stanza? It must be bad, huh? What i was trying to convey was, it was creepy in the corridor outside. Thus i was glad to be in a "warm room", took a bath to cleanse whatever evil that i may have encountered.
I guess it would be better if not constricted by non-usage of "e".

DeadPoet SG

Supposed to be like this,

at my corridor
......... door 2 a.m.
............. thought i saw things
..................... unholy

a shadow
....... gliding
........... at a lift landing

as a dog howls,
..... distant
......... its cry primordial, pining

is it

a malignant spirit
....... that Kallang lady
.............. watching?

rabid hounds bark again
... now a cat joins in
night sounds cutting
through
....... humid
........... air,
........... painful
........... tinny.

as i walk into a warm room
to a hot bath
to wash away
night's dark...

tare SG

well i noe u experiencing with line breaks .. but when read, sounds abit the "mian qiang", like having line breaks for the sake of it.... DP any comments? Razz

hmmm..... the contrast between creepy in the corridor and warm bath is nice.. but can a shower wash away those "stuffs"?? Laughing

DeadPoet SG

Hey dsnake1 try writing this without the constraint.

You have a potential gem here. Mr. Green

DeadPoet SG

That is because he is into e.e. cummings. Mr. Green

DeadPoet SG

dsnake1,

you can also check out this blog. You may like his poems. Very Happy

dsnake1 SG

u also know ah? Mr. Green

The man who was death SG

I once read a erotic poem from e.e. cummings, I have to say that that poem really fits his name Mr. Green

dsnake1 SG

i can try and post it again . Mr. Green

dsnake1 SG

izit? can post here?

The man who was death SG

Forget liao and i dun rem the title just that it really fits his name

DeadPoet SG

I think I have read it before too. Can't remember the title. Wink

dsnake1 SG

symbolic only mah. but that night was really creepy, maybe too much reading on that murder case.. Mr. Green

dsnake1 SG

thanks, DP Very Happy

tare SG

issit tis one? Mr. Green

i like my body when it is with your

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

DeadPoet SG

No problem. Mr. Green

The man who was death SG

Originally posted by tare:

issit tis one?

[b]i like my body when it is with your

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new[/b]

Nah not this one it's about a girl telling cummings to go slow cos cummings gonna you know what Mr. Green

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