Other than what I refer to as my "hippie phase" in high school,
I have had almost no spiritual pursuits in my life. This came
to an end only in the last 6 months.
I have been dedicating a momumental effort to achieving success
in the business world. Partially because of my desires to
give my son a better life and pay my massive student debts, but
also partically because "success" had become part of my ego and the
context I knew / validated myself through.
Around six months ago an amazing girl came to rent a room with
me. She is unlike anyone I've ever known. She
exemplifies all the virtues most caring and compassionate people
aspire to incorporate. Despite being in her early 20's she
has more confidence than anyone I have yet met (intimidating to
most, despite her kindness) and more wisom as well (each
conversation has given me 3 days worth of life perspective to
consider). She has been involved with and advised dozens of
humanitarian charities since she was in middle school and is
preparing to serve as a doctor in 3rd world countries upon
graduation from medical school.
Very early on she told me that she always comes into peoples
lives for a reason and in another conversation, she has told me
about her healing effect on people (people do become very calm and
peaceful).
Although she has never directly given me advice and only
discusses spiritual topics when I ask, I can't help feeling like
she has (intentionally or otherwise) taken me step by step to
completly change my outlook.
I am completly convinced she is enlightened. Only in the
last week or two have I asked her questions related to topics that
would help me begin to understand what she knows.
The amazing thing has been how quickly things have
developed. Although I had meditated when I was younger, I
could never silence the thoughts I always had streaming, but
amazingly I have been able to do that. In addition, I have
been able to remain present for most of the last 3 days straight,
even while working. Of course I need to access a memory or
consider how to prepare something, but then have been able to
return to being present. My ego (when I say this I mean
possessing anything that makes me in any way superior to another is
gone as far as I can tell... however, the seperateness between
myself and others I am still working on).
Given my recent past, this seems like a 180 degree change in my
life. A life I never want to go back to. Part of me
feels that somehow she is making all this possible, but I am trying
to take her off of the pedestal, because otherwise I don't want to
make her accomplishments unachievable.
I am at a sticking point right now, and I would love to get
feedback from those who have gone far along this road:
I have simultaneously discovered a much greater sense of self
(it is strongest as I observe my thoughts or laugh) as well as a
incredible connection to others that I experienced before. I
feel as though I can sense what is the same in all of us and use
that to connect with compassion to everyone (even had an amazing
few days with a guy at the job is very hostile and challanging to
deal with). Given the incredible feelings of love and joy I have
been having I want to continue down this road as far as it
goes. However, I have heard that those who are enlightened no
longer feel the "self" at all. So am I doing something wrong
when I am developing this greater (and different than before) sense
of self? Should I just be working to find the commonality of
humanity / life? Or is the developing sense of self just
uncovering the same essance that I am finding in everyone else and
that unites us all?
If it would be helpful for me to share more details on my
experiences or my roommate, I'd be happy to.
I greatly appreciate any insights! :)
Thank you,
