The precautions girls take in Bangladesh
Buddhistdoor International Sanam Amin 2013-03-06
Here are the precautions parents must take
for us when we turn out to be girls, and some that must take for
ourselves as adults, as well as other kinds of preventive measures
other people take to protect us from violence and
hurt.
This might not be true of every South Asian
woman, or even every Indian woman. And it definitely is not
applicable to working class women, who must follow a different set
of precautions governing their lives, which are more based on
crowds and a heavier panopticon effect.
These are the rules I know about for the
upper to middle class women in Dhaka, Bangladesh.
As babies we are never left alone with
anyone who isn't a parent, grandparent or close blood relative.
Often we aren't even left alone with blood relatives if they are
male uncles or older cousins, not even for a walk in the garden. We
are grouped together with our siblings and cousins, so none of us
are ever alone.
Once we are beyond infancy, no male
domestic, no driver gets any room or board in the same house as us.
It doesn't matter if the servants sleep downstairs and we sleep
upstairs under the guard of our parents. They can only come in
during the day to do their work, then leave.
When we begin learning our lessons, if we
should need a tutor, our parents look for female teachers who can
come to our homes. Never a male teacher. Sometimes, in Muslim
households, an Imam might be allowed to come teach Arabic. But
that's if his wife isn't available to teach young children. If he
is allowed, he must do so at a time when everyone is at home, and
give his lessons in full view of the household. There must never be
a closed door or drawn curtains.
As toddlers and young girls, some heads are
kept shaven and not allowed to grow out their hair too long, in
case it is suggestive.
But some parents like growing their
daughters' hair out and prettying them, fastening sparkling clips
and ribbons. They might compromise between this desire and the need
to protect us by make sure our hair is carefully tied back or
braided when we go out or are in the company of strangers. And some
of our parents introduce the headscarf early.
All too soon, because we have only just
learned to express how comfortable it is to run about in thin tops
and shorts, we are taught to cover up more, and show modesty. We
might rage and complain about the heat, cry at scratchy materials,
carelessly throw aside extra layers. But no matter what we do, our
family will be vigilant in putting our clothes back in place,
soothing or cajoling us into tolerating the full-length leggings or
long-sleeved dresses for a little longer.
We must never, standing, sitting or lying
down, part our legs, or splay out. We are told this is how we must
control our posture because it is wrong and immodest to spread out
your legs, but when we are teenages we are given indications that
actually, we should avoid these suggestive positions so that we do
not ever tempt anyone to go between those legs.
Many of us are allowed to be friendly with
our male cousins but can never spend time alone with them. Some of
us are detached from them too early to understand why we can't play
together anymore.
Some of our parents try and keep us away
from make up for as long as possible, frightened at the images of
sex workers as young as their very own daughters (because they too
are someone's daughters) powdered and lipsticked in preparation for
customers. They fear that make up may bring on the same temptation.
Some may feel this way about sleeveless dresses, or those tiny high
heels for little girls. Whatever the item is, there will always be
some clothing or cosmetic that is forbidden or discouraged because
it will make men want to make whores out of us. That might lead us
to sneaking in purchases or applying make up and changing clothes
at trusted friends’ homes, or it might mean that we make snap
judgments about girls who do wear that sort of flashy make up and
slutty clothing. It drives a wedge somewhere.
And then there’s grooming. Different
families have different ideas of when it's appropriate to let us
start waxing our arms or legs, eyebrows or upper lip. Either
because that hairy upper lip or faint monobrow appears to them as
one of the many pieces of armour meant to guard us, or they feel
the need to hold us back from changing our appearance to please
others. It might start as wanting to look pretty to show off to our
other girl friends, but our parents know that it will end up
attracting boys and men who might or might not mean well.
Similarly, some of us are discouraged from growing our nails long
or applying nail polish, because that sort of thing can wait till
we're out of school, till we're older.
When we start going to our friends' homes
and wanting to go out and have a good time, our parents start
vetting our friends' families. Who are their parents? What do they
do? Who else lives in that house? Oh, she has an older brother? Oh,
the mother is a working woman and isn't home much? Oh, it's such a
nice house, and you've been allowed to spend time on the roof
unsupervised? All of these factors tally up in our parents' minds,
and lead to the hateful No, you can't go. For many of us, a slumber
party is a thrilling childhood event that we will never experience
because our parents just can't submit to the risk of our sleeping,
vulnerable bodies in a household they cannot
control.
Cell phones are an important tool to keep
us located at all times, but some of the more well-read parents
don't want us to have phones with too many gadgets that will allow
us to trust and develop friendships with strangers they cannot
protect us from. So we grumble about the low-end phones we are
stuck with and begrudge the lucky friends who get smartphones as
gifts.
Some of us are allowed to walk in the
streets, maybe just in front of our house or in our neighborhoods
where we know everyone, but only during daylight, or only in the
company of a known adult. Sometimes, as teenagers, we can convince
our parents that the male teen friends they've met and liked are
good enough as protectors and chaperones, but not for
long.
As we become old enough to start travelling
to class, or work, or social events without an older chaperone, we
learn new parameters. Some of us are free to stay out as late as we
wish, but can only go out with the family's car and the family's
known driver. Some of us are taught to drive, so that we can get
ourselves around without ever resorting to public transport; but
some of us will never learn to drive, because our family will never
leave us alone, and it is a skill we will not need. Some of our
parents might even discourage learning because they are afraid of
people attacking us if we are found driving alone. They point out –
and they’re not wrong – that other drivers on the street as well as
traffic police will hinder rather than help a female driver. This
may mean following you, or not letting you overtake them, or trying
to initiate conversation when you’re trying to avoid running over
the motorcyclist staring into your car at your feminine hands
holding the steering wheel.
We get into strict agreements
with our parents; it could be to never, ever get into anyone else's
car, even a friend's, even for a short distance. It could be to
never take any public transport, not a rickshaw or a CNG or a bus,
no matter what happens. Or it could be not to take any public
transport beyond a certain hour - seven, eight, nine pm? It's hard
to decide when the cut off should be, to assess when is the latest
that we can be sure we won't be mugged, or kidnapped, or stabbed,
or have acid thrown on us. We must call every time our plans
change. We must outline our plans before we leave the house, so
that whatever happens, something can be arranged to find us and
protect us.
We learn to avoid the things our parents
have avoided. If we go to a crowded market, we try to go in a
group, we wear loose clothing, we cover our heads with scarves. We
spot other families or groups of women and try huddle behind or
with them when moving through a crowd, to minimise the likeliness
of being groped. But many of us will get groped
anyway.
We consider the jewellery we buy and wear
according to what will least tempt a thief, or what won't hurt us
if it is snatched off our necks, arms or ears. We think about
exercise and don't want to go to the parks at the same time as the
middle aged crowd, and yet can't consider going when it isn't
crowded in case a stranger is looking to take advantage of the
emptyness. When out in public areas we only wear the clothes and
shoes and accessories that won't trip us up or allow us to be too
easily strangled or caught.
At the workplace, we are careful in our
interactions with male colleagues and supervisors. We know we must
keep a distance, never make any physical contact even when passing
a pen. Never spend any time alone with one male colleague. As long
as you’re in a group, there cannot be any impropriety. Often, our
male colleagues become the ones who look out for us in proxy of our
family – they’ll accompany you if you need to cross a road, make
the trip for you if there’s a small errand outside of the office
zone, help sort out those prank callers with an authoritative order
in their male voices. Or even see you home if work runs late or you
don’t have your usual system of shelter in order.
If we're in a car, we can never lower the
windows. We say it's because there's too much dust, it's so humid,
the ac keeps things tolerable, and that's all true. But the raised
windows can also protect us from acid, if that were to ever
happen.
If we ever felt any desire to explore or
wander, it is dead. You can't go check out a road or an open field
just because you caught sight of it and want to explore. If you
ever wanted to take a walk to get to know an area, either the idea
is shut down immediately, or if you did it on your own and got away
with it, you are reproached for your stupidity and carelessness.
What if? What if? There are people you don't know. There is evil
out there in the world, and it is waiting to hurt you at any
moment. You must never wander off. Ever. Maybe this means you love
wanderlust novels and movies, or maybe this means you'll never
understand them and decide they're stupid. How can anyone up and go
wherever the wind takes them?
Some of us are encouraged to be
authoritative when dealing with male domestics, shopkeepers or taxi
drivers, so that we are not mistaken for weaklings. Some of us are
told to avoid any visual or verbal contact with them, and instead
learn to relay messages via a chaperone or a trusted female
emissary. Always avoid the danger of a one-to-one interaction. Stay
away from strangers, in every context. Stay safe.
The nightly lock up system
varies from household to household, but whatever it is, we learn
it, abide by it far enough to keep out thieves and murderers, and
bend it only to let ourselves have a good time whenever we can get
away with it. Those of us who have the freedom to go out late or
have a car and driver at our disposal learn to offer our umbrellas
of safety to our friends. Some of us anticipate and offer to drop
them home. Some of us juggle our plans and find out which friends
will be in the area, and who will be able to see us home. Some of
us arrange to stay the night at trusted friends' homes if we know
we'll be late, whether at a party, at work, or studying for an
important exam. Or it might just be news of violence on the
streets, a protest somewhere between where we are and home. We read
and hear and learn of too many stories of men harassing
schoolgirls, men throwing acid on women, girls raped, girls
murdered, girls who thought they would be safe out with a group of
friends but instead had their clothes torn off by a mob, girls
beaten, girls tortured. Blades chopping off hands and feet. Corpses
stuffed in toilets. Nooses hanging from ceiling
fans.
We know too many stories that give us too
many variations of the violence and depravity that await us. And
so, we are compelled to live with all of the rules, systems and
safeguards that are taught and given to us. We hide hair, heads,
arms, ankles, we look away if we catch anyone's eye, we hunch to
hide our feminine attributes. We learn to be incapable of being
alone, so that if we even accidentally end up alone at home, we
call our friends, our cousins, we go out, we even look in on the
older relatives who remain installed in our homes for their care
and for ours too. No matter how old and infirm your grandparents
are, your parents feel better knowing that someone they learned
this system of defense from is there to keep
guard.
The appearance of the world between
midnight and dawn is unfamiliar to us, because we must always hide
from its dark dangers. We will never understand that we have been
half alive.