Narcissism

Weychin SG

I can see myself
On Wednesday, January 12, 2011, in General, by David
Narcissism breeds contempt, and if contempt exists then compassion cannot flourish. By eradicating your narcissistic ways you will enable yourself to learn compassion and lead a better more fulfilling life.
-Stuart Dawsons

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. The word is derived from Narcissus, a character from Greek mythology, that saw his reflection in a pool of water and was so taken by the beauty of his own image that he could not pull himself away. He stayed there until he withered and died.
As much as I hate to admit it, I am often guilty of this narcissism myself. I wonder if you may be as well.

How is it that most of us learn this behavior? Is it some sort of self-preservation that compels us to elevate the idea of self? Do we think that if do not consider ourselves extra special, than no one else will?
I think this may be part of it. I think the way our brain works, we feel that if we are not of high value, we must be of low value. But this is irrational thinking. There is no high or low value, we are just who we are. We are human beings.
Being mindful and compassionate are not things to be rated or commended. Loving kindness in it’s purest form accomplishes benevolence with proper intention. Thought and actions are no longer about me, but are intended to benefit of all living beings.
But what if you hurt me, steal from me, lie to me? Should I not defend myself or seek justice?
You see, it would be very easy to make it all about yourself in these types of situations. Because we tend to view this as personal, and all about us and our feelings. Our narcissism kicks in.
But what if we do nothing when these things occur? What if we are able to view these situations as impermanent and not something we own personally? At that point, you become an observer. With loving kindness and compassion you forgive and accept things as they are. I can see there is no suffering when I eliminate the attachment and the idea of self. It is no longer personal, no longer narcissistic.
I will share with you, that it’s only recently, that I have been able do this. But I can tell you that it has given me a much greater sense of peace than I have previously had in my life.
Please understand that this is not to be confused with apathy, as I do care very deeply. In fact, if anything, I feel I have more love and connection to others than ever before. I see they are sad, angry, scared or hurt. And I believe that offering my acceptance without judgment or ego is offering them loving compassion. I have no desire to change or control they way they are feeling.

So I now have begun to notice that when I get emotionally affected by someone else, it is because of my ego. My narcissism makes me think it is about me. My chest gets tight, my breathing becomes labored, my head begins to hurt. And then I think, “what am I doing?”. Ah, the return to mindfulness!
Slowly, my breathing relaxes and I can feel my entire body relaxing. Now I can be an observer, be present in the moment, and be compassionate. This is my practice.
I must be patient with myself, as this is still very new to me. But I know that I must start with loving myself and being gentle with my practice. Rome was not built in a day, right!

I wish you peace, mindfulness and compassion.
And may you always be well, happy and peaceful.

Budu Saranai
http://www.wellhappypeaceful.com/tag/narcissism/

Amitayus48 SG

Great practice indeed Similarly to Buddha/bodhisavattas will rather not appearing conspicuously than allowing such narcissistical personality to develop non-benevolence karmic from their way of narcissism. Likewise to some great charitable personalities were also suffering this form of narcissism past and present. What a Namo Buddha Amitabha

Loor SG

so if someone is getting bullied by another - they should not take the view of a 'narcissist' and instead try to address he overall situation?

What if the person doing the bullying keeps on doing so?

My point/question is, it's fine if you can or are trying to apply this approach, but there are often others around you that don't. Is a person able to successfuly and repeatedly apply this approach without puting themselves in a disadvantaged situation?

Weychin SG

Are you simply unhappy or angry with the person, the bully or are you held hostage by fear and feels isolated? If the first, then stand back a bit and take a breather. When composed, you may then take a position with a more positive outcome, if not for both, at least for yourself! If the second, you must break out your own isolation of fear. Most bullies hide behind a false sense of superiority, if physically, usually threatens the victim to silence. If in the internet, behind the veil of anonymity. I am sorry that I am unable to be more specific as there variability in bullying and its' victims. Often a bully as exposed as a coward, the bullying will stop. However, I prefer to empower the victim and hopefully not create another bully.

Weychin SG

“Power comes from the barrel of a gun”, I possible, I would prefer not to go that way!

Loor SG

my post was just an example.

..but to continue with that example;

According to the approach, one shouldn't focus on oneself right? That's fine, so u try and do what u can to see the broader issues (e.g. the bully has deeper problems, that's perhaps why he/she is a bully etc etc), but in the meanwhile the vicim is still getting a punch in the head for no reason everytime they cross paths.

If the bully does so because they don't like the victim's face, whilt the victim keeps on 'stepping back and taking a breather', he/she is putting themselves in a disadvantaged situation by having to bear those hits day in day out.

I'm not disagreeing with your point. I'm just curious as to how straight fwd it actually is to implement in the world we exist in.

Weychin SG

I am assuming you are refering to a physically bullying, then having confidence and composure is important. Train yourself mentally and physically.
But if you are talking about office bullying, that a different story. One needs to be adapt socially or extremely competent in one’s own field in order not to be held hostage.

Weychin SG

Or work in your father's/mother's company! Heh! Heh! Then no body will bully you!

chocobean SG

Bullies thrive on getting a response from their victims.

Fcukpap SG

a believer sees a mirror of a greater believer none other than himself is an attachment of a narcissist's belief

Fcukpap SG

Loor SG

... Train yourself mentally and physically.

.... One needs to be adapt socially or extremely competent in one’s own field in order not to be held hostage.

....but i thought it isn't supposed to be about "me"?

Me not trying to debate your point, just asking questions to clarify before justifying it to.......myself.

Weychin SG

Perhaps I've missed your point. Let's say we are having this discussion, somewhere along the way. I feel threatened, since I am narcissistic, it is all about me, my ego, so I go anal and I start getting personal.I start attacking you,( defending myself), even though it was never your intention in the first place. You get surprised as you did not anticipate this, you retaliate as you are now feeling threatened. The common thing is both of us got emotional because we both felt threatened! With empathy with regards to the other person, one will not get too emotional with the other person, we will have a higher threshold before we start feeling threatened. If possible, try to disarm the person's aggression with your charm! It is not possible if you are threatened and feel angry or afraid! This is about having emotional maturity! Most bullies need to work up an aggressive response before becoming intimidating. They subconsciously size you up by signs mixture of fear and anger. They get their fix by humiliating others. Physically,let's use martial arts as example, when engaging an opponent, one must never lose one's cool, either anger or fear, for it will cloud our judgement. In the end, the more conscious party will prevail. With an untensed body and mind one counters the opponent effortlessly! Think and play taichi!

....but i thought it isn't supposed to be about "me"?

Me not trying to debate your point, just asking questions to clarify before justifying it to.......myself.

Weychin SG

We can both learn and benefit from each other!
Please do share!

Loor SG

right.

so in your first example....i agree - this is a situation where the approach is applicable, because it involves both parties eventually 'giving way', leading to a peaceful resolution.

In your second (bully) example however, it may not, as the bully doesn;t necessarily have anger towards you personally, but simply picks on u because of some past issues i.e. you're just the victim. The bully has no intentions to 'give in' because he can take out his issues/frustrations out on you. Taking up martial arts and defending yourself still requires some form of 'self preservation' doesn't it?

I think the approach is important and very enriching, but in the world we live in, very hard to apply in all circumstances.

thoughts?

realization SG

right.

so in your first example....i agree - this is a situation where the approach is applicable, because it involves both parties eventually 'giving way', leading to a peaceful resolution.

I think the approach is important and very enriching, but in the world we live in, very hard to apply in all circumstances.

thoughts?

With regards the response to bullying, it's not just the singular issue of self preservation at stake. It's also that the bully will continue with his/her ways if uncorrected. If the defense is not out of wanting to take revenge or a "you give me a black eye, I give you several broken ribs" sort of attitude, but simply a need to prevent oneself from getting hurt, then I would say a response is called for.

Nevertheless as people walking the spiritual path, I think it would be preferable where possible, to seek peaceful and "win-win" situations in matters involving conflict. If we behaved just like some gangster on the streets, then we need to ask ourselves if our personal cultivation has been effective.

Loor SG

Yep and that's what I'm gettin at - that in practical terms, sometimes a response is called for. If that means that you have to make a conscious decision to go and take up martial arts in order to defend yourself (not beat the bully to a pulp), then that still involves thinking about one's self and hence 'self preservation'....does it not?

To take the approach of 'impermanent' or 'we do not own these situations personally' is fine....but it may not be practical in the (non idealistic) world that we live in, unless you're willing to be consistently put in a disadvantaged situation.

Or am I seeing this in a too hostile kind of way...?

Weychin SG

Being a sentient being, being alive, is to preserve oneself, the no other way around the fact!
My point of view in this instance, derive from oneself being not unhappy. We do what we could to preserve ourselves, in fact everything things we learn in life, one way or another is about preserving ourselves!

Having the right balance,being proactive or passive, like the bow, too tight and it will break, too loose, unable to function, all about the balance. While it is ok to be proactive as we go about preserving and building, we should not dwell too much mentally . When we hold a negative or adversarial position, chances are the outcome will be confrontational. Physically ,you can have an upper hand if only you are bigger, better, faster. It is probably better to apply your intelligence on such situations.

You are not being hostile, but defensive upon feeling threatened.We feel threatened and unhappy because we do not have helpful ability to resolve the issue to our satisfaction. It is self preservation, not narcissistic. It is common to adopt an adversarial stance, being reactive.

Loor SG

thanks.....though i still hold reservations on the issue, i think i am able to use parts of the concept to improve.

Cheers for sharing!