Psychology Humor

DeadPoet SG

Some of the jokes here may not seem funny to you if you are not a Psychology student. I will try to post jokes that everyone can enjoy in the future.

On Classical Conditioning

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.

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What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say?

Please knock. DON'T ring the bell.

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Stress Managment: A Visualization

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

DeadPoet SG

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

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A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
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Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?" Rolling Eyes

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

DeadPoet SG

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist.";

"A behaviorist?"; the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

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Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

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A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

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A person walked into a New York bookstore and asked the salesperson for a book that was made into a musical, which is still running.

"Do you have Less Miserable?"

The salesperson replied, "Look in the psychology section."

DeadPoet SG

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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If I offended anyone with this joke, I am sorry.

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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This guy lives near a mental hospital. Everyday on his way to the bus stop, he has to pass along the tall walls of the hospital.

One morning, on his way to work, he heard the psychos behind the wall chanting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!" The guy thought to himself, "Crazy nuts!"

Later that afternoon on the way home, he again passed the sanitarium. And again he heard the loonies counting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!" Now thoroughly intrigued, he went around the tall walls to look for somewhere he could peek in. He found a big boulder just beside the fence and he climbed it. And he stuck his head over the wall and looked down...

BAM!!

A loony waiting just behind the other side of the wall hit him with a big baseball bat. Down he went from the boulder and fell to the ground unconscious. And the nuts resumed their chanting, "Eight! Eight! Eight!"

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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

DeadPoet SG

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied. Rolling Eyes

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A clinical hypnotherapist induced a trance to a large group of volunteers and ordered them to do whatever he said immediately upon command. Unfortunately, he tripped over his own couch and yelled

'SHIT!!!' Shocked

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

DeadPoet SG

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already. Mr. Green

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A woman who was depressed went on a vacation and sent a postcard to her psychiatrist:

"Having a great time -- Why?" Confused

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A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party. His hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor", she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask them, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

DeadPoet SG

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..." Wink

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A child psychologist was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers.

He gave each child a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"

The children began to say, "cherry/red, then lemon/yellow, lime/green, orange/orange, etc."

Finally, he gave them all honey-flavor Lifesavers. The children sucked on them for a while, but they couldn't decipher the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:

"Everybody, spit it out, they're assholes!" Shocked

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Not really Psychology but I find this really funny.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

Hmm... What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

dsnake1 SG

Not really Psychology but I find this really funny.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

Hmm... What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

hehehe!!! Laughing tempted to steal some for my web pages.

dsnake1 SG

DRAW A PIG

came across this site where u draw a pig, submit it and it will tell u something about your personality.

(personality test is also psychology, right?)

have a go. (maybe some of u already came across it) Twisted Evil

http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/index.asp

DeadPoet SG

Originally posted by dsnake1:
[b]DRAW A PIG

came across this site where u draw a pig, submit it and it will tell u something about your personality.

(personality test is also psychology, right?)

have a go. (maybe some of u already came across it) Twisted Evil

http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/index.asp[/b]

I rather eat a pig. Roasted one would be nice. Twisted Evil

dsnake1 SG

Sio bak, char siew, bak kwa, ter ka,
wow, it got me hungry again.
I have also read your "A Plate of Char Siew Rice", is it also a psychology test disguised as a poem? Twisted Evil

En' SG

Laughing

Mr. Green

DeadPoet SG

Actually it is suppose to be a religious poem in disguise. Laughing

DeadPoet SG

Hello En', long time no see. Very Happy