You have too many I here in the first two strophes. Try to
rephrase the lines. The word thee in the second strophe stands
out like a sore thumb. I know you are trying to rhyme it with see,
but it just doesnt fit into the poem.
Actually it is not necessary for poems to rhyme especially in
contemporary poems. If you want to write poems that rhyme,
generally you need to take meter into consideration which is not an
easy task. Try writing a poem without rhyming. After you are more
experience then you can start looking at rhyming and meter.
Punctuations, though not necessary, are strongly encouraged. Poems
are meant to be read aloud. Correct usage of line breaks and
punctuations will determine the pace and the tone of the
poems.
If you post this poem in a general posting forum (Even in US/UK
poetry forums) it will be well received, however, it will not stand
a chance in a critical workshop forum. It all depends on what you
want. To be frank, I have seen poems worse than this.
Vaguely, I think I know what the poem is about. But I need concrete
images to leave an impression on me. Overall it is a good
attempt.
Hey, if you are serious in improving your poems, feel free to pm
me. I am also learning how to write better. Lets learn from each
other, there goes for all the other poets too. 