first try

Rockhound SG

never did try but just decided to...i know it sounds dumb and may not even make sense....but i wonder wat u pros out there think

Cataract
Peering out
I see white
Clear, bright, white
Paralyzing my senses
Mesmerised by the painless cancer
I look deep within
And all I see is a little boy
quivering
shivering
hyperventilating
with a muted scream he tries
tries to escape from the ties
ties which keep him by
by the rusted pole
which is found deep within my soul
letting him out i try
but i even cry
unappreciated he must feel
for nobody cares about him still....
all he wants is her
her soul...her love...her smile
her time.....

tare SG

Originally posted by Rockhound:
never did try but just decided to...i know it sounds dumb and may not even make sense....but i wonder wat u pros out there think

[b]Cataract
Peering out
I see white
Clear, bright, white
Paralyzing my senses
Mesmerised by the painless cancer
I look deep within
And all I see is a little boy
quivering
shivering
hyperventilating
with a muted scream he tries
tries to escape from the ties
ties which keep him by
by the rusted pole
which is found deep within my soul
letting him out i try
but i even cry
unappreciated he must feel
for nobody cares about him still....
all he wants is her
her soul...her love...her smile
her time.....[/b]

okie i'm no pros.... and i'll TRY to comment .. not the technicality, tat's DP's forte.... just how i feel ya?

i ... err.... dun really understand ur poem... at 1st i thot it's a little boy suffering frm cancer... trapped w/in his frail body.... but err.... abit of "out of body" touch? and .... how come end up with wanting a woman's love?! mother's? lover's?? i blur liao.... sorry.... Razz

hmm.... another thing... why u end and start with the same word for part of it? sounds like u r repeating urself or something Question but hor, just keep trying ya? no one is a born poet.... well not here anyway Mr. Green

Rockhound SG

well…kinda picked writing and poetry recently while in camp….nothing to do u see…so i guess poetry is kinda(actually very new to me)...so juz experiment here and there…writing my thoughts…

tare SG

u just enlisted? heheee.... well it's a better alternative than picking up another "language" Laughing

keep it flowing.... keep reading and practicing... Very Happy

Rockhound SG

as for the other 'language' part...that onli happens during training...but sometimes i get some private time...so juz scribble....

dsnake1 SG

Hi Rockhound
For a first poem, it's pretty good. U are trying to write as open-form poetry, where u don't restrict the lines to any length or shape. But don't forget the traditional forms like ballads, or haikus.
Ur poem expresses the pain and anguish U feel. Let me guess, u like this girl but ppl close to u, (ur family?) are dead set against it? Guessing only.

"tries to escape from the ties
ties which keep him by
by the rusted pole
which is found deep within my soul"

I think U have a natural flair for writing. Experiment, dun give it up. Very Happy

DeadPoet SG

Hello Rockhound

Not too bad for your first poem. Try using more images in your writing, I only see two images here, little boy and rusted pole. The rest are all abstractions and clichés which may mean a lot to the writer but not much to the readers.

The way you break the lines appear to me you are trying to write a free verse. However, to successfully pull it off, you need to employ poetic devices like such as assonance, alliteration, etc.

Not sure why you are using so many ellipsis for your last four lines.

You do not have a regular rhyme scheme here. This can be a source of frustration for the readers.

Keep writing and reading. Good luck. Very Happy

Rockhound SG

i was wondering?...is writing free verse a kindoff bad thing?...cos i've onli seen ppl writing poems in little nifty 'paragraphs'(dunno wat u call em....stanzas?...lines?)....or is it kinda up to the writer hm/herself?

Rockhound SG

A haiku tryout\

Darkness goes the sky
Eyes tired shutting for now,
Mind drifting again

LazerLordz SG

Hey,I was like that too Very Happy Writing poetry in camp, on my OA account..sent it to some friends too.

KittynMeow SG

It's not a bad thing... and it's pretty much up to the writer to choose the form he/she wants to write in...

but there are certain language elements that you may want to consider reading up abt to make your poem a really good one.

Frankly for me, the ending to the poem was a bit of a disappointment. The front portion sets me up for someone feeling trapped by circumstances much bigger than himself... hence the small boy chained to a pole...

but a gal's affections?? that's a let-down... sorry.. I'm just being quite a skeptic. and the repeating words in the last few lines don't work for me...

keep trying out new stuff... and keep writing Wink

choco B SG

Rockhound:

I quite like your poem. It's supposed to be painful and it reads painful, so that's 1 task accomplished by my standards. Laughing

I interpret your poem as: a boy, now a man, yearning for his mother's love. It's as if this child grew up with a lack of parenal love. And though now mature he seems to have gotten over it, the pain, attachment and yearning still haunts and cripples him.

Rockhound SG

and the winner is....choco B!!!!!!

i need lotsa practice uh....that i think everyone will agree

tare SG

ooh tat's wat u trying to say? oops... hehehee.... keep on practicing ya? Mr. Green

DeadPoet SG

Keep writing/reading my friend. Very Happy