Skillful Speech
Bhante Gunaratana
Excerpts from Eight Mindful Steps to
Happiness: Walking the Buddha's Path
Bhante Henepola Gunaratana – Wisdom Publications
Bhante Gunaratana delves
deeply into each step of the Buddha's most profound teaching on
bringing an end to suffering: the noble eightfold path. With
generous and specific advice, eight mindful steps to happiness
offers skillful ways to handle anger, to find right livelihood, and
to cultivate loving-friendliness in relationships with parents,
children, and partners, as well as tools to overcome all the mental
hindrances that prevent happiness. A gentle and down-to-earth guide
that helps bring the heart of the Buddha's teachings into every
aspect of s life.
Think how often you say to yourself, "If only I hadn't
said that," or something like "When I saw the look on her face, I
knew that what I said had hurt her feelings." Wrong speech causes
us many problems. We lie and then get caught in it; we say
something nasty about a co-worker and get him into trouble; we
speak inconsiderately and offend a client or friend; we spend a
whole day in meaningless chatter and get nothing clone.
These bad habits of speech are not new. The Buddha considered
the practice of Skillful Speech so essential to one's personal and
spiritual development that he gave it its own step on the path to
happiness. Skillful Speech, the Buddha told us, has four qualities:
It is always truthful. It is uplifting, not malicious or unkind. It
is gentle, not crude or harsh. It is moderate, not useless or
meaningless.
A person who is known for gentle and beautiful speech, the
Buddha explained, will quickly be trusted and respected. Such a
person enjoys a calm and peaceful state of mind and is able to
interact with others lovingly. Have you noticed, for instance, that
people tend to speak to us as they have heard us speak? If we are
known to exaggerate or to lie, others find it easier to lie to us.
If we habitually malign others, people find it easier to speak
harshly of us. The converse is also true. If we are known for
truthfulness, our words are more readily believed. If we have a
reputation for discretion, others find it harder to spread gossip
about us. If our speech is always kind and gentle, others feel
embarrassed to swear or speak crudely in our presence.
It is clear that speech creates an environment that either
contributes to happiness or destroys it. We know this is so because
our own experience shows us that how we think and act is heavily
influenced by the kind of speech that goes on around us. One of the
Buddha's first nuns observed in verse:
If he resorted to noble friends,
Even a fool would become wise.
(Thig 213)
If we wish to be wise, we must not only seek out noble friends
but be a noble friend to others. Doing so requires that we make a
mindful effort to practice Skillful Speech. A Buddhist folk story
illustrates how strongly speech can influence our behavior:
A monk in the Buddha's entourage had a habit of eating sumptuous
meals with a group of people misled by the evil monk Devadatta.
Tempted by the delicious food these people offered, this monk spent
much time in the unwholesome company of this group. The Buddha
reprimanded the monk for choosing such companions and warned him of
the consequences. To convince him to change his behavior, the
Buddha told the monk the story of an incident that had taken place
in a former life, in which the monk had been led astray by the
harsh, unwholesome speech of those around him.
In a previous birth, the Buddha said, the monk had been a great
elephant belonging to a king. This elephant was known for his
gentle disposition. Then a group of burglars made a habit of
gathering near the elephant's stall each night to discuss their
evil plans. They spoke harshly and encouraged each other to commit
murder and other cruel acts. The elephant began to believe that
their rough words were intended to teach him that he should behave
in similar ways. As a result, the formerly noble elephant became
murderous, killing anyone who tried to work with him.
The king who owned the elephant sent his minister--the aspiring
Buddha to investigate what was corrupting the gentle elephant. The
minister overheard the wicked speech of the burglars and saw how it
affected the elephant. He advised the king to send wise sages,
known for their gentle speech, to talk together near the elephant's
stall every night. The good and wholesome speech soon influenced
the elephant to return to his gentle ways, and he was never cruel
again. (J 26)
Skillful Speech can improve your life in many ways. Just imagine
never having to regret anything you say! That would release many of
us from a heavy burden.
Let's look more closely at the four qualities of Skillful Speech
and explore how they might help us along on the path to
happiness.
SPEAK THE TRUTH
The first quality of Skillful Speech is that it is always
truthful. Never lie, the Buddha told us, whether for your own
advantage, for someone else's advantage, or for any advantage
whatsoever. The Buddha summed up the guidelines for truth-telling
this way:
When [someone is] questioned as a witness thus, "So, good man,
tell what you know": knowing, he says, "I know"; not knowing, he
says, "I do not know"; not seeing, he says, "I do not see"; or
seeing, he says, "I see"; he does not in full awareness speak
falsehood for his own ends, or another's ends, or for some trifling
worldly end. (M 41)
Occasionally we may be asked a question to which a response of
silence indicates a particular answer. If our silence would convey
a lie, then we must speak. For example, a police investigator at
the scene of a crime asks a crowd of on-lookers whether they saw
anything. If everyone remains silent, the investigator will
conclude that no one has seen the crime occur. If some of the
onlookers are witnesses, then they lie by remaining silent. They
may feel that they have good reason to say nothing, such as fear of
retaliation, but their silence is a lie nonetheless. We can also
lie with our body language. Sometimes a shrug or a raised eyebrow
may convey "I don't know." But if you do know, your shrug is a
deception.
There are situations, however, where the truth has to be
withheld because speaking up might hurt someone. In such cases, we
have to wait for the right time to speak the right wor.ds to the
right person. The Buddha himself frequently resorted to silence
when his answering a question would cause someone harm. Once a man
asked the Buddha whether there is life after death. The Buddha just
sat there, silent, until the man gave up and went away. Later, his
attendant Ananda, asked the Buddha why he had not answered. The
Buddha explained that any answer would have caused the man
suffering. If he had answered that there is continuation after
death, the Buddha knew that the man would have seized on the idea
of an eternally existing self, a wrong understanding that leads to
suffering. If he had answered negatively, the man would have
developed another wrong understanding, thinking, "Then I will be
annihilated!" and would have suffered greatly on that account. To
avoid causing harm to the man, the Buddha decided not to make any
response at all.
The Buddha described the guidelines by which he himself decided
whether to speak or to remain silent. If he knew something was
untrue, incorrect, or not beneficial, he would not say it. "Such
speech [the Buddha] does not utter," he said. If he knew that
something was true, correct, and beneficial, then "[the Buddha]
knows the time to use such speech." When his words were true,
correct, beneficial, and timely, the Buddha spoke regardless of
whether his words would be "unwelcome and disagreeable to others"
or "welcome and agreeable to others." (M 58) Deeply compassionate
and fully focused on people's well-being, the Buddha never spoke
only to be a "people pleaser." We can learn much from his
example.
When I am tempted to speak words that do not meet the Buddha's
guidelines, I remind myself that I gain nothing by speaking, nor
does anyone else gain, and nobody loses by my keeping quiet. For
example, let's say I am talking with friends, one of whom is
monopolizing the conversation. I have something to say and feel
impatient to say it. I have reflected on what I want to say and
know it is true as to past events, correct as to current facts, and
that it would benefit the listeners. If I blurt it out now,
however, I may offend the speaker. Thus it is not timely. So I
remind myself that I do not gain if I speak in an untimely way,
nobody else gains, and furthermore nobody loses by my patient
silence. I can say what I want to say some other time.
WORDS ARE NOT WEAPONS
The second aspect of Skillful Speech is avoiding malicious talk.
As an old folk saying tells us, "The tongue is a boneless weapon
trapped between teeth." When we speak malicious words, our tongue
releases verbal daggers. Such words rob people of their good name
and their credibility. Even when what we say about someone is true,
if its intent is to cause the person harm, it is malicious.
The Buddha defined malicious talk as speech that destroys the
friendship between two people. Here's an example: Suppose on a trip
I meet one of your good friends who lives far away. I remember that
several months before, you had told me an unflattering story about
this fellow. I may not remember your exact words, so I add a little
flavor when I repeat what you said. I even make it look like I am
doing this guy a favor to let him know that you have been talking
about him behind his back. Your friend responds in some heat. When
I get home, I repeat his words to you, spicing them up a bit to
make it a better story. Because it causes disharmony and breaks up
a friendship, such speech is malicious.
Sometimes we disguise malicious speech as concern about
another's behavior. Or we reveal a secret that someone has confided
to us, believing that we are doing so "for his own good." For
instance, telling a woman that her husband is being unfaithful
because "you don't want her to be the last to know" may cause more
suffering for everyone involved. When you are tempted to speak in
such a way, ask yourself what you hope to gain. If your goal is to
manipulate others or to earn someone's gratitude or appreciation,
your speech is self-serving and malicious rather than virtuous.
Public speech can be malicious as well. Tabloid newspapers, talk
radio, Internet chat rooms, and even some respectable news media
seem to be making their living today using words as weapons. A
fresh shot at this week's media target scores points that translate
into increased viewers and advertising dollars. Malicious speech
knocks someone down to raise someone else up. It tries to make the
speaker look incisive, smart, or hip at another's expense.
Not all malicious speech sounds nasty. Sometimes people use
words that seem gentle but have a derogatory meaning. Such
disguised verbal daggers are even more dangerous than overtly
malicious words because they more easily penetrate the listener's
mind and heart. In modern terms, we call such speech a "backhanded
compliment." We say to someone, "How clever of you to fix up your
old house rather than moving to a more fashionable neighborhood,"
or "Your g~ray hair is so becoming. Isn't it wonderful that looking
older is acceptable in our profession?" Skillful Speech not only
means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone
but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for
others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and
destroy.
SPEAK SOFTLY
The third kind of wrong speech is harsh language. Verbal abuse,
profanity, sarcasm, hypocrisy, and excessively blunt or belittling
criticism are all examples of harsh language.
Speech is a powerful tool that can be used for good or for ill. The
Buddha compared speech to an ax:
Every person who is born is born with an ax in his mouth. A fool
who uses abusive language cuts himself and others with that
ax.
(Sn 657)
We probably think of an ax merely as a tool for chopping
firewood. But in the Buddha's day, the ax was a tool of precision
and power. It was used to cut long planks of wood and plane them
perfectly smooth and to carve and chisel wood precisely. It could
cut down a mighty tree. And it was a deadly weapon, a brutal means
to maim or kill. Perhaps a modern parallel to the ax is the
computer. Computers can be used to do many wonderful things--to
communicate across oceans, make music, or direct a flight to Mars.
They can also be used for destruction. Computers help wage wars by
controlling missiles and other weapons.
lust as we must choose how we will use the power of an ax or a
computer, we must choose how we will use our speech. Will we speak
words that awaken, console, and encourage others ? Or will we cut
them down, injuring ourselves in the process? Slanderous talk,
cruel gossip, lies, and crude or profane jokes not only abuse
others but make us look like fools who are unable to wield the ax
in our mouths without bloodying ourselves.
We are also fools if we think that harsh language ever
accomplishes anything positive. Though we may feel very
self-satisfied when we have dressed someone down, as we say--given
them a piece of our minds--we have won no genuine victory. As the
Buddha said:
The fool thinks he has won a battle, when he bullies with harsh
speech; but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one
victorious.
(S 1.7.1[3])
It is easy to silence people by using harsh, insulting words. A
smart adversary will generally withdraw from such an interchange
and respond to our harsh words with icy silence. We may
congratulate ourselves and think, I really showed him–he shut right
up when he heard what I had to say. But our apparent victory is
hollow. Our opponent may have pledged never to speak to us again or
vowed to thwart us secretly sometime in the future. The ill will
and bad feelings we cause will boomerang and strike us when we
least anticipate it.
It's easy to think of other examples of the negative effects of
harsh language. Perhaps you have a co-worker with enormous talent
or technical genius, whose mouth always gets him into trouble. He
bullies his associates with words that are harsh, abrasive,
arrogant, and obnoxious. Despite the quality of his work, people
cannot tolerate him, so his career goes nowhere.
Another particularly sad example of the destructive power of
harsh speech is its effect on children. Haven't we all overheard
parents telling their children, "You're a disgrace," "You can't do
anything right," "You'll never amount to anything." Perhaps we
remember being told such things when we were small. Verbal abuse
can leave scars on the heart of a child that never completely heal.
Of course, parents might sometimes have to speak sharply to a child
to stop the child from doing something dangerous, like playing with
matches or running into the street. But such strong speech is
motivated by love and care, not by the wish to bully or
belittle.
Animals also feel the effect of harsh speech. My grandnephew has
a great Alaskan husky named Taurus. Taurus is fascinated by the
animals on television. He even tries to bite them. Because he is so
large, when Taurus is attracted to what he sees on the screen, he
blocks the view of the people sitting behind him. One day a member
of my grandnephew's family ordered Taurus to get out of the way.
Her tone of voice was excessively hard and stern. The dog reacted
by going to the basement. For a week Taurus stayed down there,
refusing to come out, even to eat. He emerged only occasionally to
go outside to relieve himself. Then he went right back downstairs.
Finally, the family had to go and plead with him, using sweet
words, in affectionate tones, before Taurus rejoined them.
The soft words of my grandnephew's family won back the
companionship of their beloved pet. Kind language, as another early
Buddhist saying tells us, is always appropriate and welcome:
Speak kind words, words rejoiced at and welcomed, words that
bear ill will to none; always speak kindly to others.
(Sn 452 [translated by Ven. S. Dhammika])
Telling someone, "I really appreciate the work you did," "You
handled that difficult situation beautifully," or "It's such a joy
to see you" warms the heart of the speaker and of the person spoken
to. Soft word: are honey on the tongue. Speaking our praise and
appreciation increase: the happiness of everyone involved. They
help us make and keep friends, for everyone wants to associate with
people whose soft and gentle speech makes them feel relaxed,
comfortable, and safe. Soft words help children flourish and grow
up with a positive feeling of self-worth. Such words can also help
people learn and appreciate the Buddha's message. There is no limit
to the amount of joy we can spread to those around us if we speak
with kindness and skill.
A word of caution: Soft words must also be sincere and motivated
by a noble purpose. Speaking gently and kindly while thinking or
doing the opposite is hypocrisy, not virtue. We have all heard
religious leaders who use soft words to spread fear or manipulate
people into sending money to their organization. I remember a man
in Sri Lanka who toured the country speaking against the evils of
alcohol. This man rose to fame, power, and popularity, drawing
large crowds due to the power of his oration. He galvanized the
campaign to close the bars, shut down the breweries, and end the
sale of liquor. One hot summer day, during one of his powerful
speeches, the man carelessly whipped off his jacket. A small bottle
of alcohol fell from an inside pocket and hit the floor of the
stage. That was the end of the prohibition campaign, and of this
man's public career. Even though what the man was saying about the
poison of alcohol was true, once people saw the poison of this
man's hypocrisy, they could no longer buy his message.
AVOID USELESS CHATTER
The fourth type of wrong speech is gossip, which the Buddha
described as foolish or meaningless talk. When we say the word
gossip in English, we may be referring to a whole range of negative
speech, from malicious invective to merely careless or useless
chatter. All such speech is considered wrong according to the
Buddha's teachings.
Gossip about other people is a problem regardless of whether what
we say about someone else is true. After all, if three people
relate a story about a fourth person, each story will be different.
Human nature is such that we tend to believe whatever we hear
first, even though it is just one person's version. It may be based
on truth, but gossip will embellish and exaggerate it.
Gossip leads to quarrels and misunderstandings. It can break up
relationships. In the most serious cases, it can lead to lawsuits
for libel or defamation. In the Buddha's time, the power of gossip
toppled a great confederacy:
The Licchavi people were a proud, free clan, one of the most
powerful and important members of a strong confederacy of eight
clans. Their capital city was the capital of the confederacy. An
ambitious ruler, King Ajatasattu, the principal supporter of the
evil monk Devadatta, planned to invade and defeat the Licchavi
people. The king asked the Buddha his opinion of his plan to
invade. The Buddha spoke of the harmony in which the Licchavi
people lived and told the king, "You cannot invade them so long as
they remain unified and harmonious." The king postponed his attack
and pondered the Buddha's statement.
Then King Ajatasattu came up with a simple and devious plan. He
instructed his prime minister to whisper something into the ear of
a Licchavi man. The prime minister went up to one of the Licchavi
men and whispered emphatically, "There is rice in a paddy seed." It
was a trivial, meaningless statement. Everyone knew that rice can
be found in a paddy seed.
But seeing something whispered, another Licchavi man began
wondering what King Ajatasattu's prime minister had said to this
fellow. When he asked the man what had been said, the man repeated
the statement about the paddy seed.
Hearing this, the second Licchavi man thought, "This guy is
hiding the truth. He doesn't trust me. He fabricated this silly
statement about the paddy seed to deceive me." Filled with
suspicion, he told another Licchavi clansman that the man had been
whispering with the prime minister. That person told another, and
so on, until people believed that the man was a spy and that a
secret conspiracy was being hatched in their midst.
Peace was shattered. Accusations and arguments arose among the
Licchavi people, and fighting broke out among the leading families.
With his enemy in disarray, King Ajatasattu invaded the Licchavi
people, and his troops conquered them easily. He then went on to
conquer the rest of the confederacy.
I don't need such accounts to convince myself that gossip is
harmful. I have experienced myself how damaging gossip can be. It
seems that whenever someone tries to do something for the good of
society, some people feel opposed to that effort. Maybe they feel
insecure or jealous of another's success. Rumors are their weapons.
They do not have to come forth and provide any evidence. They can
whisper insinuations and rely upon other people's willingness to
engage in careless talk to do their dirty work.
When we were first trying to raise funds to build our center,
some people spread rumors about the Bhavana Society. People said
that I was bilking donors, intending to use the funds we collected
to start a shady business for profit. Unsigned letters were sent to
key people, telling them not to contribute. The gossip was started
maliciously, but it was spread by people who simply did not know
the truth. The Buddhist community in the city in which I lived,
which had initially been supportive, became divided. Fortunately,
those who opposed the building of the Bhavana Society could not
find any real faults to magnify, or they would have completely
destroyed our efforts.
So long as people are willing to believe whatever they hear and
repeat things carelessly, rumors will circulate. Once an American
member of the board of directors of the Bhavana Society traveled to
Sri Lanka. While there, he joined a group of meditation
practitioners from various countries, and they spent an evening
talking together about meditation centers in various places.
Someone mentioned the Bhavana Society in this gathering, and a
woman exclaimed, "Oh! That's the center where they have that tea
ceremony in the evenings !" When our board member protested, the
lady insisted that she knew her statement to be true. Finally our
member said, "Well, I have known Bhante Gunaratana since 1972 and
have been involved with the Bhavana Society since its inception. I
know there is no tea ceremony there." If someone who knew the truth
had not been present, no one would have been able to contradict the
woman's statement. Perhaps others would have added further untrue
comments and maybe even hurtful things. That is how gossip gets
started and how it damages people and institutions. If we hear
someone gossip or say something damaging, we have two choices:
either we end the conversation or we discourage the person from
speaking negatively, as our board member did in this case.
But there's an even more radical and powerful message in the
Buddha's teaching that we abstain from gossip. It is that all
unnecessary speech is harmful. Many of us spend a great deal of
time chattering about the food we ate several days or months ago,
or trying to remember the details of some silly movie or TV show
that we saw. We waste even more time saying things simply to make
others laugh. This kind of talk does not lead to any deepening of
wisdom. When we consider how short human life is and how easily it
can be snatched away by accident or illness, do we really want to
waste our precious time distracting ourselves with idle chitchat?
Someone whose hair is On fire must urgently try to put it out;
likewise, we must arouse our spiritual urgency to free ourselves
from the burning of negative mind states, rather than wasting our
time on gossip.
Now, it's true that some seemingly idle or silly talk may
actually serve an important purpose. Sometimes we must speak so~t
meaningless words to comfort someone or to bond lovingly with our
children. All mindful speech motivated by love and compassion is an
acceptable part of Skillful Speech. The test is to stop and ask
ourselves before we speak: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it
beneficial? Does it harm anyone? Is this the right time to say
something?"
MINDFULNESS OF SKILLFUL SPEECH
Skillful Speech is not something you practice on the cushion. It
happens in dialogue, not silence. During formal meditation,
however, you can think about your habits of speech and try to
convert the thoughts that arise to skillful thoughts--those
motivated by generosity, loving-friendliness, and compassion. You
can analyze your past actions and ask yourself: "Did I speak
correctly yesterday? Have I spoken only gently, kindly,
meaningfully, and truthfully?" If you find that you have erred in
some way, you can pledge to improve your mindfulness of Skillful
Speech.
The most important resolution you can make is to think before
you speak. People say, "Watch your tongue!" But it's more important
to watch your mind. The tongue does not wag by itself. The mind
controls it. Before you open your mouth, check your mind to see
whether your motivation is wholesome. You will come to regret any
speech motivated by greed, hatred, or delusion.
Also make a strong determination not to say anything that might
hurt another person. This pledge will definitely help you to think
carefully before you speak. When you speak mindfully, you
automatically speak truthfully, gently, and kindly. Mindfulness
will keep you from using verbal daggers that can pierce people to
the marrow. If the intent to speak in a harmful way occurs to you,
immediately use mindfulness and Skillful Effort to prevent these
thoughts from continuing.
The pledge not to wound others with your speech is especially
important when talking with someone toward whom you feel
resentment, or when discussing a situation about which you have
strong feelings. Be careful! Use only gentle, well-selected words.
Speaking softly can bring peace and harmony to the situation and
help the conversation to continue in a productive, profitable, and
friendly way.
If someone approaches you and speaks irritatingly--nagging or
gossiping about one of your friends, for instance~and you notice
yourself getting upset, simply stop talking. Remind yourself
silently, "I must not be reactive. I must not fall into the same
lack of mindfulness as this person. This conversation is not going
anywhere. I choose to engage only in meaningful conversation." In
many cases, the other person will respond to your silence by
stopping the irritating talk. You can use the pause that follows to
turn the conversation in a better direction.
Actually, as someone following the Buddha's path, the moment you
know that a conversation is heading in the wrong direction, you
should take responsibility for putting it back on track. It is so
easy to get carried away with emotional talk and start shouting. A
shouting match causes unhappiness to everyone involved. With
mindfulness recall how awful you feel when you are out of control
emotionally. Remind yourself that it may take hours or days before
you calm down enough to talk to this person again. A lot of good
feelings will be lost, perhaps permanently.
In spite of all your good efforts, however, sometimes you still
get angry. If another person continually provokes you, assaulting
you with verbal daggers, you may become completely confused and
bewildered. Then it is very easy for anger to arise. When you see
your confusion building up, say "Wait a minute!" to the other
person, with the hope of finding a moment to clear your mind. But
what if the other person responds with "No, you wait a minute!" and
continues to attack--then what?
In these situations, when the conversation spins out of control,
your task is to bring mindfulness back quickly and use Skillful
Effort to overcome the anger. Even if your feelings of anger cause
your heart to beat fast, your body to break into a sweat, and your
hands to shake, mindfulness of your resolution to avoid all harsh
speech can help you stay in control. Simply refuse to let your
anger tell you what to say. Concentrate on your breathing to
reestablish mindfulness until your anger has died down.
Calming yourself gives both you and the other person a chance to
open your hearts in a more friendly way. As your heart begins to
warm, you see the other more clearly, and maybe you will understand
why you both got upset. You can also see how confused an angry
state of mind makes you. As your feelings of respect and concern
grow, you can resolve to use this moment to begin a new and more
loving relationship and to strengthen the companionship between
you. That is what you should always hope to do.
When you see that you have disciplined your mind and your words and
that the situation has become more harmonious, be happy about it!
Say to yourself, "This is what I want. I want always to act in ways
that allow these good things to happen." Bring up that thought
again and again.
Let me tell you a story of a time when I myself had to use
mindfulness to practice Skillful Speech. Perhaps my experience will
give you some clues about how to apply mindfulness to situations
that arise it your life--at your work, at home, and in your
personal relationships.
Many years ago, when I was in charge of running a certain
temple, a group of people called a meeting for temple supporters.
These people opposed some work I had initiated and needed a forum
where they could express their frustrations. A bit of character
assassination may hay been on the agenda, too. Some of these people
had very strong feelings about the matters to be discussed. They
had been born into Buddhist families, but they had no interest in
meditation. In fact, they considered meditation a crazy thing to
do. Therefore they did not understand my work. I expected to be on
the hot seat during this meeting, but what happened was worse than
anyone could have predicted.
About forty people were attending the meeting, including many of
my relatives, close friends, and others who hoped to show support
for my programs. Before the meeting was properly opened, even
before introductions had been made, a very simple man stood up and
began to speak. This fellow was uneducated and unskilled, with a
tendency toward unrefined speech. He had little to say about the
temple business under discussion, but a lot to say about me. In
low, vulgar terms, he charged that I had done nothing for the
temple for years, that I was damaging support for the temple, and
so on. He used socially unacceptable, derogatory, and hurtful
language throughout this tirade, which went on for about twenty
minutes.
During this shocking verbal assault, I worked with my mind. To
prevent anger from arising, I reasoned with myself. I could see
that the man was in a disturbed state, and I thought to myself, "I
know this man to have a peaceful nature. We have had a good
relationship. He must have been poisoned by someone else who feels
strongly about these matters to say such things." As the man
continued to speak, I reflected that I had had many opportunities
for spiritual and cultural development that this man lacked. I
recalled that he had only an elementary school education, few
skills, and little interest in spiritual training. In this way, I
tried to cultivate compassion for him and also gratitude that my
training made it unlikely that I would ever speak or act as he was
doing.
I also reflected on the context of what was happening. I
considered that if I were to say anything to oppose him, my
supporters would stand up for me, and the meeting might degenerate
into an ugly fight. I watched people's eyes getting bigger and saw
them frowning at the man and shifting in their seats. I sensed that
my relatives in particular were deeply affected. I am an elder in
my family--a brother, uncle, granduncle, and great granduncle---and
I am known to be a gentle monk. Naturally, my family respects me
and feels protective of me. I knew that if I seemed to be hurt or
upset by what this man was saying, my relatives would experience
anger and other unwholesome states of mind. They might even
physically attack the man. So I told myself: "Here I have to
exercise mindfulness, patience, and understanding to bring peace to
this meeting."
I established mindfulness by concentrating on my breathing. When
challenged like this, it is very important to pause and take some
deep breaths before responding--perhaps two minutes of deep
breathing, or thirty inhalations and thirty exhalations. This pause
gives you time to relax and clear your mind, so you can speak
sense, instead of blowing up.
Finally, the man seemed to have exhausted himself and stopped
talking. Everybody was tense. They all looked at me. In a quiet
voice I said, "This gentleman has been a friend of mine. He has
been a very good supporter of this temple and has done many good
and helpful things. He also knows what I have done all these years
for the temple. But today, somehow, he seems to be upset,
disappointed, and maybe not feeling quite himself. Therefore I feel
like giving my blessings to him and to everybody."
I asked everyone there to put their hands together in the prayer
position and to reverence the Buddha by saying three times, "Homage
to the Blissful One, the Noble One, the Fully Enlightened One."
This is how we commonly begin formal ceremonies. From the sheer
weight of tradition, there was no way anyone could bring up any
quarrel or express any negative opinion from that point on. It
would have seemed disrespectful to the Buddha. Then I led the group
in taking the five precepts, which uplifted their minds and made
sure that everyone recalled the Buddha's guidelines for proper,
harmless behavior. Finally, I recited a lengthy blessing chant, and
when I finished, I said, "Now you can go home. The meeting is
over." And that was the end of it. For some years, this man
remained cold toward me, but later I had the opportunity to be of
service to him when he went through some serious difficulties.
Since then and to this day, he remains friendly to me and expresses
only his gratitude and respect.
Mindfulness is the key that helped me resolve this difficult
situation. The same technique can work for you. I sometimes hear
people say that things were happening so fast that "even with
mindfulness" they could not control their actions or speech. Saying
"even with mindfulness" makes no sense. Perhaps their mindfulness
was weak or undermined by greed, hatred, or delusion. But by
definition, mindfulness keeps us in control of what we think, how
we act, and what we say. It's impossible to shout at someone
mindfully, or to abuse alcohol mindfully, or to engage in sexual
misconduct mindfully. If you are truly mindful, you simply cannot
do these things!
Because our habits are so strong, whenever we open our mouths,
things seem just to spill out. We may not be aware of how much
energy pours away with our speech. With mindful awareness, we put a
stop to this outpouring, and energy collects. We can use this
built-up energy to develop insight into the nature of our habits.
Using this energy as fuel, we can talk to ourselves mentally in
meditation, taking stock of our actions, further training our
minds.
However, when we let this bottled-up energy out without
mindfulness, it often explodes with a pop! like a
cork from a bottle. I see this especially at the end of retreats. A
few moments before, a perfectly silent group of people were sitting
still or moving slowly and quietly. Then the Noble Silence of the
retreat ends, and a roar of babbling conversation breaks out. This
flood of talk goes on for an hour or two, until all the built-up
energy has dissipated. The longer the retreat, the louder and more
light-headed people will become, unless they make the effort to
remain very mindful of their speech.
The only antidote for wrong speech is a strong dose of
mindfulness–not just during retreats, or when you are in a
challenging or difficult situation, but for your whole life.
Mindfulness of Skillful Speech will contribute to your happiness. I
guarantee it.
KEY POINTS FOR MINDFULNESS OF SKILLFUL
SPEECH
Here are the key points for preventing unhappiness by way of
Skillful Speech:
Skillful speech requires that you abstain from lying, malicious
words, harsh language, and useless talk.
Lying by omission is still lying.
Malicious talk is speech that destroys other people's
friendships or damages their reputations.
Verbal abuse, profanity, sarcasm, hypocrisy, and excessively
blunt or belittling criticism are all examples of harsh
language.
Harsh language hurts others and debases you.
Gossip and idle talk lead to quarrels and misunderstandings,
waste your time, and create a confused state of mind.
All unnecessary speech not motivated by generosity,
loving-friendliness, and compassion is harmful.
The test of Skillful Speech is to stop and ask yourself before
you speak: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it beneficial? Does it harm
anyone? Is this the right time to say something?"
Using mindfulness to strengthen your resolution to say nothing
hurtful and to use only soft, well-chosen words can bring harmony
to any difficult situation.
http://www.dharmanet.org/wisdomweek2.htm