Second Preface &
Synopsis
(First written on 3rd February 2011,
updated subsequently when necessary)
It's been almost a year since my first journal
entry, or my initial/first glimpse into awareness, or the true
nature of existence.
Here's a quick summary of this e-book/e-journal.
This e-book contains a journal of my insight and experiences,
coupled with conversations, advice/instructions by me on certain
practices like self-inquiry, and so on. And if you go through the
posts in my journal, you’ll see that there is an undeniable
unfolding of insight going on.
Firstly, about one year ago, through
contemplating the question 'Before birth, Who am I?' for almost two
years with a deep desire to resolve the matter of the truth of my
Being, there suddenly arose the insight into the essence of
existence, being, presence. This is a direct insight into something
undeniable and unavoidable. For the first time I realized what
presence, luminosity, awareness actually is, directly and
non-conceptually without intermediary. And I realize that to be my
very essence, in which there is no division between 'me' and 'it' -
I am That, the self-knowing presence. It is so clear and
undoubtable that there arose a certainty of Being, something more
undeniable and intimate than the breath, and if anything it is the
only 'thing' that cannot be denied.
At this phase, the construct of duality and the construct of
inherency still remains strong. As such, I see 1) an inherent
awareness 2) awareness is the ultimate observer of objects, and I
am that all-pervading awareness, I am not the objects - the objects
are objects happening to/in awareness, and awareness is like a vast
container for them to arise and subside.
This phase continued for the next six months where I deepened the
insight and experience of I AMness in terms of the insight and
experience of impersonality, where everything is seen to be the
spontaneous manifestation and doings of an impersonal source. It
feels like I am being lived by a higher power. Due to the
experience of impersonality, there is the impression that
consciousness is universal and everyone comes from the same source.
There is also the refining of that insight and experience in terms
of the intensity of luminosity, seeing through and dissolving the
need to abide, and effortlessness. So these four aspects are the
'refining factors of the realization of I AM' and is what
eventually led to further non-dual insights. That said, in the I AM
realization phase, due to the lack of insights, I was skewed into
trying to abide more and more as the I AM and trying to make this
abidance constant.
In August, while dancing and just immersing myself into the
movement, the music, and sensuousness of everything, I experienced
non-duality very intensely and effortlessly as the sense of self
just dropped off. Although I have had non-dual glimpses (lasting
only a few moments usually), this was different as it became very
effortless and constant. Everything was very intense, blissful, and
luminously present - and it was not because of alcohol or
mind-altering drugs ... the subsidance of the sense of dualistic
construct is very blissful, and this bliss and clarity did not just
stop - it became a perpetual experience in daily life. Now,
Awareness is seen to be seamless by nature. I no longer see and
experience Presence and Awareness as a formless background to
everything. In fact, it is seen that there is no division between
the observer and the observed - I am the seeing, the hearing, the
smelling, the tasting, the touching, everything arising moment to
moment, there is no separate self or experiencer, there is only
that - and that is non-dual presence. However, the construct of an
inherent awareness is still strong, and as such, I see 1) an
inherent awareness 2) awareness is not divided with all
manifestations. In other words, I see everything as the
manifestation of the same aliveness/awareness, and Awareness is
seen as a seamless undivided field of being in which everything is
equally an expression of, and not other than, this field of
aliveness/awareness/consciousness. As such, the purpose of practice
is no longer geared towards achieving a constant, 24/7 abidance in
the purest state of Presence, the Self. Rather, seamless and
effortlessness is discovered to be totally non-dual and seamless
with/AS all manifestations, rather than abiding in a purest
formless Presence. At this point, I keep questioning myself, "Where
does awareness end and manifestation begin?" and the answer to this
is a non-conceptual, borderless, centreless, seamless field of
undivided presence in which everything is included AS non-dual
presence.
In October upon the contemplation of Bahiya Sutta while I was
marching (was enlisted last year for a mandatory two year military
service), I realized Anatta. The contemplation of 'in the seeing
just the seen, in the hearing just the heard' as Buddha instructed
Bahiya triggered that realization. As such, I no longer see an
agent that perceives, i.e. an Awareness. I realized that there is
no agent that perceives at all, no subject to be found. In seeing,
there is only just the seen, the scenery - the seeing IS the seen,
the seeing IS the scenery. There is just scenery - and that alone
is the seeing. There is no seer, no agent, no perceiver behind
perception. Only always just perception without perceiver.
Everything is just happening. There is no "seamless field of
aliveness" because aliveness is simply these everchanging and
ungraspable sensations arising and subsiding each moment. Just
thoughts, sensations, sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, that's
all. Phenomena manifesting. The entire process itself rolls and
knows, there is no knower. There is no Awareness that is one with
its perceptions. There is just perception, the perception itself is
its knowing. Because there is always only arising phenomena, there
is no such thing as 'unicity'. There is no awareness to be united
with objects, no mirror that is one with its reflections. There is
no subject to begin with that could be inseparable with its
objects. There is always only phenomena.
Few months later, I began to notice this subtle remaining tendency
to cling to a Here and Now. Somehow, I still want to return to a
Here, a Now, which I found to be a subtle illusory yet hypnotic
conceptual image that represents 'Presence'. In reality, Presence
is empty and non-local. It cannot be located, it cannot be found,
it cannot be pinned pointed even as 'here' or 'now'. It cannot be
grasped in any way, because there is no core or essence to
Awareness. There is always only dependently originated appearances,
that alone is Presence, and that is unlocatable, ungraspable,
unfindable in any way whatsoever. Therefore we must not only
dissolve the construct of "Who", even the more subtle construct of
a "Where" and "When" must be dissolved for true liberation. When
this is seen, the subtle tendency to seek an inherent
source/awareness/presence is then allowed to be dropped, and in
place of that seeking tendency is the effortless and natural
spontaneous manifestation of interdepedent origination.
Soon afterwards, there is the realization that what there is, is
unsupported, disjoint thoughts and phenomena... There is only the
ungraspable experiencing of everything, which is bubble like.
Everything just pops in and out. It's like a stream... cannot be
grasped or pinned down... like a dream, yet totally vivid. Cannot
be located as here or there.
Prior to this insight, there isn't the insight into phenomena as
being 'scattered' without a linking basis (well there already was
but it needs refinement)... the moment you say there is a Mind, an
Awareness, a Presence that is constant throughout all experiences,
that pervades and arise as all appearances, you have failed to see
the 'no-linking', 'disjointed', 'unsupported' nature of
manifestation.
The luminosity and the emptiness are inseparable. They are both
essential aspects of our experiential reality and must be seen in
its seamlessness and unity. Realizing this, there is just disjoint
thoughts and phenomena arising without support and liberating on
its own accord. There is nothing solid acting as the basis of these
experiences and linking them... there is just spontaneous and
unsupported manifestations and self liberating experiences.
Therefore, this ‘disjoint, unsupported, bubble-like, non-solid,
spontaneous, self-releasing’ nature of activities is revealed as a
further progression from the initial insight into Anatta which is
still skewed towards non-dual luminosity and being grounded in the
‘Here/Now’.
So... that's the story so far anyway. I claim no finality, and in
fact, am pretty sure more insights are going to unfold in time to
come. And since I see reality as a process, I do not make
neo-Advaitic claims like 'oh the time bound story is just relative
stuff and actually all there is is Here/Now' - there is no
inherently existing 'Here/Now' at all, there is just phenomena
rolling on its own accord and telling its story but without a self
at the center claiming ownership of the process (and yet using
personal pronouns is unavoidable for convenient communication - I
don't want to sound like a weirdo for using impersonal pronouns)
And yet since reality/phenomena is as ungraspable as lightning
strikes, no phenomena including enlightenment could be captured or
clung to. So I always refer back to what Zen Master Dogen
wrote:
To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to
forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all
things of the universe. To be enlightened by all things of the
universe is to cast off the body and mind of the self as well as
those of others. Even the traces of enlightenment are wiped out,
and life with traceless enlightenment goes on forever and
ever.
Also, even though I presented my journal as if there is a kind of
linear progression going on, in truth we should not see these
stages/phases as strictly linear or having a
hierarchy.
For example, some is able to understand the
profound wisdom of emptiness from the start but have no direct
experience of luminosity, then luminosity becomes a later phase. So
does that mean the most pristine experience of "I AM" is now the
last stage? On the other hand, some have experienced luminosity but
does not understand how he got himself 'lost', as there is no
insight to the karmic tendencies/propensities at all, therefore
they cannot understand Dependent Origination adequately. But does
that mean that one that experience emptiness is higher than one
that experience luminosity?
Some people experience non-dual but did not go through the I AM,
and then after non-dual the I AM becomes even more precious because
it will bring out the luminosity aspect more. Also, when in
non-dual, one can still be full of thoughts, therefore the focus
then is to experience the thoroughness of being no-thoughts, fully
luminous and present... then it is not about non-dual, not about
the no object-subject split, it is about the degree of luminosity
for these non-dualist. But for some monks that is trapped in
luminosity and rest in samadhi, then the focus should be on
refining non-dual insight and experience.
So just see the phases as different aspect of insights of our true
nature, not necessarily as linear stages or a 'superiority' and
'inferiority' comparison. What one should understand is what is
lacking in the form of realization. There is no hierarchy to it,
only insights. Then one will be able to see all stages as flat, no
higher.
And as I told my friend: There is no order of
precedence how the phases of insight unfolds for people. Some
experience/realize I AM after non-dual, some before. Like Joan
Tollifson puts it... rather than a linear stage progression,
sometimes it is more like a spiral going back and forth, though
that is also just a relative perspective of things. The spiralling
continues until one sees with utter conviction that all phenomena
shares the same taste, that everything in its primordial purity is
Dharmakaya itself.
That said, although there is no
strict order of precedence of insight (i.e. not everyone starts
with the realization of I AM), of late, I and Thusness realized
that it is important to have a first glimpse of our luminous
essence (i.e. the I AM realization) directly before proceeding into
understanding non-dual, anatta and dependent origination. Some
times understanding something (e.g. emptiness/dependent
origination) too early will deny oneself from actual realization as
it becomes conceptual. Once the conceptual understanding is
formed, even qualified masters will find it difficult to lead the
practitioner to the actual ‘realization’ as a practitioner mistakes
conceptual understanding for realization.
Therefore, if I were to make an
advice to ‘beginners’ reading this, my advice would be to start
with the practice of self-inquiry (though this is by no means the
only method, it is one which is very direct and one which I am
familiar with), realize the certainty of Being (the I AMness), then
progress from there to investigate the non-dual, anatta, and empty
nature of Presence.
Lastly, I see enlightenment as nothing mystical. It is simply the
lifting of veils to reveal subtler aspects of reality. Once we lift
conceptual thoughts, we discover I AM. Once we lift the bond of
duality, we experience and discover non-dual awareness. Once we
lift the bond of inherency, we experience and discover the absence
of agent and an wonderfully luminous yet empty universe occuring
via dependent origination.
May all beings be free and liberated like birds flying in the sky,
leaving no tracks. May you become traceless and incomprehensible in
this life.
