History of my muse and I
1.
I remember the cold air
on your face
as you looked out
and watched the raindrops
fall like gems on a velvet cloth.
I sat with you
but you cried.
Sorry my friend but I dont really get the cold air on your face
image. I think looked out and is unnecessary, i.e.
on your face
as you watched the raindrops
I like gems on a velvet cloth. Although it is a bit cliché but I
am comfortable with it. I dont understand the last two lines. Why
did she cry, because you sat with her?
My fingers in your moist palm
entwined like fireflies.
You held on tight
but I felt no pain
and I was content
just being here.
I really like this strophe, but fingers with fireflies?
Hmm...
The sky was grey
when we walked down
and bought us some ice-cream
but you smiled a little
and I was glad.
I keep having this funny image of the sky buying ice-cream for the
two of you whenever I read this. Maybe instead of us change it to
ourselves?
We cradled the tub of vanilla,
you licked and I looked
and the setting sun
gleamed in your eyes
whom I worshipped.
But I still saw a
solitary
tear.
Sorry my friend, I dont get this either. It sounds really
unnatural?
Somehow I woke
with the phone in my hand
and your soft voice
in my ear.
I turned in a sea
of grey masques
and you had a plaid.
Cute.
L5, should it be into?
Many afternoons
I would stare at the clock
2 meters above me
as you silently pored
over the politics of
Siam and her Kings.
Then we would go
and get more
ice-cream.
Interesting strophe.
2.
Somehow, we never
got out of your clouds
till the day
you huddled against me
with the silent Boeings
as witnesses to you.
and I cradled you
in muted silence
Consider dropping to you and muted.
We soared beyond
the muted sky
upon wings made of wax
and I fell like Icarus
why didn't you catch me
why did you let me slide?
My angel flew
and I slumped.
Personally this is the weakest strophe in the poem.
I heard the bad news
surrounded by fish;
and one bus stand
out there in the South
still bears my scar
of immovable faith and love.
And I saw the clouds
looming.
Should it be fishes and bus-stand? How is this strophe related
with the previous one? Where is the connection? What was the bad
news?
But I do like
And I saw the clouds
looming.
The thunderstorm's party
wrecked me clean
like a scouring brush
leaving me with
one-thirds of a coconut's
hairy husk
and no juice.
Interesting image, but I just don't see how it contributes to the
poem.
I sallied forth to my crusade
but the walls of your heart
repulsed me a la Saladin
at Al Quds.
But inside
you were pure of soul.
Consider dropping the last two lines.
I came out of my tunnel
one dandy day
and I saw you.
No more wings.
But I think I could
make us a pair
to fly above those
grey clouds above the
old school
where
we used to
dream.
The main problem I have with this poem is that I dont see any
connections between the different strophes. Personally after the
fourth strophe, I find myself struggling to keep it together. Maybe
it is just me, but I think you are trying to do too many things at
the same time. 
