Dominique Rowe
counts the ways we failed to lose weight.
Some time in the last century,
“thin” ceased to be the realm of the mealy-mouthed peasant, and
became a sign of well-bred restraint. Early 20th century diet
supplements included strong laxatives, purgatives, arsenic and
strychnine.
In the 21st century, weight loss is still a hot topic.
Self-help sections are hives of neurotic activity, as
read-yourself-thins thumb through tomes of contradictory dietary
advice: High protein; low carb; low fat; low calorie; high calcium;
high fiber; time of meals; vegetarian; all meat; raw food; the list
goes on. To remind us just how silly miracle diets are, we
celebrate the consistently ridiculous diet advice from around the
world and through the last two decades.
Atkins
(first published 1972; popular in the late ’80s)
Hmm. You smell of ... what is that? Pickled cabbage? Achieve
metabolic advantage with this four-phase high-protein diet that
eliminates an essential food group. Too good to be true, gourmets
and gourmands alike are free to scoff burgers and steaks to their
greasy little hearts’ content; secondly, weight-loss is fast and
dramatic. You may not know it, but the Atkins diet, also known as
the Atkins Nutritional Approach, is a famous low-carb diet created
by Dr. Robert Atkins. It is inspired by a diet he read in the
Journal of the American Medical Association, which he
utilized to resolve his own overweight condition after medical
school and graduate medical training. He later popularized the
Atkins diet in a series of books, starting with Dr. Atkins’
Diet Revolution in 1972.
Strange fact: Chronically low in fruit and
vegetables, Atkinsers’ harried livers eventually go into a state
known as ketosis, and develop Atkinsmell—the same scent emitted by
Diabetics in “red alert” stage. How attractive.
Pros: Drop a size a week for the first
month.
Cons: Too many to list. Medics blame the dramatic
weight-loss on fluid leaving the body. Other cons include rancid,
free radical emitting fat molecules in the bloodstream;
constipation; poop-breath; stress on kidneys and bones, and that
weird nail polish smell following you around.
Cambridge Food for Life
(late ’80s)
The Cambridge Diet was the ultimate “miracle cure,” peddled by
slick all-round figure-fixer Mark Feather, and his wife and muse,
Elain. Its basic premise is that our bodies are unable to properly
digest certain food combinations. The solution? To minimize fat
absorption by only eating one food group per meal. Never mix the
veggies and carbs.
Strange fact: Other Feather inventions included
the Mark II Bust enhancing device, with an ad featuring the line,
“The very first time I used Mark II I saw my bust line become
rounder and fuller and actually grow three full inches right before
my eyes!”
Pros: Uh ... hope?
Cons: Labeled outdated and unhealthy by diet
pundits. You can end up with vitamin deficiencies.
Herbalife (late
’80s)
Based on a rainbow of shakes, “cell-activator” pills, and
multivitamins, Herbalife was founded in the mid ’80s by then 24
year-old Mark Hughes. The company mushroomed throughout the ‘90s,
thanks to get-rich-quick pyramid schemes. By 2003, they had over
one million distributors in 59 countries.
Strange fact: By the age of 44, founder Mark
Hughes had died of alcohol and antidepressant overdose.
Pros: Eat what you want for dinner.
Cons: Watch your bank account shrink with your
waistline—until you resort to selling your products. Then watch
your friendship circle shrink too.
Beverly Hills
(1994)
Completely contradicting the Cambridge Diet, the authors state: “It
isn’t what you eat or how much you eat that makes you fat, it is
when you eat and what you eat together.” So for 10 days, eat only
fruit—and nothing else, windy pants. From days 11-19, mix in a few
carbs. After day 20, protein is allowed.
Strange fact: Functional food combinations like
papaya help to break fat down while watermelon helps to flush fat
out of you.
Pros: Rapid initial weight loss.
Cons: Prepare to feel ... weak ... and … remember
… extremely rapid weight loss could be hazardous to your
health.
The Zone
(1996)
The basic principle of this best seller is your daily caloric
intake is 40 percent carbohydrate, 30 percent protein, and 30
percent fat, and it’s all in the timing. Breakfast within an hour
of waking up, lunch within five, snack in two, dinner within five,
and late night snacks before bed.
Strange fact: Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock
are high-profile Zone losers.
Pros: Accelerates fat loss.
Cons: The carbohydrate intake is insufficient for
athletes, while hip diners may find it hard to stick to in
restaurants. Get ready to eat composite side order meals. And
anyway, isn’t it a bit of a hassle?
The Caveman Diet
(1999)
Neanderthin: A Caveman’s Guide to Nutrition—Texan author
Ray Audette believes that we are only designed to eat food that has
undergone no “technological intervention.” Indeed, when his son was
teething, he was fed pork-rinds instead of rusks. He says, “If you
don’t eat fat, your hunger never goes away. So eat more fat and
lose it.”
Strange fact: “The ... difference between me and
the rest of these books is that of all these authors, I’m the only
one that’s not a millionaire,” says Rau Audette.
Pros: Eat as much dead flesh and squirrel food as
you like.
Cons: Watch your arteries clog you out of
existence.
The South Beach Diet
(published 2003)
Miami cardiologist, Arthur Agatston founded this diet in 1994. It
is based on his dietary recommendations for people suffering from
diabetes and heart disease. When he noticed a fortunate side effect
was long-term weight-loss, he became a very rich man. The current
Hollywood favorite focuses on underlying scientific principles. It
works by weaning a fast-food nation off bad carbs and onto
wholegrain carbs. Meanwhile, increased fiber in the diet reduces
fat, improves blood-health and cholesterol.
Strange fact: Florida’s citrus industry is
currently battling against the diet’s restriction of orange
juice.
Pros: It’s not like you can’t eat, you just have
to eat the right things.
Cons: The increased fiber can play merry hell with
your digestion system and there could be many a long moment in the
toilet.
G.I. Diet
(2006)
The G.I. Diet was developed by Dr. David J. Jenkins, a professor of
nutrition at the University of Toronto. A relatively recent kid on
the diet block works by restricting you to certain foods based on
the ratings these foods have on a Glycemic Index (hence its name).
It measures carbs by the instantaneous effects these foods have on
your blood glucose level, so you burn those calories and maintain a
healthier lifestyle.
Strange fact: The G.I. diet was turned into a
successful line of diet books by author and former president of the
Heart and Stroke Foundation of Ontario, Rick Gallop. According to
the publishing company, Virgin Books, The G.I. Diet has
since sold over two million copies.
Pros: In a G.I. diet, the food is typically hearty
and filling, so you won’t starve. It is also a great and logical
compromise between having a healthy diet (with less fat and sugar)
and the Atkins diet (which has a “no carbs” rule). It does not
limit dieters to, nor exclude them from, any particular food
group—which means fewer limitations, and no deprivation of any
essential vitamins or proteins.
Cons: Seemingly none (gasp!). The G.I. diet is
really a pretty sustainable diet and way of life—with delicious
chow that fills you up so you have no excuse (or room) to binge. It
also leaves one with loads of options, and can be workable in the
long run.
