Okay, let me see
Void Deck Day
The sun bears witness
To the strolling cats
And yelling children
Who kick their feet
Screaming like a lady robbed
And refusing to board the bus.
Drop the word And at L6. I like the contrast between the
strolling cats and yelling children. Nice image, however,
Screaming is redundant since you have already mentioned yelling
at L3, try using other images.
The plump Ah Soh waddles
Around the void deck
Leaving an invisible trail
Denoting irritation
Towards the patient Sun
And his brother Humidity.
I am not too sure what you are trying to say here. For example why
is the Ah Soh waddling alone around the void deck? Where is she
going? Etc.
Chattering away like leaves stirred,
The three kids of 4th Floor
Slump head-first on the stone table;
Hands dealing out magic
Lightning Blast!
and their nimble fingers
surpass even the noodle seller.
Should it be from instead of of at L14? Why do you need to
capitalize Floor? Chattering away like leaves stirred I am
afraid this line doesnt work for me. However, I really like L16 -
19 Hands dealing
the noodle seller. Well done.
One cat stretches and yawns
The postman is here.
Ah Soh has returned.
The sun turns white
And the smell of fried fish
Waketh the little kitty.
In my opinion, your weakest strophe in this poem saved only by the
last two lines which I really like. By the way why the th in the
word Wake? just curious.
The sounds of basketball
Bounces off the whitewashed walls
And distracts the studying girl
Who looks up
And swoons at her man,
But the Os are a jealous rival.
I have mixed feelings with this one. I like the sound of
whitewashed walls but dislike the phrase studying girl. Hmm
maybe drop And at L30 and the whole of L33.
The sun sets in a blaze
And the rays light up
Even the dark corners
Of letterboxes and lift landings.
A cat stands and stretches
Her day has just begun.
I think it is very creative of you to use this line Her day has
just begun to end the poem. Nice touch.
Thanks for the read LazerLordz. 
