How does skillful speech lead to happiness?

Metta with Mindfulness SG

Quite a good article on what is wholesome and unwholesome speech.

http://www.dharmanet.org/wisdomweek2.htm

Skillful Speech

Think how often you say to yourself, "If only I hadn't said that," or something like "When I saw the look on her face, I knew that what I said had hurt her feelings." Wrong speech causes us many problems. We lie and then get caught in it; we say something nasty about a co-worker and get him into trouble; we speak inconsiderately and offend a client or friend; we spend a whole day in meaningless chatter and get nothing clone.

These bad habits of speech are not new. The Buddha considered the practice of Skillful Speech so essential to one's personal and spiritual development that he gave it its own step on the path to happiness. Skillful Speech, the Buddha told us, has four qualities: It is always truthful. It is uplifting, not malicious or unkind. It is gentle, not crude or harsh. It is moderate, not useless or meaningless.

A person who is known for gentle and beautiful speech, the Buddha explained, will quickly be trusted and respected. Such a person enjoys a calm and peaceful state of mind and is able to interact with others lovingly. Have you noticed, for instance, that people tend to speak to us as they have heard us speak? If we are known to exaggerate or to lie, others find it easier to lie to us. If we habitually malign others, people find it easier to speak harshly of us. The converse is also true. If we are known for truthfulness, our words are more readily believed. If we have a reputation for discretion, others find it harder to spread gossip about us. If our speech is always kind and gentle, others feel embarrassed to swear or speak crudely in our presence.

It is clear that speech creates an environment that either contributes to happiness or destroys it. We know this is so because our own experience shows us that how we think and act is heavily influenced by the kind of speech that goes on around us. One of the Buddha's first nuns observed in verse:

If he resorted to noble friends,
Even a fool would become wise...

If we wish to be wise, we must not only seek out noble friends but be a noble friend to others. Doing so requires that we make a mindful effort to practice Skillful Speech. A Buddhist folk story illustrates how strongly speech can influence our behavior:

A monk in the Buddha's entourage had a habit of eating sumptuous meals with a group of people misled by the evil monk Devadatta. Tempted by the delicious food these people offered, this monk spent much time in the unwholesome company of this group. The Buddha reprimanded the monk for choosing such companions and warned him of the consequences. To convince him to change his behavior, the Buddha told the monk the story of an incident that had taken place in a former life, in which the monk had been led astray by the harsh, unwholesome speech of those around him.

In a previous birth, the Buddha said, the monk had been a great elephant belonging to a king. This elephant was known for his gentle disposition. Then a group of burglars made a habit of gathering near the elephant's stall each night to discuss their evil plans. They spoke harshly and encouraged each other to commit murder and other cruel acts. The elephant began to believe that their rough words were intended to teach him that he should behave in similar ways. As a result, the formerly noble elephant became murderous, killing anyone who tried to work with him.

The king who owned the elephant sent his minister--the aspiring Buddha to investigate what was corrupting the gentle elephant. The minister overheard the wicked speech of the burglars and saw how it affected the elephant. He advised the king to send wise sages, known for their gentle speech, to talk together near the elephant's stall every night. The good and wholesome speech soon influenced the elephant to return to his gentle ways, and he was never cruel again. (J 26)

Skillful Speech can improve your life in many ways. Just imagine never having to regret anything you say! That would release many of us from a heavy burden.

Let's look more closely at the four qualities of Skillful Speech and explore how they might help us along on the path to happiness.

Metta with Mindfulness SG

WORDS ARE NOT WEAPONS

The second aspect of Skillful Speech is avoiding malicious talk. As an old folk saying tells us, "The tongue is a boneless weapon trapped between teeth." When we speak malicious words, our tongue releases verbal daggers. Such words rob people of their good name and their credibility. Even when what we say about someone is true, if its intent is to cause the person harm, it is malicious.

The Buddha defined malicious talk as speech that destroys the friendship between two people. Here's an example: Suppose on a trip I meet one of your good friends who lives far away. I remember that several months before, you had told me an unflattering story about this fellow. I may not remember your exact words, so I add a little flavor when I repeat what you said. I even make it look like I am doing this guy a favor to let him know that you have been talking about him behind his back. Your friend responds in some heat. When I get home, I repeat his words to you, spicing them up a bit to make it a better story. Because it causes disharmony and breaks up a friendship, such speech is malicious.

Sometimes we disguise malicious speech as concern about another's behavior. Or we reveal a secret that someone has confided to us, believing that we are doing so "for his own good." For instance, telling a woman that her husband is being unfaithful because "you don't want her to be the last to know" may cause more suffering for everyone involved. When you are tempted to speak in such a way, ask yourself what you hope to gain. If your goal is to manipulate others or to earn someone's gratitude or appreciation, your speech is self-serving and malicious rather than virtuous.

Public speech can be malicious as well. Tabloid newspapers, talk radio, Internet chat rooms, and even some respectable news media seem to be making their living today using words as weapons. A fresh shot at this week's media target scores points that translate into increased viewers and advertising dollars. Malicious speech knocks someone down to raise someone else up. It tries to make the speaker look incisive, smart, or hip at another's expense.

Not all malicious speech sounds nasty. Sometimes people use words that seem gentle but have a derogatory meaning. Such disguised verbal daggers are even more dangerous than overtly malicious words because they more easily penetrate the listener's mind and heart. In modern terms, we call such speech a "backhanded compliment." We say to someone, "How clever of you to fix up your old house rather than moving to a more fashionable neighborhood," or "Your g~ray hair is so becoming. Isn't it wonderful that looking older is acceptable in our profession?" Skillful Speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy.

Metta with Mindfulness SG

SPEAK SOFTLY

The third kind of wrong speech is harsh language. Verbal abuse, profanity, sarcasm, hypocrisy, and excessively blunt or belittling criticism are all examples of harsh language.
Speech is a powerful tool that can be used for good or for ill. The Buddha compared speech to an ax:

Every person who is born is born with an ax in his mouth. A fool who uses abusive language cuts himself and others with that ax.
(Sn 657)

We probably think of an ax merely as a tool for chopping firewood. But in the Buddha's day, the ax was a tool of precision and power. It was used to cut long planks of wood and plane them perfectly smooth and to carve and chisel wood precisely. It could cut down a mighty tree. And it was a deadly weapon, a brutal means to maim or kill. Perhaps a modern parallel to the ax is the computer. Computers can be used to do many wonderful things--to communicate across oceans, make music, or direct a flight to Mars. They can also be used for destruction. Computers help wage wars by controlling missiles and other weapons.

lust as we must choose how we will use the power of an ax or a computer, we must choose how we will use our speech. Will we speak words that awaken, console, and encourage others ? Or will we cut them down, injuring ourselves in the process? Slanderous talk, cruel gossip, lies, and crude or profane jokes not only abuse others but make us look like fools who are unable to wield the ax in our mouths without bloodying ourselves.

We are also fools if we think that harsh language ever accomplishes anything positive. Though we may feel very self-satisfied when we have dressed someone down, as we say--given them a piece of our minds--we have won no genuine victory. As the Buddha said:

The fool thinks he has won a battle, when he bullies with harsh speech; but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one victorious.
(S 1.7.1[3])

It is easy to silence people by using harsh, insulting words. A smart adversary will generally withdraw from such an interchange and respond to our harsh words with icy silence. We may congratulate ourselves and think, I really showed him–he shut right up when he heard what I had to say. But our apparent victory is hollow. Our opponent may have pledged never to speak to us again or vowed to thwart us secretly sometime in the future. The ill will and bad feelings we cause will boomerang and strike us when we least anticipate it.

It's easy to think of other examples of the negative effects of harsh language. Perhaps you have a co-worker with enormous talent or technical genius, whose mouth always gets him into trouble. He bullies his associates with words that are harsh, abrasive, arrogant, and obnoxious. Despite the quality of his work, people cannot tolerate him, so his career goes nowhere.

Another particularly sad example of the destructive power of harsh speech is its effect on children. Haven't we all overheard parents telling their children, "You're a disgrace," "You can't do anything right," "You'll never amount to anything." Perhaps we remember being told such things when we were small. Verbal abuse can leave scars on the heart of a child that never completely heal. Of course, parents might sometimes have to speak sharply to a child to stop the child from doing something dangerous, like playing with matches or running into the street. But such strong speech is motivated by love and care, not by the wish to bully or belittle.

Animals also feel the effect of harsh speech. My grandnephew has a great Alaskan husky named Taurus. Taurus is fascinated by the animals on television. He even tries to bite them. Because he is so large, when Taurus is attracted to what he sees on the screen, he blocks the view of the people sitting behind him. One day a member of my grandnephew's family ordered Taurus to get out of the way. Her tone of voice was excessively hard and stern. The dog reacted by going to the basement. For a week Taurus stayed down there, refusing to come out, even to eat. He emerged only occasionally to go outside to relieve himself. Then he went right back downstairs. Finally, the family had to go and plead with him, using sweet words, in affectionate tones, before Taurus rejoined them.

The soft words of my grandnephew's family won back the companionship of their beloved pet. Kind language, as another early Buddhist saying tells us, is always appropriate and welcome:

Speak kind words, words rejoiced at and welcomed, words that bear ill will to none; always speak kindly to others.
(Sn 452 [translated by Ven. S. Dhammika])

Telling someone, "I really appreciate the work you did," "You handled that difficult situation beautifully," or "It's such a joy to see you" warms the heart of the speaker and of the person spoken to. Soft word: are honey on the tongue. Speaking our praise and appreciation increase: the happiness of everyone involved. They help us make and keep friends, for everyone wants to associate with people whose soft and gentle speech makes them feel relaxed, comfortable, and safe. Soft words help children flourish and grow up with a positive feeling of self-worth. Such words can also help people learn and appreciate the Buddha's message. There is no limit to the amount of joy we can spread to those around us if we speak with kindness and skill.

A word of caution: Soft words must also be sincere and motivated by a noble purpose. Speaking gently and kindly while thinking or doing the opposite is hypocrisy, not virtue. We have all heard religious leaders who use soft words to spread fear or manipulate people into sending money to their organization. I remember a man in Sri Lanka who toured the country speaking against the evils of alcohol. This man rose to fame, power, and popularity, drawing large crowds due to the power of his oration. He galvanized the campaign to close the bars, shut down the breweries, and end the sale of liquor. One hot summer day, during one of his powerful speeches, the man carelessly whipped off his jacket. A small bottle of alcohol fell from an inside pocket and hit the floor of the stage. That was the end of the prohibition campaign, and of this man's public career. Even though what the man was saying about the poison of alcohol was true, once people saw the poison of this man's hypocrisy, they could no longer buy his message.

To be continued in the above link...