Between wife and mum

Honeybunz SG

What is a man to do when his mother does not get on with his wife? Heres Father Henry Siews advice.

RON AND JUAN got married not long after they graduated from school and started working. They cannot buy their own apartment since they have not much savings; so they live with Rons parents. Juan is an accounts clerk; her job requires her to do lots of overtime. She is often home late and Ron has to do most of the household chores.

Conflict between in-laws Rons mother is unhappy with her daughter-in-law; she thinks that Juan should at least make an effort to be home early to help prepare dinner. What kind of wife is she? asks Rons mother to herself. She is home only when dinner is ready.

Juan loves to dress up in body hugging clothing and she puts on heavy makeup. Juans mother-in-law disapproves of this and even accuses her of flirting with men. When Juan prepares meals on her days off, her mum-in-law is quick to criticize her cooking and will tell her in her face that she is a good-for-nothing.

Juan resents her in-laws attitude and has been complaining to Ron about it. She wants out and has been bugging him to get a place of their own.

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Ron comes from a conservative Chinese family. For most of his life, his dad had focused on making a living and had not bothered much about domestic affairs. His mum struggled to bring him up on a shoestring budget. Life was tough then but that helped to build up a close relationship between Ron and his mother. Ron hopes that his wife can also bond with his mother.

Unfortunately the two women just cannot get along. Ron tries to persuade Juan to be patient and not to keep scores with his mother since she is already advanced in age. Now that Juan has suggested moving out, he feels sad and hesitant.

However, Juan seems to have reached her limit when dealing with her unreasonable mother-in-law and is very persistent about wanting to have a place that she and Ron can call their own.

After much pestering from his wife, Ron informs his mother that he and Juan intend to start a home of their own. His mother, predictably, blows her top and accuses Ron of being unfilial and Juan of being the manipulator. From then on, she makes things even more difficult for Juan and that makes Juan even more determined to move out.

In the end, the couple reach a compromise: They will shift out, but agree to Rons mother staying with them in their new apartment once in a while.

However Rons mother always overstays her welcome. Every time she comes, she stays for a few months and keeps the same confrontational attitude towards Juan. The couple quarrel often over this issue and with increasing intensity. They stop saying loving words to each other.

Though they are both over 30, they are hesitant to have children; they are not confident of their marital relationship. Things seem to be getting out of hand and there is a possibility of their marriage ending in divorce.

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Ron loves and respects his mother; he is also deeply in love with his wife. He hopes that they can get along. He does not wish to be unfair to any party and does not want either of them to feel hurt. However, the two persons he loves most are constantly at loggerheads, they just cannot get along with one another. What must Ron do?

Maturation and autonomy Everyone goes through life in stages. At every developmental stage there are different needs and varying degrees of dependency on parents. When we are infants, we are totally dependent. Up to when we are teens, we still rely to a great extent on our parents, elders or teachers to guide and cultivate us and to provide for us. As we grow older, we gradually learn to think independently and make choices.

When we become adults, our ability to stand on our own is a sign of our maturity. A person must adjust his interactive patterns with people around him when he moves from one stage of his life to another.

When he is young, he must be obedient to his parents because he doesnt know anything. When he grows older, he learns to be self-reliant. As an adult, he makes judgements and decisions autonomously. He may discuss matters with friends or elders, but finally he must make the decisions himself, take responsibility for them and face the consequences.

Likewise, the people around him must also understand the changes that come with this growing-up process and be willing to make adjustments too. When people (especially parents) are unaware of or do not understand this process and refuse to make changes, they fail to respond to the reality of this growing person and serious problems may arise.

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In the example above, Rons mother loves Ron deeply, but she does not know how to cherish her daughter-in-law, a person her son loves. She fails to understand that she should let go of her grownup son so that he can lead a life of his own and take responsibility for it. This is especially true once he is married.

The priority for Ron of life after marriage should not be his parents; it should be his spouse and his own family. This is accordance with the Scriptures: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one (Matt 19:5).

Thus, Rons mother should learn to appreciate and love her daughter-in-law. She should also be joyful that her son places his wife before her. When she does not let go, and is jealous of her daughter-in-law and tries to fight for the attention and love of her son, she is acting in a selfish way. She only considers her own needs but neglects the needs of her son and daughter-in-law.

As for Ron, though he should be filial, he should know his priority. Since he is an adult and already married, he should not be over-reliant on his mother, and she should not attempt to manipulate him. For healthy family life, the top priority of husband and wife should always be given to building a harmonious and loving spousal relationship.

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Father Henry Siew, parish priest of St. Annes Church, is the spiritual director to Mandarin Marriage Encounter Weekend.

SingaporeMacross SG

Ah Father Henry… old boy from my school… ex legionary from my presidium also…