Rob Sheffield's Guide to
Rock-Show Etiquette
1. Don't say concert
Say SHOW. It's shorter and saves valuable drinking time.
2. You're either in the pit or you're out
And if you're out, either get in or quit pushing and shoving. If we
wanted to be pressed up to a stranger's hairy sweaty body, we'd
return your mom's call. 
3. Less talk, more rock.
When the spirit moves you, yell "DUDE, THEY ROCK!" or "THEY ROCK
DUDE!" But if you really feel like sharing, take your chitchat out
to the bar. The bartender gets paid to listen to you whine - we
don't. Besides, the guitarist's girlfriend will kick your ass, I've
seen it happen.
4. Slap the guy who yells "FREE BIRD!"
Tackle him, break his left thumb, tell him the right one is next.
The ironic "Free Bird!" joke was cute in the 1980s for 15 minutes,
which isn't even long enough to play the song. You are only allowed
to yell "Free Bird" if the band is really gonna play it, in which
case, you are required to have tears in your eyes, a Pabst in your
hand, a pretty lady on your shoulders and godless communism under
your feet.
5. Don't block the rock
Tall dudes, you know who you are. Why don't you hang in the back
where the tall dudes go, instead of pushing up front to block the
view like Rerun chasing the ice-cream truck? I'm six-five so I just
lean against the wall. Honor tall-rock-dude ode - or know that the
rest of us are watching you and thinking: "&%$*.. what a
&*@$*" I hate to imagine what short girls behind you are
thinking, but it's safe to say that they're not planning to blow
you.
6. Earplugs are your friends
The band is wearing earplugs. So are the roadies, the promoters,
the burger ladies, the dealers. The band assumes you have earplugs
too - that's why it cranks up the treble so high. So buy them at
the drugstore, wad up TP from the bathroom, save cotton from the
aspirin bottles. It takes only one bad amp to turn your ears to
oatmeal. That's how old hippies become Yanni fans.
7. Don't bring the camera
People who wave digital cameras at shows are the same people who
sit in front of you at the hockey games and wear the giant
foam-rubber fingers that say WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
8. Don't worry, they'll play it
How sweet - you're shouting out requests. Look, are you really
scared Ricky Martin won't sing "Livin' La Vida Loca" tonight?
Wondering whether Limp Bizkit feel like doing "Nookie"? It's the
HIT! They're saving it for last! Most bands are aware nobody gives
a giraffe's nads about their other ten songs. Shouting for the hit
just makes us feel sorry for them. BTW, Ricky Martin always used to
do "Livin' La Vida Loca" first, sparing everyone the trouble of
screaming for it! Thanks Ricky!
9. Woooooooo!!
Noooooooo!!!
10. Dance on the table
If you are near a table, and if you happen to be an extremely drunk
girl, you must do this at least once. When you are an old lady
dribbling into paper bags, you'll be glad you spazzed out when you
had the chance. If this girl accidentally kicks you in the face,
consider it an honour.
11. Annoy the security guard
It is your right, and your responsibility, to tell Tiny why he
should let you backstage. "Come on, let me in, I'm totally friends
with the drummer!" "Come on, don't make me text the manager!"
Remember, Tiny hates music. You're the only entertainment he's
got.
12. Don't bring Courtney
Life is difficult enough
