Learning to
Die
Jim Selman Huffpost
Socrates
said that we don’t really have wisdom until we learn to die.
Cornell West said the same thing in the acclaimed
documentary Examined
Life by
Astra Taylor. When I first became interested in aging and how our
culture views ‘growing older’ many years ago, I learned that,
beyond a certain age, very few people seem to be afraid of death.
Some may be afraid of dying with unfinished business, but we
eventually reach a point when the fact of our death is no longer
such a big deal. The big question is when will we face the fact
that we will die?
Dr. Judith Rich wrote a
great piece in the Huffington
Post with
the title “Knowing
I Will Die Someday, How Then Will I Live?“. No doubt, Dr. Rich has
done the work to have come face to face with the inevitability of
her own death and ‘knowing’ she will die someday is more than just
a concept for her. But for many ‘knowing’ is just a concept — not a
deeply embodied certainty. For example, in our culture we assume
that the knowledge of something will impact on our day-to-day
choices and experience of living. If this were true, no one would
smoke, everyone would be fit, and happiness would be the norm.
Unfortunately, knowledge doesn’t cause us to do anything. And most
of us are doing what we are doing in spite of what we ‘know’.
Nowhere is this more evident than in relationship to our own
mortality.
I think that ‘learning to
die’ begins by acknowledging that we’re all dying from the time we
are born. We don’t know how long we’ll have or when the big moment
will come or the circumstances of our demise. But all paths lead to
the same end point — at least on this planet.
What if you knew you were
going to die in a week? Would that affect the quality of your life,
your experience of living between now and then? It is hard to
imagine that it would not. Even in the most adverse circumstances
(such as death row in prison or in times of war), people report
that the certainty or high probability of death bring an almost
indescribable experience of aliveness — a heightened awareness of
being in the present. Some forgotten pundit once said, “Nothing so
focuses the mind as the imminent prospect of being
hanged”.
But why should it take a
crisis or life-threatening circumstances to open us to being fully
alive — to experiencing the moment and the fullness of what is
possible? I think that is what Socrates was saying: ultimately,
wisdom is about how to get the most out life. We can never do that
if we are living in the past or some imagined future. Circumstances
don’t cause our experience — being present (or not present) is when
we can experience being alive. Some people may have 10,000
experiences and others one experience 10,000 times. The difference
is whether we are living in the moment or in some story or
commentary about what life should be.
‘Living in the present’ is
also one of those maxims that is easy to understand but difficult
to master. Having the concept isn’t the same as mastery. In fact,
one of the most certain ways to ‘not be in the present’ is to think
about ‘what to do’ to be in the present. We all have the experience
of being present — as children we live in the present a lot. As
adults we often find ourselves ‘in the zone’ when we play sports,
participate in the performing arts or experience moments of
profound intimacy. Being present is, at the end of the day, a way
of being, not something we do. Being present is a state of
‘surrender’ and letting go while being open to
possibility.
Learning to surrender (not
succumb) is the essence of learning to die. It is the essence of
accepting the fact we don’t control most of what we think we
control. It is ‘letting go’ of the past and the future and allowing
ourselves to experience the serenity of just being alive. Mastery
of this state can take a lifetime or occur in an instant. It is a
transformation in our relationship with: 1) ourselves and other
people, 2) the circumstances, and 3) time.
Learning to die is really
learning to live. It is what we at The Eldering Institute® call
“Wisdom in Action™”.