Originally posted by DeadPoet:
Okay, let me give it a try. 
[b]And when you're old and infirm
Okay the you here is currently still young and strong.
and the white cars speed by
in a hail of muddy waters
Something is not right here but I cant pinpoint it. By the way why
white cars? 
that coat you and stick
to you
What about taking out the first you and change it to one line
instead of two. i.e. that coat and stick to you? Just a
suggestion.
like the sins of children before
Not sure about this line. What do you mean by like the sins of
children before?
and scholars who work
on empty skulls
because someone has taken out
their programming.
Oh boy I was having so much fun with these few lines especially L7
& L8. I kept seeing a row of scholars sitting on empty
skulls. I am aware that you are trying to create a similar
expression as John works on an empty stomach, but that comical
image kept flashing across my mind. 
I weep for you
weeping for the men on
the stone benches
snoring away their lives
a quilt of life fading
into the sunset.
Just my view, but I think On the stone beaches sound better to
me, i.e. line breaks at men. I like the image of men (young or
old?) having their afternoon nap on stone benches, but not too sure
about a quilt of life fading into the sunset.
And no one seems to care
whether you live or die.
Inside the darkness..
there is no such thing as
poverty.
Can you find a replacement for darkness?
So stare hard and long
gather you wits of yore
announce your plight
to all and sundry.
Not sure about these few lines. What exactly are you trying to
convey here?
The newsprint your sword
and torn mats your shield
Another excellent image here, not too sure about The newsprint
your sword (are you referring to the phrase the pen is mightier
than the sword?) but I love and torn mats your shield. The image
of someone using a torn mat as a shield may seems comical at first,
but in reality, it is portraying a desperate situation. In my
opinion, excellent touch here.
against
imperial aggravation
that seeks to wash
you and I
out of the picture
for good.
I am not too sure about the verb wash here. How do you wash
someone out of the picture? Hmm
any suggestion, how about
erase?
Really enjoy reading this poem. Thanks for sharing.
[/b]
Okay, well I wrote this poem after spending a day doing street
photography in Chinatown.I spent time exploring the back alleys and
seeing the life of Chinatown, Kreta Ayer, and ended my day by
seeing fast cars and rich people wine and dine along Orchard
Road.The inspiration is derived from my whole day's experience.
