Pain's Inferno

LazerLordz SG

And everytime I gaze
across this ocean which
never seems to end
such azure uncertainty
like a beggar wobbling
not sitting down,
yet his legs do not stand
but that's not what his brain
tells him.

Such is the pain
which immobilizes me
a patient stuck in a seedy ward
lying in a gurney
and infected with morosity.
My mind's rotting away
like a corpse in Calcutta's
gutter.

And where is my morphine
my salve of a wounded soul
which struggles but lacks
the temerity to break down
the walls, the monstrous walls
that circle my heart
and leaves
it dry and dead

The drug cannot keep me
ignorant, nor dumb.
My soul is a fire
which even the phoenix fears
and the Devil dare not thread
lest it burn his bedeviled hooves.
And your heart might just
burn, burn forever
if the fireman runs away.
Only if.

DeadPoet SG

Hee hee as usual, I need to KIV my comments on your poems. Mr. Green

eskyhastofall SG

hi, i am going to be blunt. i hope positive critism are welcome here. all the comments i have seen are pretty positive. so i hope i'm not spoiling something here. just thought we should help each other improve.

firstly, i do not understand y u suddenly jumped from uncertainty to pain. can you explain y? maybe you have a reason?

secondly, i think your second paragraph is pretty good and i like the part in the third paragraph about the fire in your heart.

thirdly, i think the ending should be a bit stronger. i am wondering why u put in the fireman thing. i meant, i noe it means to extinguish the fire. but i suppose the rain or tears would be a better choice. but wad do you think?

please do not be offended, i am being honest here. nothing personal. and i frankly think your poem is good, though some parts baffled me.

LazerLordz SG

Heh.Thanks for the honest feedback Smile . Okay, the fireman is put there as a symbol of human action and intervention.He is supposed to be someone who has a hand in the pain and the soothing of it.

LazerLordz SG

Heh.Thanks for the honest feedback Smile . Hmm, my jumping around is on purpose.Its a literary device I used to flesh out the manic and lost mind Okay, the fireman is put there as a symbol of human action and intervention.He is supposed to be someone who has a hand in the pain and the soothing of it.

DeadPoet SG

Don't worry. It is okay to be blunt. But if you think you might offend the other party, you can always pm him/her instead. Mr. Green

Well I will be reading this poem over a nice cup of hot coffee in the next few days. Something I always look forward to. Very Happy

DeadPoet SG

From a different angle:

The author first describe a physical part of the body i.e. the legs and the brain in the first stanza line 7 and line 8. He then moves away from this physical aspect to something more abstract in the second stanza i.e. the mind, line 6. What is interesting here is that the author links his mind and not the brain to a corpse thus linking an abstract concept to something physical.

In the third stanza the author brings us to the next level, the domain of spiritual world i.e. the soul. Again he gives it a physical touch by describing it as a wounded soul. Only in the last stanza does the author breaks away from the physical aspect of the pain he is feeling, a realm where soul burns and phoenix/ Devil roam.

But to our surprise we are abruptly brought down to earth by the last two lines. (Ouch!) The introduction of the character fireman seems very out of place. Who is this fireman? I believe he is the authors conscious determination whose main function is to to suppress the pain. We are brought back to reality, back where we first started in the opening stanza. The journey is now complete (Though a bit rush I must say) Mr. Green

There is also the risk that our friend may not be able to suppress this feeling forever. Fortunately he has a choice. Whether he chooses to contain or to be consumed by the flame is entirely up to him. Very Happy