I'm not addicted to porn, but I'm sure all of us including
myself have some form of addiction whether they are deemed as
'harmful' or 'not so harmful'. So I believe this will apply to most
or all of us.
Dear
Rupert,
For a while now I have had some
trouble in reconciling some of my behaviour with my understanding
of the teachings of Advaita. The fruits of this path have
definitely been self evident in ways that I cannot describe.
However, in a very honest and worldly sense, I have also been
struggling with an addiction to lust and
pornography.
I obviously feel very conflicted
about this. It seems to me that this addictive, lustful behaviour
is certainly not in alignment with the truth that Advaita points
to. However, when the impulse arises to watch it, my mind
creates a convincing dialogue that says, “There is no doer. This is
a spontaneous occurrence. Don't resist this. All is meaningless,"
etc.
I then act out on the impulse and
afterwards the mind rationalizes the behaviour with more of this
pseudo logic, falsely claiming that it never left Awareness. This
is, of course, coupled with all sorts of guilt, inadequacy and
other afflictive emotions. Common sense tells me that something is
amiss.
I have heard many stories of all
sorts of so-called sages, holy men, and enlightened gurus who
rationalize inappropriate sexual behaviour under a veneer of
spiritual “truth."
How do we, as spiritual seekers,
avoid this tragic pitfall? Especially when we have a deep
understanding that this is a path of acceptance and not avoidance?
Do you have any practical advice for this?
With love and
gratitude,
Chris
PS. I must tell you that your
teachings have been vividly clear and extremely helpful in ways
that are beyond words. I am so grateful to have come across your
work, and that you are available to answer questions from a
stranger half way around the world. From the depth of my heart, I
send you my best regards.
Dear Chris,
Thank you for your honest email. It
compels a thorough response:
Addiction of any sort, be it to
inappropriate sexual behaviour, alcohol, drugs, smoking or any
milder form of behaviour, almost always has its origin in the
belief and, more importantly, the feeling of being separate,
limited and located.
The most common form in which this
belief and feeling of separation manifest is the subtle and
not-so-subtle rejection of the current situation - that is, the “I
don’t like what is going on” and the “I want something other than
what is going on.”
These two attitudes - traditionally
referred to as fear and desire - are the two faces of the apparent
separate self. They are two of the most common forms of ‘resistance
to what is,’ otherwise known as the ‘search for
happiness.’
In other words, ‘the apparent separate
entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,' and the ‘search for happiness’
via various objects, substances or experiences, are
synonymous.
These three states are, in fact, one and
the same state and could also be called ‘ignorance’ or the
‘ignoring of the true nature of experience.’
Therefore, ‘the apparent separate
entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’
are incompatible with the experiential understanding of the
non-dual nature of experience.
You have seen that clearly and it is
that ‘seeing’ which enables you to avoid the pitfall of pseudo
Advaita that you rightly diagnose.
So, let us go to the origin of this
‘resistance to what is’ because if we start anywhere else, for
instance, if we were to start with a secondary cause, we would not
be going to the root of the problem and, sooner or later, our
search will reappear, often in a more virulent form.
In fact, the term ‘addiction’ is used
precisely to describe this more virulent form of the search that
has become chronic and destructive.
The origin of ‘resistance to what is,’
is the belief that what we are, Awareness, is limited to and
located within a body.
This imaginary identification of our
self with an object (which, upon investigation turns out, itself,
to be imaginary) creates an apparent entity. The real ‘I’ of
Awareness seems, as a result, to become the limited ‘I’ of the
imagined separate entity. That is, we think and
feel that we are a body.
This apparent entity, being made out of
an intermittent object is, by definition, unstable, always
threatened with change, decay and disappearance. Hence the fear
that resides at its heart and its natural corollary,
desire.
The fear comes from the feeling that
when this intermittent sensation (the form in which the body is
appearing in this moment) disappears, ‘I’ will disappear with it.
And the desire comes from the apparent need to substantiate this
fleeting entity we believe and feel ourselves to be, in order to
perpetuate its apparent existence.
To begin with this fear and desire
manifest in the most innocuous forms of behaviour, the most common
of which is unnecessary thinking, the almost constant chatter or
commentary that most of us are familiar with.
This innocuous commentary is the
simplest form of the ‘resistance of what is.’ It is the repetitive
background chatter which ensures that attention is almost always
diverted away from the simplicity of ‘what is.’ This is the primal
addiction.
‘What is’ is deemed too boring, plain
and uneventful to be worthy of attention and thinking provides an
alternative dream world into which to escape from the boredom or
discomfort of the moment.
One honest look at our thinking will
show that the majority of it serves no practical, intelligent or
creative purpose. It is simply a sort of ‘filler’ that serves to
distract attention from the boredom of ‘what is.’ The vast majority
of our thoughts about the past and future serve only to legitimise
and perpetuate this type of thinking.
However, precisely because this type of
thinking is deemed innocuous (in the sense that it has no harmful
effect on the body or on society) it passes, for the most part,
unnoticed and is indeed encouraged by our culture in
general.
For this reason, it is the most common
and effective form of addiction that almost everyone is engaged in,
for the most part, unknowingly. And therein lies its efficiency at
keeping the sense of separation alive. Hence it is the perfect
refuge for the apparently separate self.
However, as we grow up this subtle
thinking is no longer sufficient to keep the anxiety, dis-ease and
discomfort of the sense of separation at bay and we begin to turn
to stronger forms of avoidance.
These stronger forms of avoidance are
the common forms of addiction with which we are familiar - over
working, over eating, excessive activity, addiction to money,
excessive use of TV, excessive use of alcohol, smoking, drugs,
pornography etc. etc.
All these forms are simply strategies of
avoidance - avoidance of ‘what is,’ avoidance of ‘this,’ avoidance
of ‘now.’ They are the familiar refuges of the sense of a separate
self.
Society draws a line, based on whether
the addictive activity in question is of immediate danger to
itself, as to the legitimacy of each of these activities, thereby
condoning some and condemning others.
However, they are, in fact, all simply
strategies of avoidance and denial. In fact, each of them is simply
a variation of the root avoidance - incessant thinking that
revolves around the ‘I’ thought.
If we go honestly, as you have done, to
our experience, we will always find this thinking and its deeper
counterpart in our feelings at the level of the body, underneath or
behind all subsequent forms of addiction.
It all begins with ‘I, the body.’ That
is the root of all suffering, which our addictions seek to
alleviate.
If society condemns one form of
addiction more than another, for whatever reason, we may be
persuaded to change from one addiction to another, but in our
hearts this fire of discomfort, avoidance and rejection, and its
inevitable counterpart in the search for happiness (which is just
another name for addiction) will continue. And we will not truly
rest until we have gone to the root of the matter.
To go to the root of the matter means to
go to the source of the apparently separate ‘I,’ not just the
belief of the separate ‘I’ but, more importantly, the
feeling of such.
It is only when the whole mechanism of
the apparently separate self has been seen clearly in all its
subtlety that we are free of it, that is, that ‘I,’ Awareness,
stands ‘knowingly’ in and as itself, un-apparently-veiled by the
belief and feeling of separation.
It is not enough, as you have
discovered, to wash a veneer of, “Oh well, everything is equally an
expression of Awareness and therefore nothing matters” over our
beliefs and feelings. This kind of superficial thinking is one of
the safer refuges for the apparently separate self.
The sense of separation is a master at
appropriating anything for its own purposes of self-validation and
justification, and superficial spirituality is one of its less
easily detected forms. Hence the new religion of
non-duality.
However, that is not your
case.
In your case you have seen clearly and
honestly that addiction, in this case to pornography, is a symptom
of a deeper and subtler malaise - that of the separate
self.
You have seen that the mind’s attempts
to justify this behaviour with convincing and seemingly watertight
non-dual arguments are not expressions of true understanding, but
rather the mind’s attempts to manipulate and appropriate the
non-dual teaching to validate its belief systems.
In this respect, your analysis of the
pseudo logic of the mind and your observation of the process of
impulse, action, guilt and justification are spot on.
So, what to do?
Go to the heart of the matter - the
apparent separate self or the apparent veiling of Awareness. They
are the same thing.
Explore it both at the level of the
mind, that is, the beliefs we have that seem to validate the
existence of a separate self. You have a good mind. Use it to
explore your experience and come to your own conclusion. See that
there is absolutely no experiential evidence for such a
belief.
This conviction will initiate a much
deeper exploration of the sense of separation at the level of
feelings which are the true residence of the apparent
self.
Without this deeper exploration
non-duality remains, in most cases, a belief and, as a result, the
peace and happiness that is inherent in the true non-dual
understanding will remain elusive and will inevitably compel
further bouts of seeking.
The good news about addiction to porn,
in contrast to alcohol, tobacco and drugs, is that it is mainly at
the level of thoughts and feelings and does not have a lasting
effect on the body which, in the case of drinking, smoking and
drugs, is often irreparable or, at least, lasts long after the
impulse to indulge them has been dissolved.
Having said that and in order to
facilitate the above I would also recommend one simple physical
‘discipline:’
Every time you feel the impulse to watch
porn, just pause. Even if, to begin with, it is only for half a
minute, put a little space between you and the fulfilment of the
impulse. As time goes on this period of time can be extended until
you find yourself always as this space, as it were.
However, don’t expect this space to be
peaceful to begin with - it probably wont be! Most likely, the
impulse (which is, in fact, the bare face of the separate self, the
separate ‘I’ in its raw form) on finding that it is no longer
relieved or fulfilled, will probably display itself in full force.
It will rebel.
Be attentive not only to the thoughts
that will try to persuade you that your impulses are perfectly OK,
that you will only do it one more time, that it is all an
expression of Awareness, that there is nobody there doing it, etc.,
etc., but more importantly to all the uncomfortable feelings in the
body that rise up, demanding to be acted upon and
relieved.
See that the thoughts all revolve around
a separate entity that is, when sought, found to be non-existent.
It is necessary in most cases to carry out this investigation at a
rational level thoroughly, in order to come to this
conviction.
If this conviction has not been reached,
the apparently separate ‘I’ will still be very much alive in your
thoughts and you are unlikely to have the resolve to explore your
feelings fully, as a result.
Relieved of the thoughts which seem to
justify the existence of a separate entity, the feelings are
exposed for what they are - raw bodily sensations. These bodily
sensations are, in fact, neutral. They only acquire their apparent
negativity (and hence their need to be avoided with addictive
behaviour) when coupled with the belief in a separate
self.
Robbed of this belief they are seen for
what they are, innocuous bodily sensations that, as such, have no
power of us, that is, no power to make us think, feel or act on
their behalf.
Being seen clearly is the one thing the
apparent self and its entourage of strategic activity cannot stand.
There may and probably will be tremendous resistance both in your
thoughts and in your body to this gentle, non-interventive but firm
approach.
However, once the mechanism of the
separate self, both at the level of the mind and at the level of
the body, has been truly seen through, its foundation has been
removed, and it is only a matter of time before the patterns of
behaviour which depended upon its apparent existence for their
survival, diminish and disappear.
Having said that, these addictions are
very powerful and in most cases this deep explorative approach is
best facilitated over a period of time with one in whom peace and
understanding are established.
In the end it is not the exploration
that facilitates the peace and understanding, but rather the peace
and understanding which allows the investigation and exploration to
unfold and slowly, in most cases, reabsorbs, as it were, the
apparently separate self and all its patterns of thinking, feeling
and acting, back into itself.
One last thing: as we sit allowing these
thoughts and, more importantly, uncomfortable feelings to arise, it
is important not to have any subtle agenda with them, not to ‘do
this’ in order to ‘get rid of them.’ That would be more of the
same.
Just allow the full panoply of thoughts
and feelings to display themselves in your allowing and indifferent
presence. In time their ferocity will die down, revealing subtler
and subtler layers of thinking and feeling on behalf of a separate
entity, until we come to the little, almost innocuous background
thinking about which we were speaking earlier.
This is the sense of separation, the
‘ego,’ in its apparently mildest and least easily detectable form.
Be very sensitive to this. Be sensitive to the ‘avoidance of what
is’ in its subtlest forms. It is the sweet, furry baby animal that
later turns into a monster!
As time goes on we become more and more
sensitive and we see how much of our thinking and feeling, let
alone our activities, are generated for the sole purpose of
avoiding ‘what is,’ of avoiding the ‘this’ and the
‘now.’
It is this open, un-judging,
un-avoiding, allowing of all things which, in time, restores the
‘I’ to its proper place in the seat of Awareness and which, as a
natural corollary to this abidance in and as our true self, gently
realigns our thoughts, feelings and activities with the peace and
happiness that are inherent in it.
With warmest wishes and love,
Rupert