It’s OK When Things
Suck
July 29,
2016 by Domyo
Burk Patheos
Buddhist
practice doesn’t get you out of experiencing, and feeling the pain
of, old age, disease, death, change, loss, trauma, and things being
different than how you would like them to be. It also does not
relieve you of being a limited being who needs to work hard to
overcome harmful habits of body and mind. In short, Buddhism does
not help you avoid times when things suck. And sometimes they
really, really suck.
What
Buddhist practice gives you is the ability to stop resisting the
suckiness. This may not sound like much, but in reality it is
extremely valuable. The ability to stop resisting the suckiness can
mean the difference between utter despair and a profound, gracious
dignity in the midst of it all.
The ways
things can suck are infinite. Eventually everyone understands the
ways our lives are touched by the Big Sufferings like death,
physical pain, illness, loss and trauma. Less obvious but often
just as difficult are the sufferings like depression, anxiety,
boredom, fear, guilt and doubt. We also suffer from being trapped
in patterns we can’t seem to change, from being unable to find
harmony in our relationships, and from being unable to fulfill our
aspirations. Human life is difficult; it’s one of the basic
Buddhist teachings.
Just to get
one thing clear: when we stop resisting all this difficulty it
does not mean that we
stop trying to end the suckiness in any way we can. The effort to
help ourselves and others be free from difficulties, to make
positive changes in our lives and in the world, to support ease and
lasting happiness – these are the basic activities of a good human
life.
What does it mean
to stop resisting the suckiness? We let go of any idea that
itshouldn’t be like this. Or, alternatively,
I/he/she/they/we shouldn’t be like this.
As long as we hold on to that kind of idea it’s like our small self
is digging its heels in to stop the earth from turning, screaming,
“Noooooooo!”
No, we
think, this is not how I want to be. I should not be experiencing
anxiety/ anger/ fear/ judgment/etc. This is not the life I was
meant to be living. This isn’t fair. This isn’t right. This person
should not be obstructing me. That person should not have
misunderstood/ judged/ betrayed/ abandoned me. Evil should not
prevail in the world the way it does. Bad things should not happen
to innocent people. I am stuck in this dysfunctional relationship.
It seems like I will never be financially secure/ loved/ able
to…
As we lodge
our protest against the suckiness in obvious and subtle ways, it
takes its toll on our minds and bodies. Our efforts to make changes
become colored by a desperate imperative –
things must change, or
else! We carry around a ball of tenseness in our gut or heart where
we push against the suckiness whenever we remember it.
Finally,
what is the good of
dropping our resistance to the suckiness? Instantly our life feels
whole again; it is no longer about “me” over
here resisting the difficulty and
painover there. It is just our life, which can be
embraced with tenderness and acceptance despite all of its
shortcomings. Instantly we feel relief as we drop the intense
effort to stop things from being as they are, which in any case is
utterly fruitless. Instantly we – and others – are transformed from
beings to be scorned, judged or pitied into beings who gain great
dignity in enduring this difficult human life. Ironically, dropping
our resistance to things being as they are frees us to take much
more effective action than we could otherwise.
Once we
have a spiritual practice, we can feel very defeated by
experiencing negative thoughts, emotions and mind-states when we
encounter suckiness. It may sound silly, but many of us hope that
through spiritual work, or some other kind of practice, we will be
able to remain untouched by suckiness. This hope only adds to the
sense that things should not be like
this, because even if we manage to accept our external
circumstances we are still resisting our internal experiences and
reactions. The sooner we can include
even ourselves and our reactions in “the way things are” and drop
our resistance, the sooner we can come home to ourselves
again.